BPDFamily.com

My husband of 28 years has been told by our counselor that he has symptoms of BPD.   At this point he just won't get a diagnoses, has the added issue of depression.      I'm trying to take care of myself, but need to have some outside support.   I see the counselor, but she suggests maybe a one a month visit which is so upsetting to my husband, since if i would only deal with my problems,  we would be fine.  I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells,  but am still just learning about BPD.   Any encouragment would be greatly appreciated!

Welcome Carebeth:  

I'm sorry about the situation with your husband.  Seems they always want to blame someone else and think you are the one who needs to be fixed.  Is your husband taking any meds for his depression?

BPD can be very confusing. This is a good place to learn and pick up some skills.  There are some lessons in the margin to the right and within the large green banner at the very top of the page.  The basic tools are a good place to start. 

What are some of your husband's most disturbing behaviors?

A big hallmark of BPD is avoiding shame.  Admitting he has an issue that can be helped by therapy would basically be saying he deserves shame (to him).  So, like many pwBPD, he has determined it's all you, if you'd just "fix things" all would be well.

Getting a pwBPD to go to therapy, commit to sticking with it, and implementing any changes is very hard, and very unlikely.

But do not despair!  Even if you DO just find some support for yourself, anything that makes YOU feel better, stronger, and less likely to be enmeshed and isolated will actually help overall.  When we learn about how our co-dependent "fix it" instincts actually trigger more outbursts, more irrational behaviour, and we can learn to try new methods of handling those things, life CAN get better.  It takes time, it takes being more mindful than your pwBPD can usually ever be, and it does assume taking on a higher amount of emotional responsibility in the relationship.  But you are probably already doing that anyway. 

As I read the information here I see the "in the best ever"  and he's so on my side in everything,  but a moment later he can say "I don't want you here, but don't leave me "

He is self employed and many days he can sit and brew and only get an hour of work done.  Other days he is highly productive (but rarely like he was in the past) 
Again, when confronted on this, he says that he's trying to figure our relationship out and if only... .
Naturally, limited work makes for limited income, which lowers self worth,  which causes depression, which... .Around and around we go.

He hasn't agreed to any medication for the depression either, although he is taking natural supplements which have helped.

We have 4 grown ,married sons (and 3 younger kids at home) which don't know anything about any of this.   Is it proper or helpful to fill them in on what's going on?   I called an emergency meeting about a year and a half ago when he was very angry,  but then I called it off knowing what his reaction would be.   He was Not pleased when I later told him I was going to the boys.

He has always been more moody,  but this came out in full force after losing a house in the recent recession,  having no work, etc.   Once everything settled down, he crashed.

Hi Carebeth 

Could you clarify? You mention "our counselor" in reference to the possible BPD, but later on you mention "I see the counselor". Are you getting individual or couples counseling? Perhaps if you have individual counseling, the two of you could focus on some things that could really help your relationship with your husband such as validation and working on defining your limits. You can even practice validation and enforcing your limits with your counselor.

I agree, the back and forth, black and white reactions can be maddening at times (well ok, all the time  ). The only way I've found through it is to find things that will help me feel like I can maintain some sanity in all the back and forth. First, realize it's not me. I didn't do anything deserving of the extreme reaction I'm getting. Two, is to get myself away to breathe. Getting angry and/or hurt doesn't do one bit of good! I like to jog, play a game in the quiet of my room, watch a movie, read a book (anything to get away from the punishment). Third, remind myself that I'm important. My opinions and feelings matter and I will value them even if others may not.

You're not alone! Hang in there and slowly but surely you're going to find some things that will help.