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So looking back on my relationship and the current process of divorce and I am truely amazed at how over our 4 years together my BPD/NPDw has been able to maintain two separate personalities so incredibly well.  She is high functioning, very attractive and seems to be able to maintain outside relationships, but my experience at home was SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT. 

After about a year of slow work on me I was alone, financially controlled and felt like a slave/guest in my own home.  And it got worse and worse over time, to the point where I could be mid two week silent treatment at home, then get the hug and kiss hey honey treatment at home then as soon as we were out of public she'd go right back to treating me cold and like an object.

She was also SO GOOD at painting me into a situation on public.  She could be all love and anytime someone stepped away make comments to provoke me, then back to nice... .after a while it would just break me.

Just thinking out loud... .it really was crazy making... .

NS

Oops, can I edit this?  What I meant to say was... .

"I could be mid two week silent treatment at home, then get the hug and kiss hey honey treatment while we we're in public then as soon as we were home she'd go right back to treating me cold and like an object."

NS

I know how you feel. Have you seen that new tv show, Imposters? It's supposed to be a drama-comedy. All it does is remind me of my ex. It's about a woman who scams people and leaves them with nothing. Finally three of her exes team up to try to locate her (two men and one woman, her ex wife).

What I found in my relationship is that once it was over and I was out of the FOG I got a better picture of the situation. She didn't really have any friends, just proxies and enablers. Some she was saying horrible things to about me throughout the relationship... .some she distanced and they thought we were still together even a year into her new relationship after me. Essentially she had a team of "lovers" and "haters" she pretty much kept separate from each other... .that way she could manipulate them and play "victim" on a whim.

Some people were so hateful of me when the relationship ended, even frightened. That's because the entire time she was painting me as a complete monster. One of these people works with me and is her sister. It's terrible. I used to be intimidated (she sent FB threats that she would get me fired) but now, two years out I am stronger and walk with my head up high.

BPD's are good at flipping the switch. Mine could go from hating me and seeing me as the devil to begging and pleading for me to take her back and "help her".

They want you until they don't. They need you until they don't. There is 0 percent loyalty and no-inbetween.

Right now I'm just blown away by the level of detachment and anger from her.  I think a big part of it is that she is mentally demonizing me to justify how much she is financially going to take from me after a short 2 1/2 year marriage.  If she sees me as any part good she will know what she is doing is wrong, if she paints me as all bad what she's doing is somehow justified.

Either way, in my opinion is all sociopath behavior as no one with any real conscience would justify as she put it, "when I'm done with you, you'll crawl into a $#!% apartment scraping together the last of your pennies... .I bet your boys will love that... ."

Yeah... .so I've got that going for me... .which is nice... .

NS

Dear New Start,
  They don't get everything their way in court.  The judge I had saw my ex for what he was.  We had been married 19 years and both had college degrees, but I worked and he mostly made excuses, so guess who got to pay spousal support?  However, the judge ordered him to become self-supporting, cut the amount in half and gave a cut off date.  That way, my ex couldn't appeal.  So don't let her psych you out!

I hope that is a big part of her tactic, to psych me out... .might be why we're headed back to mediation after she quit the first round and lawyered up?

Her new psych tactic has gone from threats and anger to silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviors.  A great example is over the past couple of weeks she started taking my bath towel off the rack and putting in a ball on the floor... .and when I didn't react, she started to remove it from the bathroom all together... .so again I haven't reacted I just have to take my towel to my room with me.  So now, she started to remove the soap so that I have to take a dopp kit in with me every morning, like I'm living in a dorm... .it's been my home for a dozen years and she is trying to take it from me in the divorce, it's all part of her mental game to detach me from my space... .she's taken to sitting in my chair in the living room every night as well and has instructed her children to do the same if she's not around... .yeah, it's been a lot of fun around the house over the past couple of months... .

NS

Hey NS, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  My BPDxW has a gregarious personality and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know that, behind closed doors, the Mayor was actually Mr. Hyde with an abusive and violent side.  Those w/BPD are quite savvy about hiding their disorder, in my view, because they've been doing it all their lives.  Only those closest to them get to see their dark side, which can be horrific.  Divorce is hard on everyone, yet at some point I predict you will be grateful to have parted ways w/your BPD Ex.  It's onwards and upwards for you from here!

LuckyJim

Lucky Jim,

It sounds like you're BPDexW and my uBPDstbexW are similar in their standing in our small communities, so I feel for you.  It makes it that much more difficult when everyone looks at the non as the problem in the relationship... .and my wife can smear campaign with the best of them.


Oh yeah, I'll be grateful we parted ways... .don't think I will ever be grateful that I met her though... .

NS

Hi NS,



Have you read our article on triangulation? Do you know how to get out of it?

I experienced this too and it bugged me so much.  Mean behind closed doors and then flirty and touchy feely when others came around.  I didn't play nicely.  If he grabbed my arm or tried to pull me in for a hug, I pulled away... .I just couldn't stand it... .it felt like he was molesting me.  Even though it made me look like I was the one being cold.  I didn't care what anyone else thought... .that was not ok with me.  ew ugly... .glad those days are behind me.