BPDFamily.com

Well here I am again, going through the second try to get divorced from my uBPD/NPDw.  This time though, I've used the tools here, time with my therapist and other BPD/NPD resources to realize that my boys and I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER!

Over the past couple of months things have been horrible.  The silent treatment, the isolation, the triangulation, her smear campaign, the threats to take everything from me and my boys and the list goes on.  Finally for a second time in less than a year she triangulated and pushed me so far away that she again came around and said, "well obviously neither of us are going to get what we want from this relationship so I think I'm going to move into the office and we can schedule time to meet with a mediator to figure out splitting up our assets... ."  So I just said, "You're right let me know when you get an appointment and let's get this done."

Since that point I have been polite to her and still receptive to her children, but have really tried to maintained little contact with her to start to disengage, to avoid the traps to go back.  Of course she has made quick changes, suddenly becoming nice to me, cleaned the house top to bottom, stopped making demands, started to help out with the kids, just overall making a complete about face from her prior campaign against me coming to a head this morning with a text, "I've been thinking a lot about where we are at and hope you might consider separation instead of divorce as that may be a good option for us... .hope you will at least think about that... .anyway, hope you have a good day... ."

I CAN NOT FALL FOR THIS!   I know what I have been through, it WAS and IS real and with this woman it is a broken record.  As I have read and keep reading to remind myself is that it will NEVER go back to the good times, I get a few morsels to draw me back in and then get dumped right on my head again. 

I have not responded to that message this morning and don't plan to as I don't want to enter into that conversation again as I HAVE ALREADY BEEN THERE.  She will change for a few weeks, things will normalize and then BANG she will once again treat me like garbage.  Also, this time around I think she feels my resolve to take back my life from BPD/NPD trauma and realizes that she won't "take everything and leave me with nothing"  I feel she wants to discuss separation because she suddenly realizes that she doesn't have the next supply in line yet, she will once again have to return to work, she expenses will go through the roof and she will once again have to care for her thee children herself.

I could say it's funny how the sudden reality of consequences for her actions is the only thing that ever seems to bring her around, but it's not funny it's said... .sad that this woman has so many great traits... .but no way to control or even be award of the horrible ones.

Coming here for strength and support to push through the vale and move on with my life for my boys and I.

Thanks for listening, I am struggling with her attempt to draw me back in and I will keep you posted.

NS

Hey NewStart, Welcome back, though I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.  I like your Moniker.  Get ready for the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt)!    It sounds like you've been burned by your W before.  My suggestion: keep it simple; Figure out the right path for you and your boys, and then do that.  If you are unsure, you might want to listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

Hey LJ,

You're correct that I've been burned before by her, but this time I'm really trying to maintain LC and keep my head straight. 

The typical scenario is the abuse gets to a point where I can't take it anymore, she triangulates and gets her backers onboard and threatens divorce.  I say fine, but then she goes all nice... .draws me back in... .but never back to where a normal healthy relationship goes... .she gives just enough, behaves just long enough that we decided to stay together.  Then I'm on the hook again and it all repeats.

I can't do it anymore, I need to leave now on my terms, I know I deserve better and that this relationship will never be a healthy two sided one.

I'm really going to try to stay LC with her so I don't get sucked back in... .so my boys don't have to get sucked back in.  I feel for her kids, but I'm sorry I can't kill myself and my boys anymore physically and mentally to save them... .so sad, she uses them so adeptly as her FOG generators... .

I'm hanging strong for now!

NS

Great news, NS!  Keep up the good work.  Yes, you deserve better.  It is a cycle, as you suggest.  Only you can decide when to get off the roller coaster and it seems like you have reached that point.  Stay strong and keep us posted!  LJ