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So, today has been a difficult day. I woke up and knew that it was time to close the door fully. We have been apart for the past 5 months, but have kept track of each other lightly via social media. I know the relationship was not good (head), but I still love her (heart). Why cant the head and heart agree?

I have shutdown that social media account, and blocked her in Facebook so I will stop viewing her there as well.

The realization came that I am not emotionally healthy and have a long way to get there. Just looking for some words of wisdom from those that are further down the path.

Anothercasualty,

This is a brave step that you've taken. I'm sorry that it's come to this. It's a painful realization. 

I commend you for putting yourself and your emotional health as a priority. Things WILL change, and you will feel better. Unfortunately, the only way out is through. That means feeling some things that most of us have spent our lifetime trying not to. The other side of that is freedom and a new perspective, though, so it's definitely worth it.

What do you think is your first step toward emotional health again?

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole,

I think my first step was this morning. Unfortunately, I think I thought I was further along in my progress with this ending. I truly thought the blocking was just pushing the button and would have no impact. Then, I am driving to work with tears flowing down my face. Thank goodness for tinted windows. I am pretty sure the view of a 40+ year old man sobbing was not a good view.

It seems like accepting the difficult feelings is next in line. I usually hide from my emotions and I want to run so far, so fast right now. Frankly, it feels like my emotions are behind a large dam and if I allow them to come out, they will wash me out.

What was your next step?

Why now? Why is this worse than 5 months ago when I broke it off originally?

It wasn't a good view on my end, either, and I have been there, my friend.    I know it's tough, but this is sometimes what it takes.


I hear you. It was like that for me, too. Really. And I don't think we're alone. But you know, I could handle my feelings, and they didn't overwhelm me. I think we are more resilient than we think. And also, the more we hold back, the more it feels dangerous to let it out, because we feel we are "accumulating."

Maybe you can let out some of that pent up energy, regularly, rather than all or a lot of it at once?

We are kind of forced to do that, as we can't break down at work. I remember having to hold it together until I could get home. It was a challenge. Thankfully, that phase does pass.


Exactly what you are doing now: feeling my feelings. Grieving a loss.


I can't answer that, but I can tell you that it was also worse for me the second time around. I think maybe reality hits us so hard in the end that we are doubly crushed. At least for me, I thought I was dealing with things throughout; suddenly I realized I hadn't been, the hope was false hope, and all that hit me hard.

Hang in there. You are not alone. 

heartandwhole

a month or so out i discovered that my ex was reading my email. i let her for some time. it brought me comfort, obviously. when the day came that i changed my password, a new wave of despair that i hadnt previously felt hit me.

it sounds like perhaps this step was a form of closure. it makes sense to me that you would feel that. grief is not linear, and often we dont process parts of it before we are able/ready. 

as  C<||| heartandwhole said, feeling your feelings and grieving your loss is the way through  |iiii

I think it's the finality, the realization that it really is over for good.  It sounds like you were still hanging on to some hope, if only subliminally, but somehow still hanging on. 

If  your relationship was anything like mine was I think you're probably hanging on the the "idea" or "ideal" of the relationship and not the "reality" of what was.  We are wired to block out the bad and remember the good, and sometime to push through the barrier we have to purposely remember what really happened... .

Stay strong,

NS

Hey Another.

There is nothing wrong with crying.  Don't try to hold it back all the time, let it come.  And don't expect your feelings on this to shut off and never come back.

It's a process.  You can guide it and control it to an extent. Sounds like you are doing a good job with that. 

That false hope is a killer. I guess as long as there is even a sliver of hope in us, we haven't really begun the work.

I am doing much better today. A friend gave me the "let your feelings flow without judgment" speech. It's working.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies. They really make a huge impact!

You are spot on! What bad? Was there anything bad in that relationship?  :)

I have written down some of the worst of the treatment so I can have it at hand when I start pining. Trying to balance it though, where I don't just end up angry!

That's what my friend was telling me as well. Let the process work, she said... .

I am not further along, but wanted to say I understand this pain. Wow, I am really impressed at your friend's wisdom! We don't attract such friends without being pretty amazing outselves.
I came across something recently that has been helpful to me, just in case it could help you too. Sometimes we feel that we are going the wrong direction when we start to feel more pain, but increased pain is often comes to teach us, and then it subsides. Your courage to accept yourself with honesty sounds to me like a step of great healing and growth.  Now I'll try to tell myself the same thing haha!  You're not alone.

Very wise words!  |iiii