BPDFamily.com

Hi, Ive been married 30 years to a BPD, and have managed to survive, but now that the kids are gone, and he hasn't been well, I see him devolving before my eyes. He has worked an addiction  recovery program in the past and that has helped, but he has been sick for about 5 months with some hard time taking deep breaths. This has lad to anxiety and rounds of doctors, so now his emotional stability is at stake. Ive joined this community to seek your wisdom.
Shinara
 

Hi Shinara,  

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. 30 is a long history, I'm sorry ot hear that you're going a difficult time. is your H diagnosed with BPD? I can see how the anxiety would trigger him, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, the person can't self sooth and the anger is directed at loved ones because they're the most tempered. It doesn't mean that we have to subject ourselves to behavior that should really be managed by that person and not from someone else. I just want to ask you what your boundaries are when your H has meltdowns?

I'd actually some some input about boundaries when we have 7/8 guests around a table for dinner and suddenly he's triggered and attacks one of them. He has learned over the years not to attack me, but hasn't quite got the message about others. I know that his triggers around dinner include: not having his voice heard at the family table, anxiety over whether all the dishes match, etc etc. The questions how  do I respond or manage it? After his outburst he got up and left the table and went to bed. He knew he was wrong, so he put himself in "time out", I was left with shocked guests.

The other thing I have noticed is that the  full and quarter moons exacerbate the outbursts and his inability to control himself. Anybody else notice this?
Shinara

One thing which helped me, but took a loong time to come to accept was that I'm not responsible for another person's behavior, even if I'm married to them.

There were many times my wife would get triggered and lash out at people in ways that were hurtful and confusing to them.

I tried to find ways to "make things better", trying to make my wife look better, apologizing for her odd behavior, or trying to somehow justify it.

Unsurprisingly, this didn't really make things very much better, and it didn't do anything to stop the behavior.

Realizing that her r/s with my friends and family or joint friends and fmaily was hers, and it wasn't my job to protect or fix it helped.

So did realizing that if *I* tried to fix my wife's messes, it made me look worse.

In short... .you really can't manage it. But it is OK. Especially since he takes himself into time out, which is better than other things he could do!

Since you can be affected by his social behavior it's difficult to separate you from him,  but you can't control his behavior and unfortunately that means he has a right to embarrass himself (and sadly his behavior can cause you to feel embarrassed too). Let him blow up and leave the table. Once he leaves quietly address the people he offended. Don't apologize FOR him, but perhaps you could talk about how the blow up made things uncomfortable. I'm learning direct communication is best and taking the subject head on really helps me avoid embarrassment.   If the friends are close enough friends, and you trust them, perhaps you can try to explain a little about BPD to them. This is very touchy as you don't want to degrade your H or share too much private info with friends, but if they are going to be a part of your life, then they might want to know what is going on with him.

I've had situations where my H blew up on friends. He eventually talked to the person and they talked it out, but the public humiliation for me was so difficult. I can see how his behavior has ostracized us from others. We no longer get invited to certain events and it's painful.

I am conscious of my social reputation. I've had to go to couple's parties alone. I've been left with having to decide whether to make up a lie or tell an uncomfortable truth. I went with the truth. I just said, "He didn't feel like coming." It took a lot of pressure off me and when they saw my H next he had to answer for his absence.