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70 days NC.

Going out, meeting friends, movies, dinners, improv nights, bbqs, bowling, you name it I'm doing it. I still feel dull and listless sometimes.

If you ask me if I want him back, it's a huge "no!" If given a choice to be married and settled to the guy I considered "the love of my life" the "perfect man" my "soulmate" I would not take it now.

Because I know that the emotional and verbal trauma would turn to physical violence after we got married. The frustrations would peak, the compulsions would be magnified, threats of divorce, etc. etc. I'd have to give up ever spending time with my girlfriends, ever being my own person, always having to give up my free will to match his wishes.

I know all that. But life still feels dull and weary at times. When will these feelings subside?

Everyone here writes NC and time will heal everything. It look me 3 weeks to fall in love with him. It's been 10 weeks now, I think I'm out of love. I see him for who he is. I know he has moved on. Why can't it? I know practically my life is of a much higher quality now and I'm finding myself again.

Still days like today and I wonder if I was better off having him by my side. That excitement level we had is unmatched in my life now. His company made the mundane magical and without him the extraordinary feels bland.

mevz 

70 days is not long. I have noticed some here take years to recover. We are each a bit different and heal at different rates. Are you seeing a counselor or doing any self-healing work? Have you worked through the lessons on the right side of this page? Those things would help ease your recovery.

I have been broken up with my uBPD since April. In some ways I am doing better - I have periods where I feel OK and almost normal, but they are short and intermittent.  I still must have contact since we have children and it definitely slows down my personal progress. If NC were possible I am certain I would be further along in my recovery.

Hang in there and keep posting and working on yourself. Things will continue to improve, I am sure!

Hey mevz, You made a courageous choice, one which avoids a lot of pain and suffering, so give yourself credit.  Everyone heals at their own pace and in their own way, so cut yourself some slack, I suggest.  It's normal to go through a period of grief after a b/u.  Sure, you would like to feel better faster, yet your body knows that healing takes time.  You might want to sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.

LuckyJIm

Could you try keeping a journal?
Less so for the day to day events, but more for the feelings.  You could also refresh your memory to the reasons that led to the break-up.  Write down the abuse you suffered, and the good things - if you feel you want to be "fair."

Look at the list and your journal to keep you moving forward. 

By our very nature, it takes time to process the changes and endings of a relationship.  I heard that it usually it takes as much anger to break up as it took love to get together.

I too got this same effect from my ex of four years... This was mostly only during the honeymoon phase of the first 6-8 months though. I eventually realized that this initial excitement level was unrealistic and unhealthy and was more like a "high" than reality...

You're now experiencing normal excitement levels for normal life events... You're withdrawing from that "high" you felt during the great times of your relationship...

I too chased that high, like a recovering addict, always chasing that first high... It's no different than that... It has the same effect on your brain...

You need to get accustomed to normal life events and normal healthy excitement levels again... Don't let yourself be that "junkie" always chasing the first high.

Ironically I'm already doing all the stuff you guys mentioned:


Yes, and she's the one who's helping me get through it. I'm focusing now on tackling my own codependency and am seeing myself so much clearer.


I started  writing in a journal a few weeks before NC. In it I've written everything, from the good to the terrible. an honest account of my relationship. But just 2 days ago I felt like I was done. I'd written down all i could possibly write. Plus I've read the bad stuff so many times that now I feel I'm getting desensitized to it. And in my memory the feeling of companionship is what keeps popping up. It's what I lack in my life right now.

So guys I am following all the "rules." I'm seeing a therapist, I'm NC, I'm writing in a journal, I'm going out and meeting friends, I'm working on my codependency.
It's just... .I donno... .


That's it Matt, that's what I'm missing, almost craving... .and it feels like that craving is getting more intense rather than diminishing as time goes by :-(

Also, when I was with him, I felt my life was so thrilling. And now I feel that's what the next girl must be experiencing and I envy her for it. Even though logically I'm sure every second of his life isn't a fun-filled fest, but it just feels that way. I don't know how to explain it. As in, I'm sure I'm doing more fun stuff than he is, getting out, trying new adventures, etc. etc. and he's usually busy with his 2 jobs, yet I feel his life is spectacular and mine is lifeless. I don't know if I'm able to explain it properly. Just my thoughts... .

I can really relate to this. I'm beginning to feel that there is nobody interesting in the world and nobody interested in me, it feels as if I have to learn new skills to get what I need out of friendships. I spend my time listening to other people a´nd being surprised that no-one even asks me questions. I AM interested in others, but I do feel it should be two way. With my uBPD person there was really always dialogue, games, activities, ideas, discussions, and try as I might, I just can't find this anywhere else. So, yes, it probably is a kind of addiction to the highs... although the constant drama was also what made me want out so often.