BPDFamily.com

I have been married to my husband for about 14 years and our relationship has deteriorated over that time frame.  We have two wonderful children who are the joy of my life.  Over the past year, I have finally been seeking help for myself.  I've been doing a lot of reading and research as well as talking with counselors/therapists.  I have finally come to realize that my husband has BPD tendencies.  I also see a bit of narcissism in the mix.  In addition, he had been diagnosed many years ago with PTSD as he is a veteran.  Oh... .and add alcohol to the whole thing which makes it worse.  I know that a lot of times these mental health issues can overlap.  I have joined this message board to seek some support from those going through the same thing.  I have done a lot to change my life... .I have pulled myself out of depression, gotten a great part-time job, and gone back to school.  It's onward and upward for me!  I just don't know if my husband will follow me or sadly, if I even want him to.

Hi craftygirl,

*welcome*


Wow. Bravo! I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties in your marriage.

It helps to talk to a T concurrently with a support group. You probably have some family members and friends that may be giving you great advice but it works if the partner is non-disordered. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I can see how making great positive changes in yourself may change your values. You also have the option to learn as much as you can about the disorder, you can learn to become indifferent to the behaviors. What BPD traits do you see? What NPD traits do you see?


PS you can find the lessons on the right side of the board  *)

I am new as well, welcome to the group. I am learning a whole lot, not just about BPD and how I can better improve my marriage but things that I struggle with myself. I am active duty in the Army on my 4th deployment (im in Afghanistan right now) and not enough credit is given to military spouses. I know first hand the challenges military spouses face... .loneliness... .infidelity... .trust... .etc. Whenever someone thanks me for my service, I am always quick to remind them to thank my wife and kids as well, because they serve too.

I started reading this book called "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" as suggested by a military Doc during one of my sessions to help me overcome some the BPD traits that my wife displays and it is helping me out tremendously. Hopefully it can help you too.

Why I enjoy this group is that it has taught me that I am not alone. There are many others who love their spouses as I love my wife who want a peaceful, happy household.

Take care.

Thanks you both for the welcome!  I have to get used to "popping" on this board for the needed information and support.

Shoshotmedic, I think it's wonderful that you understand and mention thanking your wife and kids.  My husband does not even consider the fact that we suffered during deployments.  He comes across as he is the only one who made any sacrifice.  I'm not a complainer and you won't hear me whine but I will tell people that it was very difficult.  On bad occasions, he actually accuses me of stealing "his" money while he was gone.

I'll have to check out the book.  I'm almost done "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is the reason I am here.  It is extremely insightful.

Mutt, I am currently seeing a therapist and have been for a while now.  We are really getting to the point of the matter I believe with the possibility of my husband having a personality disorder(s).  I mentioned BPD and she sees it as possibly that or NPD.

As for the traits that my husband exhibits, he constantly finds fault in me and what I do and lets me know about it.  I oftentimes feel like he is looking for reasons to put me down.  He is always miserable and exhibits extreme bouts of anger that would seem ridiculous to the normal person.  I have asked for years what is the cause of his unhappiness.  The response is always that it is me... .it's my fault he is unhappy.  I believe that years of me hearing this and his reinforcing the fact that I was a stay at home mom and he makes the money... .led ultimately to my depression... .telling me I don't do anything, I'm a slob, etc.  He cannot be criticized at all because most times that will enrage him.  My husband has been retired from the military about 5 or 6 years now and he still talks down about "common" people.  He "fought wars" you know... .he's important.  My kids to some extent were learning they would have to "tiptoe" around dad so he wouldn't fly off the handle.  At one point, I realized they were getting mad at me because I was sticking up for myself.  They were learning that it's better to keep quiet than to create waves.  I think that was my wake-up call.  My therapist and I have discussed many times when he has used the gaslighting technique... .trying to make me feel like I'm troubled psychologically.  It took me a while to get up the courage to tell him I was seeing a therapist because I knew what the result would be.  And as I guessed, one of our most recent arguments brought forth an antagonizing, "you know that shrink you're going to?... .you really need to talk to them."

There are other signs but these came to me first.  I mentioned he should go talk to someone to find out why he is so unhappy... .hoping that they might help him get to the root of the problem... .not actually mentioning anything about BPD.  He definitely doesn't think there is anything wrong with himself.  And, he says, "what if I go and we find out the problem is you?"

It is sad that my home has been an unhappy dwelling for me for many years because I'm always at the mercy of his moods.  The first step is working on me... .I get that... .I'm doing just that.