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Title: Do I walk away? Post by: AT1 on February 18, 2017, 11:19:04 PM So much of what I just read about my partner appears to be associated with BPD. I was led to this idea by her psychiatrist and have been doing a great deal of reading on the topic. I love my partner, but need to know if the terrible things that have gone on, the things she has done, the blackmail, the threats are going to change, or do I need to move on! Please help. We have been together for 5 years, but obviously things are not going to get better and she does not want to work diligently and honestly with her doctor. i am afraid she is not going to get the behavioral therapy needed to improve the condition.
Thank you ! AT1 Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: waverider on February 19, 2017, 04:06:52 AM *welcome* AT1
What would you like to happen, and what have you changed in your interactions with her since learning about this? It is not always a good idea to make such life changing decisions without trying to use established techniques, to at the least bring you to a place of making an educated choice. It is the same path regardless of whether the end result is stay or leave... You have come to the right place to start making sense of this. Are there any specific issues that you would like to work through? Waverider Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: joeramabeme on February 19, 2017, 08:54:27 PM Hi AT1
Welcome to BPD Family. Sorry to hear what you are going through. When you ask what should you do, as Waverider asked, do you know what you would like as an outcome? To clarify, this is not an all or nothing answer. For example, I want her to be all better - I am sure you do, we all have wanted that. The truth is more likely that she will not be all better. Based on what you learn here and practicing some of the tools - things may get somewhat better. Perhaps certain areas get better and others get worst. So the question contains more gray than would initially appear. To rephrase the question a little bit; what are you willing to accept to stay in a relationship with your girl? For example, in my case, I needed her to stop berating and criticizing me. There were other points that I also did not like but could have accepted. What are your "showstoppers"? JRB Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: AT1 on March 26, 2017, 09:44:36 PM My partner does not want to accept the diagnosis of BPD. She has left that psychiatrist that made the diagnosis and thinks that things will just be ok... .
I am trying hard not to interact with argumentative behaviors, but there are times when she just insists that conflict continue. It is a very trying and very difficult situation! What do I do when she will not get help! Thank you! AT1 Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: joeramabeme on March 27, 2017, 04:05:11 PM AT1
Unfortunately, if she will not get help you cannot force her to. My ex and I went to therapy together for years. The therapist urged her to look at her issues and she simply could not see them and made grand stories and excuses as to why she was not to fault. These are not simple relationships and can be very challenging. Can you picture yourself practicing some techniques to help you manage the associated stress? For example, one T I saw told me to be firm with my then wife and gave this example. When she starts to get unreasonable and change the topic, stay focused. Focus on the issue that I had brought to the conversation and not the one that she continually tried to change it to. Gently but firmly keep coming back to your point. If she is unwilling to stay on point or gets indignant, explain to her that you are going to walk away from the conversation but want to come back to it and then literally walk away. If she follows you, keep explaining your point firmly and as best as possible without anger or heavy feelings. Practicing a new way of doing things takes learning and it also takes your partner getting adjusted to the idea that you are doing things differently than before. It will be uncomfortable but it truly is your best option. If she will not look at her part of the relationship than you will need to focus more on what you need and how to get it. There are lots of lessons about how to communicate on this site. Have you seen the Lessons section (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0)? JRB Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: Wanna Move On on March 31, 2017, 11:32:57 PM AT1, yes, walk away! BPD does not change. It is a permanent emotional handicap. It is there for life.
For your own long term mental health you will have no choice but to move on and walk away -- as painful as it will be at first. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I wish you all the best. Title: Re: Do I walk away? Post by: Panshekay on April 03, 2017, 08:27:18 PM The past predicts the future if something doesn't change. You can't fix or change her. Do you have children together?
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