BPDFamily.com

Found this website after reading my 10th article about BPD and bipolar disorder.  I use to think I was a laid-back person, but now i can never say that ever again.  I allowed myself to get into trivial quarrels and did everything we are not suppose to, like "don't take it personal" or "go for a walk". I am tired of the weekly berating and want to get off this carny style roller-coaster because i can see the screws coming unhinged. I now think there is a psychological problem with me for staying in for 2 years. Help.

Hi Supershah101, welcome to BPD Family   . Don’t be too hard on yourself it takes super human strength to not get drawn into BPD quarrels. Much easier said than done.  You’ve  found a great place for love and support and we’re here to help you. When you’re ready tell us a little more about your story. What’s been happening?

Hi SuperShah101

Welcome to BPD Family   

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Relationships can be very challenging and having a support group freeing and helping with the feeling of isolation and no-one-understands.  Glad you found us, we can certainly be the supportive site you are looking for.

I had a few comments on your post:
I allowed myself to get into trivial quarrels and did everything we are not suppose to, like "don't take it personal" or "go for a walk".

BP and Non-BP R/S' alike  have quarrels and all couples don't behave their best all the time.  It is ok to give ourselves some room to be human and make mistakes. 

pwBPD have a low threshold for emotional pain and many conflicts are started over seemingly petty things.  This really can try our patience and we feel inadequate when our responses aren't what they "could"be or "Should" be.  BPD r/s' can be chaotic, so it is not surprising that there would be more arguments.

I now think there is a psychological problem with me for staying in for 2 years. Help.

I can relate to this.  After sharing all that I had learned about BP with a friend her comment was, why did you stay?  The answer was simple; I loved her.  To me the problem wasn't that I stayed, it was why I was twisting myself into a pretzel to make my ex happy.  She was never happy, regardless of what I did and I knew that I was not the source of her unhappiness, though she blamed me for it and I accepted that blame.

Do you think that your attempts to make the relationship work have helped?

JRB

Hi Supershah

I can relate to this. Think support is vital when in a r/s with a pwBPD and these boards are a great way to start, although I have found that I also needed face to face support and therefore both attend my own therapy and an Al-Anon group (my pwBPD has co-morbid alcohol abuse problems).

If I have learnt one thing (and its hard lesson) it is that nothing I do will make my pwBPD happy! I also cannot ease their emotional pain because I am not the cause of it, circular arguments over trivial issues are pointless and like you I often found myself getting wrapped up in these and ending up hurt or angry which was self-destructive to me. I now do walk away or just engage in an activity that I enjoy.

Its still hard accepting that I cannot change my partner, this illness is hard -wired and only his personal choice of commitment to long-term therapy will ever change things for him but its his choice and his decision.

Will our r/s last? I don't know honestly, the longer I remain on my path of recovery I suspect a point of divergence will be reached that will mean my taking a new path. Love is great and I do love him but in doing so I have to accept that love is simply not enough and in learning to love myself and accept my needs I slowly find myself losing my pattern of behaviours that have held me trapped in relationships that are based on 'people pleasing' rather than exploring my own potential as a full human being!

Welcome and hope that you find the support you need - for you