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Title: Would it have been any different? Post by: Sparky0426 on February 25, 2017, 09:54:19 PM As part of my healing process I have been reading a book suggested to me called "Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On With Life." I'm about half way through and this book has been very much insightful in regards to my own dysfunctional upbringing and how it has contributed to my behaviors. This book is really having a profound impact on me, as I am actively working on healing MYSELF and the broken parts of me that allowed myself to stay in an unhealthy situation for so long, as well as how I contributed to the problems. I fully accept responsibility for the role I played in this relationship. Although I do feel that I was treated in a very cruel and unfair manner, I am not going to blame him for everything; there were times I was at fault too. I have no intention of breaking NC or recycling the relationship, and this type of thinking may or may not be productive but... .
I can't help but think, if I knew then what I know now, would things have been any different? I did not learn about BPD/NPD or even realize the ex was afflicted with this illness until it was too late and the damage had already been done by both of us. I know that his behavior and all of the problems were not all my fault, but I feel that if I would have known or been aware of the illness, I could have altered my own behaviors and responses without further triggering his abandonment fears or going into 'persecutor' mode, which triggered his feelings of shame. I am aware that 'what-if' scenarios are not productive, but I just couldn't shake this thought. Has anyone else ever felt this way? That things may have turned out differently if you had the knowledge and awareness that you have now? That if you were informed back then, that your responses to arguments and their bad behavior could have led to a different outcome? I would love to hear your thoughts. Title: Re: Would it have been any different? Post by: Ragnar1982 on February 25, 2017, 10:00:50 PM Absolutely. I think of that all the time. Buttttt then I remind myself she was having an affair with me, but forgot to inform me.
Title: Re: Would it have been any different? Post by: Duped 1 on February 25, 2017, 10:13:35 PM I think it would have definitely been better and prolonged the rs but in the end I don't feel she will ever be able to have an intimate healthy rs with anyone.
Title: Re: Would it have been any different? Post by: roberto516 on February 26, 2017, 06:30:28 AM I dealt with this once before and thought I'd learned my lesson until I was swooped up by another one saw me vulnerable from a recent breakup. It's now been 2 and a half months aND I still reach out to her every other day like an idiot.
Anyway. Yes. After the week of me staying away I asked if she wanted to get together and she told me no. Then I did introspection and realized I was projecting and dealing with childhood insecurities. I tried to tell her all this and how it woukd be different but she didn't even humor giving me a second chance. But in reality. If I did then I would still be the caretaker and it would have kept her in more control of me. I'm just so mad that I feel like I wasted 15 months of my life. She didn't mean it. But you'd think going to therapy for over a decade would shed insight into damaging behaviors and not using people |