BPDFamily.com

Hey there...

So, there's this thing about ss9 that i really don't know how to handle. It really upsets me.

Ss is "forgetful". Let's say, out of 10 tasks he doesn't want to do (because some effort, be it mental or physical is required), on good days, he remembers 2 and forgets 8.

So, there's various hypothetic reasons for this. I know that the traumatized brain has trouble remembering things. We know he has issues with satisfying his impulses. So yeah, if you are to search your jacket, bu you feel like NOT searching your jacket, but insetead collecting stones or whatever, you just forget about the jacket. Other than that, he might just have leanred and adapted this, because when you're "forgetful" by nature, you can't do anything about it.

This goes as far as SS making a mess in his room with water, chalk, glue, whatever and says "i forgot why i did it". So, if we want to basically understand why he does things, why he lies about essential things, why he does stuff he IS DOING RIGHT NOW, he forgets it. If we want an explanation, he pretends to think of one. He can sit there and pretend to think for, like an hour. No joke. If you ask him if he remembers what he's thinking about he says "no". You explain it again, and he kind of "sits it out". He just waits until you either forget about it, until it's time for other things (like dinner or whatever) or until you get frustrated with him staring idly out of the window.

He ALWAYS gets away with it. It's a smart thing to actually do, but it's utterly dysfunctional. He does the same thing at school. I thied empathizing, validating and everything I can think of, regarding tools.
What I see is him, wanting to get out of the situation without having to do the requested thing.

Any idea on how to deal with this?

This sounds all to familiar. When we ask my SS`s any questions (eg... did you do something nice this morning) the standard answer is: I forgot.
To us it means that basically there is a conflict for him and he is afraid to get in trouble. He knows BPDmom does not want him to share any information. But his natural instinct is to share information with Dad. So his coping mechanism is: I forgot.

We all know there is a deeper reason why these kids deal with things that way.
But for now maybe a chore chart may help? I know one of my SS`s really likes visual things. So in school in the first 2 grades they had a little chore chart / time line chart that would help him know where he is and what he needs to do during the day.

I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but with S15, who was diagnosed with a bunch of stuff at 9, I've had to get very intentional and demonstrate my own attention to him when I ask him to do something. If it's an important chore, I stay in the room, to show how important to both of us this chore is. I don't get irritated or lecture or shame him or discipline him or ask why (btw, apparently it's best to say "how come" instead of why, because why elicits more defense mechanisms). I stay there and we talk about how the chore has to be done and why now, and while it is a time suck for me to do this, it's the only thing that has worked.

I also point out natural consequences. He lost his jacket? What is his plan? Is he going to be cold at recess? Where might he look for it? Is there a time he wants to go look for it? How can he remember to look when he is at school?

If your SS9 has ADHD, it will be tough because they have a terrible time regulating their intention (and attention). Even so, in our house, we say a diagnosis is an explanation, not an excuse.

The hardest part is standing back and not just doing the darn thing for him. Or getting exasperated! I am getting better at using the time I spend being intentional to multi-task my own stuff without detracting from what he has to do.

Shift as much of the consequences onto them -- they have a parent who is pathologically challenged to take responsibility, so it's probably even more important for us that our kids are encouraged to self-activate and experience consequences directly when they are with us.

My son was ADD (no hyperactivity), and I found that 's technique worked. The most effective technique overall (and still as he is an adult) is to ensure the request and conversation takes place with eye contact.

This is an interesting thread because we have been trying to figure out where we can help SS22 learn versus where he can't. He has had many tests over the years but doesn't have a specific diagnosis (eg autism or ADHD). He has comprehension issues -- he reads at about a grade 5 level. He has significant anxiety issues. But it isn't clear how much he can learn and adapt.

His latest assessment was by a clinical neuropsychologist and was part of a guardianship hearing - who stated SS22 will always need a guardian. SS22 had two previous assessment in the last five years, both saying that he had capacity to learn and improve, and he could live somewhat independently. The latest one said the opposite -- that SS22 had very little ability to learn (even from mistakes) and improve. His memory problems were one of the issues. The assessor (who is known for his tough assessments and was selected by DH's uBPD ex) included comments about how SS22 appears to be much more capable than he actually is. DH said that when he met with the assessor, he was very dismissive of what SS22 has accomplished and when DH said SS22 has consistently outperformed his IQ and other "numbers", the assessor just scoffed. By that time, he'd spent a couple hours with uBPD.

SS22 didn't speak until he was 5, and only after extensive speech therapy. uBPD takes credit for finding the therapist, but does not acknowledge that there was no medical reason for his inability to speak. At the guardianship hearing, she said SS22 still has speech issues (he doesn't) and described SS22 as "mentally retarded". She said she believes he is incapable of making any decision for himself. I believe SS22 has long been emotionally neglected/abused by his mom. Still to this day if SS24 (her golden child) needs her attention, she neglects SS22. It just happened this weekend.

It is hard to know how much SS22 can learn and how much we should push. Probably because I came in fresh 10 years ago and used the approach LnL described (a diagnosis is an explanation, not an excuse), SS22 has made some good strides since I've known him (DH would say "amazing strides" given the prognosis early on.) But even then, there are lots of things he can't do without support or reminders. He is very forgetful. He won't read instructions. He does all sorts of things that later he can't really explain (e.g. he will delete reminders on his phone even though when he'll say later the reminders were very important). He throws away lots including expensive electronics. At times, he seems perplexed by his own actions.

At times I think he acts just a typical "teenager" - pushing back on authority, fighting for some independence, shrugging off "chores", etc. But I'm not sure he'll grow out of this stage either.

As the medical profession learns more about the brain, I wonder if they won't come up with some teaching techniques that will help someone like SS22 improve. For now, we put safeguards in place to remind him of important information but aren't sure if we'll have to have that in place the rest of his life or not.

Tjank you, you've made some really good points.
Insisting on eye-contact is something that (for reasons unknown) makes SS cry. He is able to keep eye contact, but not on demand. I dont know what makes the difference for him, but BPDm once said that when he's not listening, she would hold him by his arms (as in not letting him go away) and make him look her in the eyes. So this is something that somehow triggers him. We tried "hey, wpuld you please look at me?" As well as "please focus on me and not your toy right now" to avoid the word "eyes" in that context.

We have made token systems and made him write down stuff he needs to remember. Nothing worked.
Today (we have degrees below 0°c and he came home without hat, scarf and lost his sweatshirtjacket 3 days in a row) i made him a list again and asked him if he needed a shopping bag to transport his stuff. He chose an alarm-red one, so that when he sees it, he remembers to search for his stuff (his list contains, at this point, 17 items and I'm glad if he at least brings home the things he needs for the winter)

I'll let you know how it turned out