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Title: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: bananas2 on February 08, 2017, 08:22:19 PM Thought I'd start a thread about "red flags" - those indicators of a problem we overlooked in the early stages of the relationship. Hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it can give us some insight about ourselves & what we look for or decide to overlook in relationships (romantic & otherwise). I guess I'm just curious about those VERY specific moments when we noticed a behavior/action & that old song played in our heads: "Things That Make You Go Hmmm," but love or friendship blinded us so much at the time that we looked beyond it. Wondering what behavioral red flags we saw & dismissed.
For me, with my BPD Hub, I remember 3 distinct things: 1) Disregard for others: His Red Flag: A few months into dating, I was walking up to his apartment & heard his music playing VERY loudly throughout the apt bldg. When he opened his door, I said, "You're music is really loud. Aren't you concerned about your neighbors?" His response was, "Screw them if they don't like it." My Unspoken Thought: This guy only cares about his own satisfaction & has no regard for the needs of others. 2) Whatever Makes Him Look Good: [/b]His Red Flag: He was extremely late to meet his cousin & was just leaving the house (about an hour away). His cousin called & my hub told him "I left a long time ago. Be in there in 5 mins." I asked him why he said that. He said bc it "looks better" if I told I left a long time ago." My Unspoken Thought: Two-faced. 3) Dishonesty: [/b]His Red Flag: We had just decided to move in together & sat down to discuss finances. He said he had NO debt other than a few more payments on his car. Right after we moved in, I started seeing his mail - overdue notices for all sorts of things. 10k in debt. My Unspoken Thought: Liar. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Jester20 on February 09, 2017, 04:42:07 AM Red flag 1... .he told me he had fallen in love with me within 2 weeks
My thoughts- odd Red flag 2... .he told me he had been made bankrupt but it was a medical bankruptcy and he is American My thoughts... .I actually didn't think too much of this as I know a lot of Americans face this due to their healthcare system. Red flag 3... .he got do angry at another motorist that cut him up that he followed him to wherever he was going. My thoughts... .your ___ing crazy, that motorist didn't do anything and you have a SERIOUS anger problem and I am NOT getting in a car with you EVER again. ( I actually said this) Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Tattered Heart on February 09, 2017, 01:25:09 PM Red Flag red-flag: He lived with his mom at 24 (but it was for financial reasons)
Red Flag red-flag: Relationship progressed really fast (but this was different than the last time) Red Flag red-flag: The way he looked at me the first time he blew up because I didn't want to go to the same place as him. He looked through me. Red Flag red-flag: The knot in my stomach that told me to run just weeks before our wedding, but I told myself to be quiet, we were too far in now, it was just cold feet Red Flag red-flag: He got fired from a job for kicking a piece of equipment while we were dating Although I'm not going anywhere, my fantasy isn't for a man that treats me well, but it's for solitude--no one to yell at me, no one to get angry. Just me and my dogs and cats. An empty quiet house. It sounds so luxurious. Calgon take me away. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Sufficating on February 09, 2017, 03:10:14 PM Red Flag 1: He showed up to a planned dinner date in my home almost an hour early
My thoughts: He's really excited! Not... .he's pushing boundaries Red Flag 2: He had a large amount of savings while having a low paying job My thoughts: He's so financially responsible! Not... .he inherited money and passed it off as “savings” Red Flag 3: He moved in after 2.5 months My thoughts: He really loves me! Not… he’s controlling I could go on and on... . Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: MovingOn23 on February 09, 2017, 03:56:18 PM Circular Arguments - right from the start. I didn't know what they were, but I was extremely frustrated by these arguments that would seemingly never end - arguments that it seemed like she (my BPD spouse) somehow just kept going, and going, and going.
Also, if I knew then what I know now, then her far-less-than-desirable upbringing, mostly without being to count on either parent to be there for her, would have definitely been something I would have viewed very differently and would have directed me to far more carefully consider a great deal of other things. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: SettingBorders on February 11, 2017, 04:27:32 PM red-flag He was very needy in the dating phase.
red-flag The way he talked about his mother. In his opinion, she was a victim and everybody did her wrong. red-flag The way he talked about his ex girlfriend. She had some mental problems according to his account. red-flag He showed me some of his email conversation he did for work. But they were full of arguements and he was rather escalating them. red-flag Asking for help with his thesis and not accepting any of my suggestions to make that wired and very confusing text more readable. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: SettingBorders on February 11, 2017, 04:28:57 PM Ups, double posting.
Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Sluggo on February 11, 2017, 09:45:22 PM red-flag My wifes brother told me not to marry her. He said she had a lot of anger issues.
red-flag When moving to her town- I said I was getting an apartment- she said just live with me (wanted to know where I was at all times) red-flag Giving me the silent treatment on our honeymoon red-flag When at her parents house (in Latin America), she would not let me leave saying it was to dangerous. I could only leave with her. red-flag the first time I saw her smack our baby's hand. red-flag an on and on Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Cat Familiar on February 12, 2017, 12:25:22 PM red-flag Drinking a lot. (I thought it was just stress from a recent divorce, moving to live nearer to me, a new job.)
red-flag Criticizing his co-workers. He criticized nearly everyone he had previously worked with. They either weren't as smart as him, had poor ethical standards, didn't work as hard as he did, etc. red-flag All his previous relationships had betrayed him in some form, whether cheating on him or ignoring him. red-flag Terrible impatience. Difficulty tolerating standing in line at the grocers. Sometimes would leave if line was too long. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Stolen on February 12, 2017, 01:02:10 PM red-flag Her mother
red-flag Her grandmother Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: flourdust on February 13, 2017, 10:11:58 AM red-flag She had a mysterious illness that put her in a wheelchair. No physiological cause, and it went away on its own.
red-flag She gushed to me about her wonderful best friend. When I met her best friend, she was upset that best friend hadn't been solicitous enough about her mysterious illness. She immediately cut best friend out of her life. red-flag She was being persecuted at work and had hired a lawyer to sue them. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: Cipher13 on February 13, 2017, 10:24:12 AM red-flag#1 She would break up with me every few weeks out of the blue while dating
red-flag#2 She still had a security blanket red-flag#3 3 weeks before wedding I wanted to get away for a weekend with my father and grandfather. She went into a huge rage ripping up photos and making threats. Title: Re: RED FLAGS: What are some of the "red flags" we overlooked early on? Post by: PeteWitsend on February 19, 2017, 10:00:37 PM #1 red-flag - she had gone to a prestigious grad school program, but when we met, was rooming with a bunch of complete losers and lowlifes, and would - contrary to all evidence, defend them as good people, while attacking any of my friends for their flaws, no matter how minor.
#2 red-flag - had a decent job in her home country, but had flamed out of a couple internships here and was now borrowing money from friends, yet still spending as though she didn't care. #3 red-flag would talk about her ex-BF CONSTANTLY, but if I brought up an ex-gf, I would get nasty comments, accusing me of still being in love with them, wanting to go back, lying to her about them, etc. If she discovered any hint of a former girlfriend (even if it was a high school prom picture from 12 years ago) She would angrily ambush me with it, throw it in my face, scream at me. #4 red-flag never-ending stream of tasks I had to complete to make her happy, and failing to read her mind or do them without expressing any dissatisfaction would result in silent treatment or personal attacks about how selfish I was, or how I never wanted to spend time with her. Those were probably the biggest ones. |