BPDFamily.com

Why do those with BPD mistreat the person they love the most?

My daughter is 15 years old and treats me horribly. I know you can never change anyone else - you can only put up boundaries for your own personal mental health.

It just feels so exhausting. 'Boundaries' has meant that my daughter and I can't have the simplest discussions (ie "what would you like for supper" without her verbally slapping me and in turn me having to leave the conversation.

At this point we can't talk more than a few sentences a day because her anger and hatred over everything spews at me.

When we can talk about it, she tells me that "it is a BPD thing", that everything about me just annoys her, that she "can't help it", that when I say things to her about it "thanks for making me hate myself more". And most of all, she reminds me that it is a "BPD thing that they are worse to those that they love the most."

I have done so much reading on BPD and I understand this is a common thing - but I am having a hard time accepting that all I can do the rest of my life is accept that this is how she will treat me until she can learn how to shift the dynamic.  And in the meantime I just have to continue to put up a solid wall of boundaries- which equates to growing a "thicker skin" and turning the other way when she throws hate at me.

I know exactly what u mean. My hubs doesnt give a ___ about her feelings and so my 29 yr old daughter will never speak to him the way she speaks to me, but she doesnt respect either of us, only our money and what she can get out of us. I cant either hold a convo with her unless she wants something. at this point Im really thinking baout us moving far away to preserve our sanity.

Oh BPDmom99, My heart hurts for you. I understand how horrible your daughter makes you feel. I too have BPD daughter, she is far older than your daughter, but I know the feelings you are having.
I want to encourage you to stay positive, to remember that you matter and your mental health matters just as much as your daughters. try and take some time just for yourself, do something nice , that relaxes you.  hot bath and a glass of wine, whatever works for you.
Your daughter is struggling with her own self loathing, and being a teenager is a tough gig in it's right, but being a teenager with BPD, really brings out those insecurities. You said you have read a ton of stuff, so you know that she feels like everybody hates her, or everybody is staring at her, or they notice any and every flaw she has, which in turn makes her very uncomfortable, and she in turn starts to believe that she is ugly or fat or weird or too loud etc... .she can't accept herself. As a parent we try to convince our children they are perfect, but a BPD child never fully believes it. My daughters therapist told me once that the reason my daughter attacks me is because I ma the person she trusts the  most with her anger and her emotions and her feelings. She knows that I am going to love her, no matter what. She also strikes first as a defense mechanism, if she hurts me first, then I can't hurt her. she needs to be the one doing the damage to protect herself from being hurt by those she loves. Which leads to more self loathing and depression after the fact. It is a nasty illness, and an ever turning cycle, but things can and often do get better.
keep the faith, I will pray for you.