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I heard a song today that I've always loved.  Don't let me be misunderstood - the Nina Simone version.   Now this time yesterday I was crying so hard that all 3 of my cats came up to me concerned. Yesterday, that song would have destroyed me. Today, it's a bittersweet smile.  A happy smile, because I imagine that's how my ex feels quite often. But it's how we all feel isn't it?  I do because that song touched me long ago, and I saw then that other people did. 

In our cases with relationships with people with traits and further into BPD, we find ourselves unable to relate, literally and figuratively to someone who so badly wants to be heard. We ourselves yearn for that closeness.  But there will be something, always something to get in the way.

It brings me to detachment. Because I hear that song from across the divide, and I know that the reasons don't matter. They do, but for the sake of detaching they have to come second to our own needs. 

my ex made choices, albeit filtered through a disorder that affect me everyday, and brought me to a standstill.  I used to pray for a day with her where I wouldn't have to make a single decision, because it would be wrong. I used to LOVE when she was so hungover she slept all day.  One of my close friends face timed me last night, and she hadn't talked to me since before we broke up.  She started crying, because she saw me smiling and said I looked so different.  That there was a look in my eyes and sound in voice that she hadn't seen in a long time.

I'm realizing just how much I was just coping with life with my ex.  How much I lived in panic and reaction to someone I just merely wanted to be heard. I begged her to stop hurting me. And it was because I thought the longer I stayed, proved to her that I would be her answer, that she would never be alone, I in fact was more and and more alone.

I don't know how to "detach" fully. Aside from the emotional, I haven't figured out how to approach changing the lease, the "official" changing of the status on social media.  I'm scared of what that signal sends her, that it proves her right, that I was just another person to let her down. 

I need help with that, and it's why I'm here.   Until I get enough distance, I don't think I can fully try to end the relationship or find a way in time to continue.  But most of me seems to think ending it is best.