BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone!

I've been looking for some additional insight into what I've been dealing with with my wife of 13 years. We are in a real rough spot right now.

She is threatening legal separation, we have three kids and would probably lose the house if that occurred.

In a nutshell, I've been trying, unsuccessfully, for 13 years to get close to my wife, in a deep, meaningful way. But it seemed whatever i tried, she slipped further away.

She made some very unfortunate decisions, most of which were targeted towards hurting me. I've now been the brunt of most of her vitriol, accusations, justifications, and guilt trips.

I've only recently discovered BPD, but I was so absolutely convinced that she had it, I bought 12 books that very day.

Anyway, I'm still learning a lot more, and I'll post more about the current situation as things progress.

I was just hoping for some experienced help in knowing if there is anything I can do to stave off the separation, at least so it doesn't affect my kids, if i can avoid it. They are whom I am most worried about right now.

G00g

Hi Goog,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with your post, I recall when the vitriol towards me was amped up and my ex didn't want a legal separation, it was a little different than your story, she wanted to leave. I felt the same way, I didn't split the family up because I thought at that time it was the best thing for the kids.

I was also trying to keep the family intact for a long time, in an erratic r/s but I didn't know about BPD either, the disorder is triggered by emotional intimacy. The kids were witnessing mom swearing at dad and treating him very poorly, I didn't want the kids to see dad being treated that way and in the end, taking care of the kids after separation was the best thing for them, the very thing I frantically avoided. She was secretly having an affair because she couldn't sustain herself in the marriage.

You've bought many books on BPD and i'm not sure how many you have read therefore no magic pill. That being said everyone's situation is different than the next member and their pwBPD is a different person with a different personality traits and severity of the disorder. Is the legal separation close?

Hi Goog,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.  Having a loved on with BPD is very mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  My user name tells how being in relationship with one made me feel.  One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them... .which can help improve the situation.  In the upper right margin of this page there are some tools and lessons designed to help you do just that.  No matter what your path... .these can at least help in the short term as you begin to figure things out. 
What would you like to do about the relationship at this time?  No matter what you decide, we are here to walk with you.  You've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  I learned in my experience here that the more I shared the more I got in return!  Keep posting!   

Thanks for the responses. Unfortunately, and maybe a little too late, she served me papers last night. Or at least a write-up of what she wanted. So it looks like I'm getting a lawyer tomorrow.

What is the hardest to hear is EVERYTHING that is wrong is my fault. I can't even talk gently to my kids (trying to protect them from their mother's rantings) without her blaming me for wanting to put a wedge between her and the kids. I can't do anything right. And what's worse is she brought along her friend, because she can't seem to be around me alone, and that friend joined in the ranting and raving while we were trying to discuss what to do with the kids. I felt humiliated.

I will take a look at the resources as time allows - things are going to be hectic for a bit.

And yes, she did have an affair, for the last two years. And yet she "NEEDED" to do that, because of me. Do you want to know why? "Because I'm a terrible listener".  I told her most guys are, and they need to work on their communication techniques, but for those close friends that I've talked to, they say that I am a good listener. She's just saying that to get her way and get away with her past.

Part of me is relieved - knowing that I'm not alone in this feeling. And hoping someday I can have some peace. And take care of my kids.

Hang in there Goog !... .you are not alone... .take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your children !... .I survived a tough divorce eleven years ago, .and you will survive too !

I feel your pain Goog, my exBPDw put me in a similar situation and the pain of such was excruciating.  I wish I had the guidance of this site at that time.  As difficult as I know your circumstances are right now... .you really can put the tools and lessons on the right hand side of this page to use in your favor.  They can help you navigate these difficult times with some sense of direction on how to control a given situation a little better. 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I know it's painful.  You may find it helpful to post some questions on the Family, Law and Custody board.  You are not alone.  Keep us up to date, and know  you have support here.   

I spoke with a lawyer, just to clear my head of the possibilities, awaiting this whole last week to actually be served. But nothing has happened, yet. And I've barely spoken a word to her.

It's such a torturous dichotomy, I dream that we are back together, that her mind is healthy, and I see glimpses of the 'real' person she is. Then I see her in person, and the icy stares and anger shoot out from her like daggers, it's so hard to even want to be around her when she's in that state.

Thanks for all the replies, everyone, I have a ton of reading up to do. Regardless of marriage continuation or not, I'm going to have to deal with this because of the kids. I've had them for several days now, so I haven't had a lot of time to follow up.

Thanks to everyone, in advance, for what you've had to go through and for putting your experience down in words of support. I am more than grateful!

Thanks for updating us Goog... .and we understand the tenuous situation you are facing right now.  Just know we are here when you need support or input.  Reading and learning about the illness will also be your friend... .just don't overload yourself.  Keep us up to date, and feel free to post any questions, thoughts or feelings.   |iiii

Does anyone have any particular advice on how to manage separation? I fight between feeling free of her manipulative ways and wanting her back (but healthy in mind).  I still want her to get help, but right now she's battling the stigma of realizing she might have BPD.

I gave her a book on it, after we read a few pages of it together, and she cried a lot. So I think it really hit home.

But she got defensive a few days later and doesn't want me to send her any more information on it - said she'll look into it herself, which I'm not sure if she is doing.

How can I help coax her into the therapy she needs without being overbearing?

I've marked this page to notify me if there are any responses to your last question because I have been advised that we should not tell the pwBPD that they may have the disordered thinking.  It's tough, and I know you're hurting.  Good luck.

BTW Meili shared this video with me.  I've only been able to watch half of it, but it's pretty powerful.  I thought you might find some use in it too.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Hi Googs, again, I feel your pain as I've been there.  I quoted the above because there really is no "coaxing" you can do.  She will have to be willing and receptive to therapy.  You've already broken the subject, so if in the near future you find a way to try speaking about it again and possible therapy that is up to you... .I'd suggest you have no expectations about what may occur though.  That way you won't be let down if the response is not positive, and you can be slightly upbeat if the opposite happens.

Managing the separation suggestion would be to use the tools in the right margin of this page... .remember the only thing you can control is you, so implementing boundaries and using communication techniques to reduce or even avoid confrontation should prove helpful to you. 
We are here   

I've been told it can backfire, and usually does. My hope was that since she was already receiving therapy for cognitive behavioral thinking, she might be open to some discussion on BPD.

It's too bad there is no such thing as a mental splash of cold water in the face to wake them up.