BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

I'm wondering if I can receive some feedback of observations of my ex GF who may have symptoms of BPD when we were together.

1 ex gf asked for the mob number of one of my best mates after showing her his attractive photo.

2 She has no emotional connection with me throughout the 3 years relationship

3 she got angry when I told her it was not my place to tell my exBPD wife not to buy her house 1km from my. She was  always angry about me like my Poor sense of colour co ordination, my good relationship with my boys, paying for family meals at restaurants and not asking my boys to pay their shares, persistently devaluing without understanding, critical, black and white, high anxiety level of abandonment etc.

4 she was always evasive throughout our relationship and when I broke up with her she admitted pursuing other guys. After I challenged her on this she told me that I'm no good for her and she actually prayed that God will find me a better woman than her. I think is her ways of avoiding her guilt: any thoughts on this.

5 she was always distance and not willing to discuss issues

6. She refused to listen to my hurts she caused.

7 she apologised but I do not sense remorseful.

8 she wants me on the side after breakup

9. No empathy

10. High conflict relationship at work and socially

11 Fears of abandonment

12 irregular emotions over minor issues

Etc etc etc

We can't diagnose but that doesn't matter.
I can tell you that her behaviour doesn't sound healthy at all, so the diagnosis is irrelevant.
It sounds toxic.

How are you feeling at this moment in time?
Did you go No Contact?

Thanks for the feedback infiEpic.

Yes, diagnosis is not relevant but the description of toxic is spot on.

Is interesting when reviewing post break up contacts over the phone. It always ended up with me feeling jealous. We stopped chatting on the phone a week ago because she wanted to let things be and because she said that she didn't want me hurt more: but I do not sense her expression of apologies has an empathetic tone. I felt that I deserved an answer for her behaviour. However, like throughout our relationship she remained evasive. I just realised now that her  evasiveness is a manipulation to make me jealous to hold on to me as a friend with benefits, serving her life circumstances.

She texted me and said let things be. I felt strong in the latter week and then yesterday I re read her last single text line to me  "let things be" and immediately I felt negative about myself. I realised then that her behaviour was toxic as you've said in your reply. I needed to hear the same from another person to have the assurance that I'm not imagining it.

I've decided to have NC from m today forward and learned a lesson from this and move on. I was married to an exUBPD wife of 24 years and divorced 4 years ago. My lessons learned is that I didn't listen to early red flags and I convinced myself into an illusion that she is a normal woman.

My psychologist is empowering me to do this too.

It sounds painful.
You deserve better.

Life is too short to share it with people who make you feel so miserable.

I would advise you to write down 2 lists:
A) All the negative things about her and the relationship
B) All the positive things you can do without her in your life

It's very normal to feel a sense of relief and euphoria after leaving a toxic relationship.
But it's also very normal to experience self doubt and weakness in the aftermath. And to forget about the bad characteristics of our exs and highlight the good ones. This is when you will require these lists - for moments of weakness - especially if she tries to contact you again.


That's very normal. I was the same.
But I can tell you, that you will grow from this experience and become stronger and wiser.
You will be able to trust you own judgement.


We all did this, so there is no reason to feel negative about yourself. You went into the Relationship with good intentions.
We live, we learn.
There is nothing to be ashamed about, but it helps to educate ourselves on toxic behaviours, to cope with the pain & prevent it happening again in the future.

This is a very good article concerning No Contact, it's worth reading:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Did you experience an idealisation/devaluation cycle?

I'd recommend you also read this article on how a BPD relationship evolves if you've not done so:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves


I'm glad that you feel supported by your psychologist.
Don't forget that we've all been through this experience & We know how it is, so we're here for you too.

Do you keep a gratitude journal ?

Thanks for the advice. I've written an unsend letter hating every things she did to me. Felt amazingly good. I'm not going to post it.  The idea about writing down the good things I've not thought about. But I've thought about how great my life is with supportive friends, my adult children, work, church, gym, etc.

Mmmm the idea about idealisation to devaluation is an interesting one. When we first met on line she literally interviewed me for the position as her potential husband.  I passed with flying colours! We then met up and she gave me her address became an instant hit. I told her that it was odd that she gave me her address instead of meeting in a public place. She actually fell romantically in love with me on line! The devaluing started when we went away together shortly after. I didn't know the public transport at all where we went but she did. I let her take the lead role in getting us around. That's when she started devaluing me because she said I was not being a leader in the relationship.

From there most things I did she devalued and she detached from me emotionally. She criticised who I am. I told her to stop as it was not healthy in our relationship. She became evasive and often reminded me that she needs to "keep her mouth shut".

I've been writing regular diary entries. It feels good and it is helping me see how lucky I am that the relationship did not proceed further.

I read an anonymous quote that the present of suffering is preparing us for the future.

Interesting point is that just after we broken up she was going out with the guy she was pursuing when we were together, her ex husband became an unwelcome guest living in her house and than me on the background. Although she sounded distressed but I got the feeling at that time she was satisfied with all the attention. I'm not sure if this is my imagination because is so subjective.

Thanks for the links, they are very helpful.

Cheers