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So, my SS's are flying back home on sunday. The original plan was for us to stay with a friend that night that lives close to the airport and celebrate new years with them and then get up in the morning on jan 1st and drop off kids at airport.

BPDxw now insists that we come to the airport at an ungodly hour on Jan 1st. DH is giving and then decided that he is going to hand off kids tomorrow (on new years eve) rather then Jan 1st morning.
So which will now mean that my DH will be in the car for 8 hrs and I will be sitting alone at home not celebrating anything.

Yes, I am mad. Mad at BPDxw. Mad at DH for giving in and allowing BPDxw to ruin another holiday.

How did it go?

Do you have any way that you can fix this for next year?

I understand the frustration of having a partner who gives in. Rockets go off in my head  

What happened to make him change the plans? How did you two discuss the change?

As I said, Dh spent 8 hrs in the car. Came home after midnight. And he was sick anyways and not happy. BPDxw made him wait for an extra 15 min at the drop off site. And then treated him like crap. The only "satisfaction" my DH got was the confirmation that BPDxw was staying in a 200 dollar hotel room despite the fact she claims she never has money. (did I mention before that when my SS`s arrived here for their visit they told us that mom had told them the entire family had to pool money togethr to enable them to come here... which of course is not true. My DH paid all tickets, inlcuding BPDxw).

He changed his mind because one of my SS´s arrived sick (with a cough) and we went to the Dr. Dr. said it was a leftover from SS´s previous cold and gave us a prescription. DH decided that meeting BPDxw´s demand of meeting her at an ungodly hour on the day of the flight meant getting my SS`s out of bed at a time that would not be very good for their health. So he decided the best course of action was to hand over kids the day before.

I don´t know how we can prevent this from happening again. Except make sure that BPDxw never flys with the kids when they come to visit us and then we can determine what the right time is to get to the airport.

I think sometimes I get frustrated because I try to fiercly protect "our" life and "our time". It is hard to do with a BPDx in the picture. And I guess I feel that DH failed to recognize that I am trying to protect our lives.

It sounds to me like your DH struggles with boundaries when it comes to the ex.  My SO definitely did early in our relationship.  It's as if they just slip right back into the dynamic they had when they were married.  It could also be simply your boundaries (values) are different from his and he chose not to fight this particular battle or she was triggering him into action.

I would definitely talk to him about how this made you feel, about how protective you feel about your life/time together and the fact that you were really disappointed you couldn't share New Years together.  Early in my relationship with my SO I had several instances like this and I found often times he was so involved with the kids/uBPDxw that he would loose sight of my feelings.  It is your job to tell him how you are feeling and see if you can come up with a better solution should this happen again.

I just want to add that you will never be able to "control" the ex and "winning" (my particular mindset back in the day) are both fruitless ventures she is going to do what she is going do and there are/will be consequences to her actions.  Your job is to do what your going to do... .control your actions/behaviors/values... .etc

Panda39

My DH and I have been married for 10 years now, and he STILL fails to recognize boundary violations from his ex.  And it always has to do with their children -- all now adults, of course.

I think they (our spouses/SOs) sometimes feel so secure and supported in a healthy second marriage/relationship that it is easy for them to take for granted that their actions and decisions about their children with the PD will be unconditionally supported.  And we want so badly to do so... .we know how difficult their life was "before," and we want to make the "after" a better place.

I too have had to wait until I could have a calm conversation with my DH about how something hit me the wrong way, hurt my feelings, made me feel as if I were an afterthought... .it's not an easy conversation but one that needs to be had.

However, some of the boundary violations (especially early on when they weren't about the children) were so egregious that I drew my own line in the sand immediately (the Great Breast Cancer Scare comes to mind... .phone calls to our house at all hours, her in tears, DH on phone to her, etc. etc. etc.  It was a cyst.)

Holidays make it extra hard because with BPD involved. Special days are almost guaranteed to be tense times a thousand, for all the reasons you already know.

Plus, a husband who errs on the side of giving in, even if there are plausible reasons to do so.

Next year, would you be willing to carve out a holiday experience that proactively puts you near the top of your list? This debacle with BPD mom is going to happen again, most likely. Is there a scenario you could imagine in which you are not set aside?

So for me, I don't let my husband play the victim. :)

I don't say that to be mean, confrontational, or unsympathetic. If he wants to spend 8 hours in the car, leave a day early, be crabby, whine about how she treats him poorly after doing her a favor, and miss out on a New Years kiss from his wife... .

That's his fault. Not hers.

Because I can't change her. And she's doing what she loves to do, which includes making everyone know that she's the boss. I won't enable him playing the martyr though, because that's not my job.

My husband has helped his ex-wife move 5 times. Every time she does not thank him, complains about his timing, and once yelled at him for dropping a washing machine ---- that we GAVE HER.

So after the 5th time, he came to me with the same old song and dance, and I simply said "I don't help people who don't appreciate my efforts, maybe you do. At this point, you either accept that she won't and help her with no expectations -- or you don't help her because your expectations are not being met. Your choice. But this where you keep complaining isn't working for me."

And he made a choice. He helped her anyways. The complaining went away. And the next round, he said "no"... .and she's never asked again.

As wives in these relationship dynamics, it's easy to align against the nonsense that is the ex. Commiserate about how she is acting like a person with BPD does. I get that. She's never going to change though. In my case, my husband did not change either. I simply grew tired of all the drama. The pit in my stomach. The nonstop crisis situations that don't make any sense. I accept that.  

He still has crappy boundaries in his relationship with her.

Him and I have really great ones though in our marriage... .and mine with her as well... .one of them being that they get to deal with each other and not engulf me in the flames of their relationship.