BPDFamily.com

Thanks for all the posts on this forum.  My wife has not been diagnosed with BPD but my therapist asked me to read about living with someone with BPD and the experiences posted on this board are so close to what I am experiencing that, whether she has BPD or not, the techniques discussed here are really helping me.  At this point, the raging/screaming has become much less frequent but has been replaced with something that I feel is also abusive and I don't know how to set a boundary for it.  The problem is with lecturing.  When I try to discuss anything with her, it turns into a lecture.  The lecture usually includes some name calling and attributing ulterior motives to my actions and a discourse on all of the faults of my family members, but I am more concerned with just lecturing in general.  Am I justified in thinking that lecturing is an unacceptable form of communication between adults?  It makes me feel like I am being treated like a child.   Can I set a boundary here by just saying that I will not listen to a lecture?  When I do that she denies that she is lecturing at all and that I am a poor communicator (which is probably true).  I realize that I don't need her approval to set this boundary but I don't want to cut off all communication and this is about her only form of communication.

Another issue is that she feels like I can talk to anyone else but clam up around her, which is true.  It is very hard for me to open up with her because saying the wrong thing can trigger an event.  Do any of you have this problem?  She does not work outside the home (not my choice) and is isolated.  (She has no contact with any of her family and can't stand mine.)  On many days, I am the only person she talks to so I understand the need to talk.  However, I have been talking to people all day and am kind of worn out.

Lecturing is probably something someone did to her. It allows her to create a one-down dynamic where she can elevate her own standing and raise her self-worth at your expense. You feel it as a slight to your own competence, and it is, sort of a parent-child dynamic, and not a good one.

It's reasonable to find her communication approach taxing, and to seek change. Because she is BPD, the limits have to be ones you set for yourself.

"I want to hear what you have to say. I won't be lectured or discuss this longer than 2 minutes." Then be willing to walk away at the 2-minute mark. Every time.

A technique that Patricia Evans talks about in her book on verbal abuse is to hold up your hand and say one word, repeatedly, in a firm but gentle voice during a tirade. I used this technique with my son's father during mild dysregulations and I could see him go from parent-role to child-role right in front of my eyes. I would hold up my hand and say, "stop," or "no" and mean it.

It can feel odd to repeat yourself over and over -- however, trying different ways of saying no typically does not work when the whole point of the conversation is for them to feel better about themselves at your expense.

Is she at all cooperative? Some people with BPD have tender cycles where you can discuss in advance what you won't endure, and how you will respond if the situation occurs again. You might add something like, "I need to give myself time-outs at times, for my own health, because I flood after a few minutes. If I take a time-out, I will be back as soon as my emotions are squared away."

Any of these seem like things you could do with her?

This is my H. I've had lectures go for HOURS! I seriously had no clue someone could talk on the same subject for so long. I would rather he scream and yell for 2 minutes than lecture me for 4. It's pure torture. I have learned that if we get to the lecture, then I have failed in validating long before that. He now feels like he has to punish me, rub my nose it, and make sure I will never do it again. The part that frustrates me the most is that the lecture usually comes after I apologize for something I did not really do.

I honestly have not figured out how to stop a lecture. I have tried to set the boundary of "I'm done talk about this now." But then he just KEEPS going. One thing I"ve kind of started to do, meaning I've only tried it a couple times, and I'm not sure if the outcome worked or not, but if he keeps going, I say, "I'm starting to get very angry that we are still talking about this. I'm going to go for a walk to cool off." Not sure yet on the outcome as he usually wants to hash it out again when I get home, but then again, he isn't as upset about it.

I say less now for 2 reasons. One, I don't want to say something that sets her off, and two, I don't want to say something I will hear about later, as in, your a Dumb A%# or something that feels like that.

I am also conflict avoidant, so I don't like all this stuff.

Mine is pretty high functioning, so sometimes she can see she says something that hurts my feelings.

Thanks Tattered Heart for the reply.  It helps to know others are dealing with this too.   Sounds like your experience is very similar.  The suggestions that were offered in the first reply to my post seemed very helpful and I am going to try them...   What really helps me is getting confirmation that I don't have to put up with lecturing and I can put up boundaries.  The lectures are always framed as "we need to talk".  I really would like to talk about things but what she really means is that I need to sit there and hear abuse until she feels better.  It may help her but I am not willing to accept the damage it does to me.