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My spouse with uBPD grabbed my cellphone when I wasn't looking over the weekend (and before it locked out) took it to a locked bathroom and proceeded to look through all of my emails and text message history. She did not find much of what she was looking for (she has made baseless accusations of infidelity), but noticed I have withheld details of conversations I've had with people (specifically my family and friends). Obviously she became incredibly upset and angry. This was mostly deliberate, with the goal of avoiding triggering behaviors and encounters (even if we were talking about the same subject), but in her eyes now I am lying to her by omission and am "a liar." On a few occasions I did honestly forget to mention things, but it was wasted air trying to explain that.

Incidentally she deleted our entire message history in the process, so I have no way to verify what I might have said to her (and which in review would not paint a nice portrait of her).

In the rational world of a relationship she is correct, I would not and should not withhold information from her. It's almost impossible for me to find a way to explain (how do you politely say, "well you were raging at the time and I didn't want to worsen things", and now she has a trust issue with me even in her normal emotional state. I did apologize and say I should not withhold details of conversations like that (and I decided I won't do it anymore regardless of consequence), but now I look like the crazy person who is acting erratically and unpredictably. Now if I miss a phone call from her, I get the "what are you up to now, I don't know what you are planning" treatment. So it has fed the paranoia quite a lot.

Just curious if anyone else has been through this. I see why they call it crazy making. It almost made me wonder if I am the bigger problem having become so guarded in my interactions the past 4-6 months.

I dealt with this... .and think I pretty much have "put it to bed".  My wife was not happy in the process.  Her choice.

Realize that there is little you can say that matters... .what matters is what you do.

You've locked your phone.  Leave it locked.  No deals... .no compromise.  Please review all passwords for emails and things that are "just yours".  Change them... .make them complicated but relevant.

No need to tell your wife any of this... just do it.

Principle:  I have private conversations.

Perhaps and even better, bigger principle:  The people I have conversations with expect our conversation to be private.  In other words, it's not just about you. 

Please understand that this has nothing to do with  one conversation has information you want to be private and another doesn't... .so you let her snoop or read it.

Consistency is key

From time to time I will determine that I want to share a communication with my wife... .the critical thing is that YOU are the initiater and the decider. 

So... .when she asks what was said to another person, be brief... .yet make your point.

your pwBPD:  "what did you and Jillian Sugarpants talk about?"

If she knows for sure you have talked... .

Be friendly.

you:  "Jillian and I had a private conversation.  I did mention to her that wonderful fish dish that you made last Sunday.  Can we have that again this coming weekend"

Critical you be friendly and move along to another subject. 

your pwBPD "You can't keep secrets from me!"

Be a bit perplexed... but friendly

you:  "Oh my... .I'll have to give this some thought... .I can't imagine breaking a confidence"  Sigh a bit and go do something else.

FF

Hey Ipheal, Sure, I've had this happen to me.  In my view, your W is disrespecting you and your boundaries.  You are an adult and are entitled to have private conversations.  Indeed, I would agree that those conversations allow you to stay sane amidst all the BPD craziness.  As formflier suggests, lock your phone and laptop with a passcode.  No discussion.  She is free to do the same.  Needless to say, her actions come from a place of insecurity and fear of abandonment.  Nevertheless, those are her issues, not yours.  No, you didn't do anything wrong and didn't "withhold' information from her.  I recommend that you decline to JADE about this issue.  No, you are not the "bigger problem" so let that thought go.  I've been through it myself and all I can say is: don't give up your lifelines to the outside world; without them, you run the risk of losing all perspective, which is a dangerous place to be in a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

Hi Ipheal, yes, this happened to me as well, including him locking himself in the bathroom to read my messages. It was also the reason I ended up badly bruised with his hands around my neck because I wouldn’t let him have it. Another time, he went searching for it in a rage and in complete fear of him reading messages between my sister and myself I ended up throwing it in the fishtank to damage it. It all came to a head and eventually I put a password on it and despite his protestations refused him access to it. It’s only now, when I look back, that I realise that I enforced a boundary and it worked.

Projection. One thing I have learned:

If a BPD partner starts accusing you of baseless things.

My money is on that they are doing that or thinking about it themselves... .My BPDexgf did this to me. She even logged into my laptop, went into my facebook, and took her phone out and proceeded to photograph all the conversations I had before she met me. There was nothing interesting in them at all - it was just really weird. I was most hurt because me and my sister talk about things.

So I went down to her level and picked up her phone... .Yep - she was staying overnight at her ex's while she was texting me "I love you"s and telling me she was spending some time with her sister.

-roger

Hi Ipheal and *welcome*


My understanding of this disorder, is that this behavior is an expression of one of the criteria descriptions for the diagnosis of BPD: "(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."  Even though you may do nothing to give her cause to think that you mean to abandon her (i.e. via infidelity), she continues to *imagine* it. And so she may be convinced (by her disordered feelings/thoughts) that you mean to abandon her and she is desperately seeking evidence to justify her feelings.


Ultimately, it doesn't matter to her whether or not she finds evidence; she is acting on her feelings (for people with BPD [pwBPD], feelings = fact) -- consider another diagnostic criteria "(4) impulsivity... ."

One perspective is that for pwBPD, it is preferable to believe that you are doing something to justify how they are feelings (i.e. fear of abandonment) than to consider that there is something wrong with them that causes them to feel this way without justification.  That is, it is preferable to believe something is wrong with you than with themselves; this is a defense mechanism/coping method - don't take it personally.  But also, don't try to talk them out of being disordered.


By deleting your message history also allows her recollection to be just as valid as your (i.e. "he said/she said".

The things is, you both want your perspective and feelings to be heard and validated.  However, she is disordered.  And you are not.  So there will be a discrepancy between the two of you.  She may have refused to see a therapists -- don't discount that you would benefit from one yourself.


She is going to have a trust issue with you simply because she has this disorder.

My understanding is this... .to more connected they feel towards you, the more familial your life with her becomes, the more her disorder will manifest.  Pay attention to occasions and dates of significant family importance (to her) -- those are occasions when she is most likely to act on her disordered feelings.  Think: anniversaries, birthdays, family holidays, etc... .


I'm not saying this is a good arrangement, but it helps her to maintain the believe that the problem resides in you.  Because as badly as she treats you when she believes you have wronged her, she is likely to criticize/berate herself to the point of depression/suicidal ideation when she considers that the problem is with her.

I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing