BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone!

 Just a quick question that is on my  . How is it he can be a successful engineer, be in charge of MAJOR construction , be promoted and get tons of merit constantly from his job, but he's complete AHOLE at home when he gets in his dark BPD mood. If he can hold it together ALL day long, why cant he with me?


Just a thought!

J xoxo

Hi,

I totally agree, it is one of the hardest things. I work with my partner as well, and I find it really difficult. I had an incident recently where I looked like I was behaving out of control in front of everyone and I could see them think I was being so childish, when inside I was dealing with a huge issue between us and she was calm as a cucumber. It has made me realise I need to control that side of my feelings more and actually sadly makes me feel like she is in control which I need to take back somehow. I don't really have any advice, just feel your pain!

x

BPD affects the most intimate relationships. If someone is high functioning they may hold it together at work and with acquaintances. It can make us feel crazy. My H is amazing at work- and is good to the kids- which is a good thing. The good news is that we can uphold boundaries on how we are treated. We can let them deal with their moods and not tolerate poor treatment.

Yep they are just fine in public. Its their loved ones who get their wrath. And its yin and yang. The more they have to wear the mask in public and fake positive energy the more negative energy must be released on their family to balance.

One of the things I've read about personality disorders had to do with narcissistic supply. Yes NPD and BPD are different but I think sometimes it's just in different degrees.

They need a supply to get their value and validation from. It's like a fix. A rush. So from what I understand there is primary supply and secondary supply. Primary supply comes from their job, their reputation, their prestige, the respect they get from people that don't really see him/her on an intimate level. When that supply runs low, maybe they get corrected at work or aren't getting recognized like they would like, they have to use their secondary supply. If the secondary supply rejects them, invalidates them, disagrees with them, or does anything to deny the supply (even if only on their eyes), the secondary gets to feel the wrath. After all, they would be completely rejected if they acted like a jerk to their primary source. The secondary source will always be there if needed.

Plus as family, we always treat those we are closest to the worst. Even us nons do it too. I never yell at people for making me mad in public but I'll yell at my spouse when I've had enough of his crap.

This might be crazy but it works. I have made it a practice to give my husband random supply throughout the week, even when I'm mad at him and it has really been helping things. I randomly set up times on my calendar while I'm at work to pop up with a reminder to compliment him.(I'm really bad about giving compliments so the reminder helps me). When I get the alert I send him a quick text that says something like:

I can't wait to see you.
I'm thinking of you today.
You're the best.
You are important to me.

And it works. And also in doing this I have found it increases my feelings of love for him because it's hard to say something nice to someone you're mad at. I have to put any hurt behind me just to give the compliment,

Hi Everyone,
 Thank you so much for all of your replies... Tatteredheart, yes that is a great idea and normally I try to compliment him and send him sweet texts during the day :)

Tattered heart- such a great idea. I don't contact my H during the day. I did in the beginning of our marriage but he got angry at me for interrupting him at work. So, I don't call or text now.

I do realize I don't compliment or praise him enough. I should work on that. There were several years in our marriage where he pushed me away. I know at the time, he was feeling ambivalent about being married- wanted his freedom. I felt hurt by that- after all he proposed to me and I would not have married someone who didn't want to be married to me. I know he doesn't feel that way now, but I got used to leaving him space.

I also loved getting validation from him, but when I was painted black, got little to none of it. I learned to not expect it. He does compliment me now, but it is a bit confusing. I think some of my reaction is related to my FOO issues, where my parents could be happy with me at one moment, and rage at me the next. I learned to not take either of it- the compliments or the anger too seriously, but my H is different. He may sincerely mean it and I have to be able to accept that.

One of my fears is that if I got close  again, it would then result in the push pull. My comfort zone is middle ground, kind of neutral. But that doesn't result in a lot of extra attention. I don't wish to be part of the push pull, which is why middle ground is less reactive for me.

But I do get that the push-pull and admiration creates a certain excitement in these relationships and probably is part of the attraction between nons- and pwBPD. The challenge is how to be admiring and complimentary without participating in drama.

WifeInOz,

First reason : because he is already busting himself at work, and home for him is a place to recover from the stresses of the day.  Testosterone recovery time, so no new tasks, please.  it's a biological thing, and a man will object if you interrupt this process.  A man on low T is a man in a dark place; similar to PMS for a woman.

Second reason : his job is his purpose; home issues are only of secondary importance.  This will change with age and experience.


Jack

I don't buy Jack_50's reasons.

WifeinOz ... .are you SURE he's fine at work? He may tell you that, but pwBPD are unreliable witnesses. You probably get it much worse than his colleagues do, but that doesn't mean they aren't being exposed to distorted behaviors. My wife had a lot of interpersonal problems at work -- in her narration, there were people who were scheming against her or otherwise mean or obstructive, and she would go to her "good" colleague or boss to complain. As I learned more about BPD, I could see the splitting in effect.

Thank you for your input everyone :) Yes, I am quite sure he's fine at work. They would fire his ARSE if he pulled the stuff he pulls with me LOL He's constantly accoladed and gets the high level project to work on, think "Tappanzee Bridge" and "Chelsea Pier" in NYC type of stuff... .Its mind blowing and hurts that WORK mean MORE to him than me... .If I could afford to can his butt for awhile I would,(just to show him what its like without me) but I have nowhere to go, with three kids its hard.

Start protecting yourself. BPDs cheat. If he finds a replacement that is better for his career he will leave.

This is what I was thinking. They wear the "mask" in public because they have to. At home, they take off that mask and show who they really are, which isn't always pleasant - also because they have to. They can't wear it for long periods. I imagine pretending to be someone you're not all day would be exhausting, and upsetting. Of course we can't validate that exactly. "I'm sorry you're so tired and cranky, honey. Must take soo much effort pretending to be human all day. So naturally I understand why you'd want to take it out on me."  :)

They like the praise and adoration they get from people when they're wearing their "nice" mask. The sad irony is that the "real" them is the one who needs the validation - and the "real" them is what makes it so hard for us to give it to them.

I agree with this. My bf has had eruptions in his office - in person, on phone or by email. His moods can be volatile whenever, wherever. When he lashes out, he has problems at work. Of course, he's the "victim". While work sometimes distracts him enough to keep his moods stable, there's still no way he's managed to control himself completely at all times. I know when he's had to be on his best behavior at work, it usually meant someone's going to get it later. I just make sure that someone isn't me.

Portent
Hi thanks for your response, but what do you mean exactly?  Find a replacement better for his career? Cheater? While I have read that BPDs cheat, cheating isnt one of his fortes. He would never leave anyway, HE owns this house, I dont. Yeah, its a tough situation. I married him and moved in with my two kids to HIS house. Its premarital property. Fun FUn :)

I told my GF this last week, that we needed to focus more on the good things we do, not the bad. I think it works too. We are wired as a society to fuss about everything. News media is all about the bad, hardly ever about the good.

Well my wife became obsessed with her career since it gives her the affirmation she craves. My replacement is a VP who she xan manipulate to advance her career.

Your H seems to know that at work bad behavior, at least to higher ups, will get him canned and he governs himself. At his level it is probably a consequence he understands well and doesn’t want it to happen to him. BPD can be Grand Master brown-nosers too. 

What boundaries and consequences do you employ when he begins treating you inappropriately?  Is he free to do those things to you without much happening?

I can relate to your situation very well, I have a high functioning uBPDbf. He is very successful in his career , a respected public figure with thousands of followers being in the media journalism business. His colleagues like him a lot, he is funny and very intelligent. I don't even know where to begin... .He was that wonderful self with me until I triggered his intense emotions and things became haywire. He is Intellectually superior, but when it comes to emotions, he becomes a needy child, very sensitive to imagined hurts, moping and resentful. So very different from his public persona.

Sometimes I wish I never knew his real self, or his other side as I call it. He is not necessarily a SOB, but his emotional reactions can be pretty bizarre. Only people who get very close to pBPD like us are witness to these things. I know his relationships at work are pretty shallow, no intense emotions are involved. But us, being close to them and they are attached to us can trigger them. The attachment they have with us close to them remind them of the past relationship they had as children to their "caregivers", same emotions but different people, but for pBPD it all comes back to them, the abandonment and the fears they had are still deep in them. Yes, I also send him positive notes daily and I definitely do not disturb him at work, I do not ask for response for my notes, it's just a way of reminding him that he is not being abandoned, it does help a lot. But be careful though, once I was very late in sending that caring message, it triggered his fear of abandonment and it resulted in an emotional storm, try and be constant.

Wow Artemis! Just wow! It's like you are telling my story. You don't know how much it resonates with me! One time I got busy at work and wasn't able to send him a text and he texted me "What? You don't talk to me during the day anymore?" Set off a ___storm! Ugh!
The only reason I refered to him as an SOB is because when he calls me hellacious names it hurts ... .

Tattered Heart -
You are one INCREDIBLY strong person to be able to give compliments to him when you are hurt/angry.  |iiii  I can't imagine myself being able to do that.