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I have been through 2 years of grief and horror findingbout my husband has been cheating on me with co-workers. He has a job that involves a lot of travel with a high status. Thro a lot of therapy it is clear his behaviour is a symptom of child sexual abuse he suffered from for 7 years age 7 to 14 from a 'friend' of his family in his 60's. He is emotionally immature, highly impulsive, people pleasing in the extreme, able to lie easily and pathologically, attention seeking, has little sense of self, lacks close friends, had a very neglectful disfunctional upbringing and is terrified of losing me & his children. He clearly could not see the consequences of his behaviour and was highly unstable with his feelings towards me reacting strongly to my behaviour. I have been a loving, loyal wife and I have found a lot of his behaviour throughout our relationship confusing and deeply frustrating. There has been a lot of anger. He seems very easily influenced by controlling abusive people who have little awareness of boundaries or respect. I am so conflicted about 'what now?'. He is broken and scared of the consequences of his behaviour and hates himself, has threatened suicide and has self harmed. My question is is his self realisation real? Do BPD people feel remorse or is it remorse when the lies are busted. Thank you

Hi Bella0

I'm really sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time. My ex was unfaithful and I know how much pain infidelity can cause.

Emotional immaturity, identity disturbance (poor sense of self), impulsivity, people pleasing and suicidal ideation are all traits that are associated with borderline personality disorder. It's very possible that his sexual acting out may be driven by all of this too.

He may well be feeling remorse and it's quite possible he may also very frightened of being abandoned. I know this seems contradictory given his behaviour but this is a common pattern of behaviour in BPD.

My ex also had a history of childhood sexual abuse. From what I've seen and read CSA causes so much shame and pain. Facing up to it can be a terrifying prospect and sadly survivors often struggle to deal with the longterm consequences of CSA.

However it's not insurmountable...

Has your husband considered seeing a therapist?

It's not an easy process, it takes a lot of courage and strength, but a really good therapist with the right skills and experience can make a big difference.  The bottom line is that nobody can force him to do this - he needs to choose this for himself  .

From what you've written the last couple of years have been very stressful and traumatic for you. When you're in the middle of an emotional maelstrom it's so easy to lose sight of our own needs and self care.

Do you a support network right now? How are you holding up?

You're among friends here

Reforming

Thank you so much for replying. Yes he is in therapy, has been since I found out. So have I. He is a changed person, its like he looked behind himself for the first time and saw who he was. The therapist is excellent & says he has years of therapy to go thro. From feeling suicidal I now feel I have to make pragmatic decisions for my daughters and I. I think he behaves manically when he was on trips abroad for work - trying to fit in and seeking attention. Paradoxically the therapist thinks a lot of his behaviour comes from bring away from me, feeling abandoned. I just can't relate to this at all, the attention seeking and selfishness has shocked me. Everyone thinks he is 'such a nice guy'. Does anyone else deal with manic behaviour? It was so lovely to get a reply

Hi Bella


It's great that you're both getting professional help. I know from my own experience that this takes a lot of courage.


I imagine that it feel very frightening to confront the reality of his condition. There is no short term fix for treating a personality disorder but there are some very good therapies around that can really help. It's great that he's found a good therapist. [/quote]


I'm really sorry that you've been feeling so low - I know how challenging it can be to live with someone suffering from a disorder and infidelity can be particularly traumatic. I think it's reasonable and mature to prioritise you and your daughters needs. Has your therapist offered any guidance on how you might proceed?


My exes therapist also identified a fear of abandonment. I know this can feel very contradictory because someone suffering from a personality disorder can appear to be the one doing the abandoning. There are reasons for this behaviour

The theory is that those suffering from BPD struggle with object constancy - the ability to maintain a stable internal image of a loved one. This is normally a skill that we learn in early childhood when an infant understands that even when his mother is not physically present she has not abandoned him and still loves him. We learn to create a stable internal image of a loved one that helps us maintain our connection and feel loved.  

I think your husband's therapist is suggesting when he's is away he he struggles to do this and feels abandoned... .So he reaches out to to others to try and fill this void.

Someone suffering from a personality disorder typically has such deep feelings of shame and worthlessness that they are convinced that they will be abandoned / rejected by their partners. So to try and control or avoid this they do the abandoning first.

Their dysfunctional behaviour is triggered by intimacy and hidden from others who often have no real idea of what's actually going on underneath the facade. This was my experience and yes my ex has episodes of mania - not severe but still very upsetting.

Prioritising your own self care is really important so it's great that you're seeing a therapist too.

Keep posting

We're here for you

Reforming

  Welcome here, Bella; I know that I found a great deal of relief in finding a community of people who had been dealing with similar problems to the ones I had!


It is hard to imagine being in the head of somebody with BPD. I think I'm better off; what I know of it is that it is a terrible scary place to live in, so I can at least feel some sympathy for them.

My guess is that the remorse is very sincere and very real at the time he's feeling it and telling you about it.

But that doesn't mean that he will be able to stop, be able to avoid doing it again... .and feeling remorse again... .

I think that is one of the hardest things to really understand--he gets so overwhelmed and swept away by his feelings at the time that he cannot remember or imagine he ever felt differently or ever would feel differently.

That he's in therapy is encouraging--it is possible to recover from this, it just isn't fast or easy, and probably will be three steps forward, trip on a pebble, fall flat on his face, and two steps back, etc. But real progress is possible.

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Besides this cheating, is there anything else in how he treats you that you are struggling with?