BPDFamily.com

Hi All-
I am new here- I have believed for some time that my mother may have BPD.  I left home at 23 to escape not knowing what I had been living with. Now 20 yrs later I find myself out of a job and possibly having to move back in with her.  I am trying everything not to do so but may not have a choice.  The truth is I think I would rather blow through what little savings I have than live with her and her brother in a tiny one bedroom to save money.
When I have stayed with her overnight I sleep on her couch and she will keep me up until 2am running around with her cats saying look at this and that. She will try and engage me in intense conversations and when I suggest we discuss it in the morning she gets angry

I have been trying to speak with her about the logistics of moving in for months -now I am weeks away from moving in still with no clear picture.  She wants me to move in and has offered. But when I ask her if we can sit down and talk or talk by phone -through what it would look like if I did move in, she just says the obvious- it will be tight and I will be on their schedule. But I want to talk about the logistics -privacy and where I will keep my things and my pet. Today she initially said she could not answer that unless I was physically there.  I am met with remarks like I dont have time to talk because of our volunteers at work(?) or I am not changing my life or house for you but I think you should stay here I want to help you but I won't accommodate you or we just have to compromise (I certainly realize I am / my situation is an imposition- I don't want to interfere in their schedules) But when she says compromise - I say that comes with having a conversation which she does not want to have.  After about an hour of arguing and defensive talk, today, she finally began to become more amenable to a conversation and I finally got her to say she would make space in a dresser and closet. I asked about food storage but she would not offer anymore thought to the matter.

To top it off I had asked her not to tell her sister's family that I lost my job because they have said hateful things in the past about us- that we are losers and enjoy mocking us. My mother said in asking her not to share my misfortune with her sister it was equivalent to asking her to never talk with her sister again. That seems like an extreme response. She believes I am putting her in a situation in which she has to lie. I am asking she say I am fine, well, healthy- but does not need to share my employment status- an omission not a lie. I just don't feel like I can trust her to keep my secrets private. And thus, when she complains I never tell her anything - this is why. She shares my private matters with anyone.

As I write all of this, I feel that perhaps I am the crazy one, the irrational one.  I know this all sounds like general family conflict-sadly. My mother swings from one emotion to the other -we can be having a great day and something will trigger her and she goes into attack mode and or some severe anxiety attack where she can not control her emotions and begins to shake and cry and scream.  She can not individuate. Often this may come from a general disagreement or a boundry I place. I think it is normal to disagree without it causing anger and resentment?

Hi cassanova and welcome to  bpdfamily

I am sorry you are in such a difficult sitiuation. Losing your job is challenging enough and I can understand why the thought of moving in with your likely BPD mom would worry you.


When was the last time you stayed with her overnight? How do you respond when your mother gets angry?


Yes, when dealing with non-disordered people this probably would be normal. However, considering you believe your mother has BPD, this would mean her thinking and perception are quite distorted which would cause intense emotions in her resulting in quite difficult behavior. Your post makes clear that you find it quite hard talking to your mother because of the way she responds to you. To help you interact with her, it might help to explore some of the communication techniques described on this site:

Validate, don't invalidate, but only validate the valid (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

The structured ways of communicating help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. They of course don't give a 100% guarantee of success, but following the scripts can increase your chances of success. Following the structured patterns can also help you stay more calm yourself. Were you already familiar with any of these techniques?

The Board Parrot

Hi, cassanova,

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to work out details of your living arrangements, whether you're planning to move in with your parents or with anyone else. However, as you can see, your mother might not ever see it that way. It might not be part of her skill set to be able to think about those details ahead of time. Still, it is not wrong to want to communicate and reach an agreement about shared spaces and resources. Writing out a kind of lease agreement can be a smart thing for both parties.

If your mother has BPD, she's not going to be very good with boundaries, and "extreme responses" will be her norm. It won't be reasonable for you to expect her to understand that you have or need boundaries, so you are right to see from experience that she won't be able to protect your privacy and your secrets. Like Kwamina said, you may need to readjust your expectations about how she should be behaving in order to accept that she is who she is. That doesn't mean excusing her behavior, it means looking at the facts realistically so you can take care of you. This article on Radical Acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0) helped me a lot when I first came here. Kwamina has pointed you to some other good resources, too.

Are you still willing to consider moving in with your mother if she doesn't want to work out the living arrangements ahead of time? Have you thought about how long you'd be willing to stay there?

Wishing you peace,

PF