Print Page - Want tO get this right, but how?

Hi, I've posted mainly on Detaching, because that's what I've often felt I needed to do, but my heart has never been in it, and so every time she's come back, I've gone back, and then it's the same old thing... .often within days, maybe hours even, and then back on Detaching...

I have got stronger in myself in that I now have boundaries that I maintain and also get on with my life when she disappears, and I consider these to be big steps forward, even though they have been the cause of a lot of conflict, because she knows I'm not so much in her control any more. I try and follow the lessons but I do know I'm often very invalidating because so much of what she says is so awful and so far from true that I can't bear it (she accuses me of infidelity with pretty much anyone who moves) and I know I need to work harder on just letting that go.

Anyway, she has come up with a plan, which is basically that the reason we are like this is because things from our past have never been dealt with and that's why she can't ever trust me and so what we need to do is deal with the past so it can all be fine.
In theory I can see that she's really trying and so of course I want to try.
But in reality I know that this will almost certainly be just another way for her to attack me about things that happened four years ago, which she was part of, and which we have talked about as infinitum anyway and can't change - we had an affair, both of us together, both were with others and then left them- it was wrong, of course. But it happened and can't be undone, and somehow over the years this has come to prove that I can't be trusted, despite the fact I've been entirely 100% faithful and committted to her and she has been on dating sites every time she dumps me after she's accused me of unthinkable and untrue things.
So, my issues are:
I accept that she has problems with the past. But it isn't just my past, and I find it hard to be blamed, especially given I have put up with so much appalling abuse and disloyalty from her because she feels it's justified and I try and understand and so let go as much as possible.
And it was in the past. she in no way acknowledges the things that she does now, is doing now and has done for four years that hurt me over and over. I'm not saying I'm a saint, of course not, but I do my absolute best to do right by her, I do believe I couldn't try harder, and it is met by the next thing I've done wrong, the next person I fancy, the next lie I'm telling... .none of which is ever true. Ever.

But I suppose the optimistic bit of me thinks that if she thinks this will help, then maybe it will. I'm just not convinced of our ability to revisit it all helpfully. So, my question is- please does anyone have any advice on how i can do my bit the best I can, and possible pitfalls I need to avoid and how to, if that's possible? I want a life with her, but we have to change something.

I'm sorry if this is a bit rambly, hope it makes sense.
Thank you

Hi La Carotte,

Having a lot of history together, including infidelity, has to be painful for both of you

People with BPD are exceptional at ferreting out the emotional buttons in loved ones, and pressing them. It sounds like she knows your buttons and presses them, and you react.

Part of being in these relationships is radical acceptance that this button-pushing is part of the disorder, and though it feels personal, often it is not. Being able to change her behavior means changing yours. If the button doesn't work, there is no point pressing it.

I know it's hard to do this. Can you make a deal with yourself that you will take a time out when you feel your emotions beginning to wind up? Maybe tell her you need to take a timeout and you'll be back in 15 minutes or whenever you feel a little more centered.

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: La Carotte on January 18, 2017, 06:04:20 PM