BPDFamily.com

Stepparents, I would be interested to hear what traumas your spouses /SO´s are still suffering from and how do you help?

Second question: are you always seing eye to eye on how to deal with BPDx`s and the children? And how do you deal with that?

Lying will absolutely trigger my SO.  His uBPDxw is habitually lied (and still does) and it has traumatized both him and their daughters. I'm not trying to get in a political discussion here but the political gaslighting that has been going on lately he has found very triggering, people at work saying they will do something then not doing it as promised is triggering for him etc... . 

How did he get to where he is?  The ex... .promised a financial donation to a camp she went to as a child when they had no money, promised a financial donation to their rabi when there was no money, borrowed money from friends and family without a way to pay it back, collected money from a group of their daughter's friend's parents for theater tickets and kept the money (had the local fraud news reporter calling the house... .my SO's parents bailed her out), bought "round trip" tickets to visit family out of state that were one way, lied about fake business deals, lies about buying a house even when being evicted (continues this lie today and regularly), lies about getting her (suspended) driver's licence back and buying a car (this lie is also a repeater), lies about having jobs (has not had a verifiable job in the 6+ years I've been in the picture), promises things to her children and never comes through on the promises... .the worst being: sent younger daughter to camp out of state only she wasn't at camp she was with the parents of a friend of hers, daughter was told not to tell dad where she was, daughter was flown there on a one way ticket, and camp hadn't been paid for the current year (or the year before!), and sent older daughter to a private liberal arts college with promises of a non-existent family trust paying for the tuition, school was not paid and daughter is now in debt to the tune of $15,000... .

Above are just some of the highlights of their 17 year marriage... .for years he's had to pick up the pieces following her repeated lies and false promises.

We are pretty much on the same page about the ex although he sometimes wants revenge and I would rather see him just disengage from her all together.  We are also pretty much on the same page with his kids... .I give my input and let him parent (this is also how we operate regarding my son he gives feedback and I parent), they are his kids and he know's them best.  I think he can sometimes be emotionally detached from them but it could probably be argued that I'm too involved with my son sometimes... .I think we just have a different style.  His daughters can be very emotionally needy... .not surprising when the entire family was in the role of meeting uBPDmom/ex's emotional needs and this does sometimes wear him out as well.  He has been taking some steps that give him a break from some of this lately.

Panda39

Whenever things are going well, my husband freaks out because that is when BPDexw used to destroy everything. She threw away eviction notices, stole money and nearly made him homeless.

I wouldn't call it trauma... .and I'm not going to blame her for his poor coping skills. :)

He doesn't handle situations well when he's under stress. On a good day, any conflict or issues are handled really well and he tends to not even tell me about it (which I love). When he's tired, stressed, or frustrated from outside sources (work, family, etc.) he does not handle the normal hiccups very well. I wish I could help him in that.

He tends to like to handle it RIGHT NOW. Where if he would just wait 24 hours, the situation would be calmer all the way around.

He's definitely gotten better.

Our marriage counselor helped 100% in that department.

As far as not seeing eye to eye on handling the ex and the kids in certain situations? Of course we don't sometimes.

I try to set boundaries with him rather then insist he do it with her --- because it never worked and he just ended up mad at me.

example: My bedroom is a place to focus on our marriage and marriages don't thrive when you're constantly complaining about your exes - so it's a no ex-spouse zone (I have kids and an ex too). That includes talking to them on the phone or discussing them with each other.  If he wants to go downstairs and talk to her at 9:00pm, that's up to him. Ever since we've implemented that boundary - it's been really great. He doesn't even call her back until he leaves for work and I love my sanctuary where no exes are allowed. :)

I also had to step way out of the loop and find my center when it came to his 17yo daughter and how he handled that situation - she wanted to live full time with mom, but wanted her dad to still financially support her "luxuries" (car, insurance, gas, etc.). I ended up unloading on her... .felt awful... .and had to regroup. My stepping aside helped a lot because it allowed him the room to figure out what he wanted to do and allowed me room to accept whatever he ultimately decided. Because it is his daughter and he gets to decide.

As a mom, I know I'm not perfect in how I handle my own kids. My oldest son is just a royal pain most of the time and I know it drives my husband crazy how I deal with him. When he gets on me about it, it just causes me to feel ashamed, defensive, and resentful. My mama bear comes out of hiding... .and I 100% don't listen... .and it becomes about my defending myself and him.

I try to empathize with that.

He's close. It's not perfect.

Neither am I.

So I make a really big effort to compartmentalize. All of it. His kids, my kids, his ex, my ex. Try not to compare. Be more accepting. Support him when I feel he's right and challenge him when I don't think he's right. Suggest the high road even when it really sucks. And do it in a way that validates how wonderful he is - but doesn't tear her down in the same moment. That never seems to help.  

And just focus on enjoying each other.

My DH definitely had PTSD following the marriage to his uNPD/BPD ex.  When we first moved in together, I needed some light bulbs when he made a store run; the bulbs didn't fit, and he panicked trying to get back in the car to exchange the bulbs.  Light bulbs! That was my first experience with the depth of panic she engendered in their interactions.

DH was depressed and had, at one time, some suicidal ideation ("everyone would be better off if I weren't here".  He has recovered, but it was very bad for a very long time.  Their official marriage lasted many years, although they didn't live together for a number of year prior to divorcing.  She was flagrantly unfaithful from early on in the marriage, and that continued throughout the entire marriage.  His son is almost certainly not his biological child.  :)H lost a military command because of the ex's behavior on post with her lover -- she would not believe it had been her behavior that caused the change in command until another officer's wife told her it was, indeed, the reason.  Several times, she refused to move with him to a new post -- while there was a level of relief in that, it also meant he did not see his children as often, and he knew what would be going on when he wasn't home.

She was arrested several times over the years due to violence with her boyfriends.  There was never any violence with DH - she viewed him in a parental way.

DH and I have been married now for 10 years.  His mental and emotional health has recovered.  The stress over the years has, however, resulted in some physical problems that are permanent -- he has high blood pressure, diverticulosis, high cholesterol, and Type II diabetes.  The high blood pressure and diverticulosis are both triggered by stress, as are outbreaks from the herpes that the Ex gave him.

All their children need therapy as adults.  None of them have a functional relationship.

We cross-posted there... .

So what I did was similar to DreamGirl -- no calls to the house by the ex, only calls to DH's cell phone (this was after The Great Breast Cancer Scare that turned out to be a cyst -- Wow, what drama), and we don't discuss the exes or the exes' problems with the children/grandchildren in our bedroom.  That gives us a safe place.

If I ask for things, DH will accuse me of wanting "control" over him and the relationship.

My DH also has a huge issue with lying. Particularly when one of the kids lies to him. SD14 looks like his ex and SS12 often exhibits the behaviors of his ex and I feel they both get less patience from him than they would if they weren't tied to her. He definitely still has PTSD from his marriage as the gaslighting, blaming him for her behaviors, lying, and emotional abuse were intense and ongoing for years.

I've completely let him off the hook about having to deal with her. The court order states that the parties are to communicate primarily through email. I write the emails. When they text every response is filtered through me. On the very rare occasion she tries to call the call is sent directly to voicemail. There is no co-parenting relationship, only parallel parenting. Kids are with us about 340 days of the year, so this works just fine for us though she is resentful of not being able to tell us how to raise "her" kids.

DH and I are on the same page because we are on my page. He trusts me completely because he was having no luck at all dealing with either her or the court system before I came along. Every change I have implemented from the beginning has helped him get what he wants and what the kid's need.

 I named myself "Nope" because it's what I said to him when he and I first started dating and (despite a court order) she wouldn't let him speak to the kids, but would call him to belittle him whenever it suited her. She called on a few occasions while we were on dates and he jumped to answer the phone to take her crap while I sat there for twenty minutes watching him listen to her and give in to her every unreasonable demand. I finally just said "Nope!" And that was the beginning of the end of her ruling the roost.

How much do you think this plays into it?

Seriously.

I have some significant control "quirks". I tend to enter a situation, and take the reigns and "handle" it. It works well when the outcome is good and everyone is praising my talents.  :)

His ex didn't really care for that. She didn't do a whole lot of applauding when I came on scene. I mean she preferred the way things were where she just did what she did (create fires) and he spent a significant amount of time doing what he did (putting said fires out).

I agree, we come from an outside perspective and are not part of the years in the wash... .rinse... .repeat... .cycle they were in.  (Still occasionally are  ) So we throw a monkey wrench in the proceedings particularly if we have good boundaries and can say "no" without flinching. Now that doesn't mean we can't bring our own issues to the table too.  *)

Panda39

DreamGirl I hear you. I am a fighter and a fixer/ planer/ organiser. It is part of my work and therefore it is hard for me to turn off.

The biggest thing that we struggle with is that my DH has "learned" over the years to just run away from conflict or just put his head in the sand and try to avoid problems. In other words he is an expert in walking on eggshells.
It does not work well for me. I like to takle things right away and get them done. Some things are time sensitive and can't wait. Mostly of course things that have to do with BPDxw and my stepsons.
We have not found a good way yet for me to not push him to jump into action but also for him not to put his head in the sand and pretend there is nothing wrong and just continue to be pushed around by her.

Nope, just like you I would love to just take over all communication with the BPD for my DH but there are reasons why we chose not to do so (mainly because she would know immediately that those are not my DH writings but mine).

Another big trauma that I still see in my DH is that it has been ingrained in him so deeply that he is useless as a father and that he knows nothing about his children. Whenever BPDxw throws something like that in his face he still believes her. Therefore he does not see the value that he has for his children. And when he talks to caretakers, teachers etc he always throws in something like: well, the little I know about my children... .etc. It makes me sad because he knows a lot about his children and intuitively knows them much better than I ever could. He just does not see it that way.

I wonder if this is the same as what my SO does. My T says he is "allergic to feelings." He's super warm, generous, thoughtful, kind. He's even romantic  :) But if there is a hint of strong emotion brewing, he starts winching and battening things down tight.

They attack where they know will hurt the most.  SMH
I still remind my husband constantly what an amazing father he is and that he does not need to defend himself.  Just because she says it out loud doesn't make it true, we know better... .

He used to get so mad and start attacking her back, putting her down.  I would tell him, wait wait... .would you argue with someone on the street telling you how the sky is green?  No you wouldn't right?  because you KNOW it isn't true, no point in even arguing. It took some time but now he is pretty good at just disregarding the negative things she says... .

I also noticed that he would get nervous or uptight about very small situations like plans changing.  Luckily, I'm pretty easy going and would say, "it's ok babe, no big deal... .we can do this instead" it calmed him down almost right away and he would just hug me and tell me I'm so good to him.  Poor thing, I was just treating him with the same human descency I would anyone I loved.

Bunny

Bunny

That was also something I saw in my DH. The bar for how he expected to be treated was frighteningly low. When we first got together, if something went wrong while we were out together he would get upset and then be grumpy for hours about it no matter how small it was. I finally said to him, "Ok, not everything went perfect, but does it have to ruin our whole day?" He looked at me stunned as if he couldn't even fathom that a day could be recovered after a hiccup. But once it became clear to him that I didn't write whole days off as a total loss he quickly became comfortable not doing so either. He was just so used to a partner with black and white thinking where that a day was either perfect or totally ruined.

Mine has another version of this, where sometimes there will be this surge of anxiety from him and he'll seem a bit frenetic, and I'm like, Are you about to perform in front of a crowd of thousands or something? Because other than that, what's at stake here?

He still tries to make things perfect so no one can be mad at him

My SO also had to stop believing he was a bad dad.  I feel it was a lot of projection from the ex. but she was also alienating the kids so their behaviors reinforced what she was saying. Once he stopped buying into that falsehood he was much stronger when dealing with both the ex and his daughters. The ironic thing was his uBPDxw that was trying to make him continue to believe he was a bad dad was actually helping him figure out he was a good dad by her behaviors... .making promises she couldn't keep, not sending the older daughter to school, not getting dental care for the younger daughter and getting evicted all helped him see who had parenting issues.

By then he had an awesome girlfriend that would validate him too!  :)

There were a couple of things I noticed when we first started dating that I think were also effects of his marriage.  My SO was a huge explainer (what I now know is part of JADE) it used to drive me nuts that he would go into these long rational explanations with his kids when all he needed to do was say "no"... .probably more insecurity about being the bad dad. 

The other thing my son actually noticed was my SO used to always ask me if I was okay... .always taking my emotional temperature, definitely a side effect of being married to someone emotionally unpredictable for 17 years.

DH (and his son) get very worried if I am quiet or go into the bedroom without announcing my departure. DH says they presume I am mad - his ex would go to the bedroom when she was mad, and they were never sure if she would explode later.

DH avoids conflict and will often look the other way rather than deal with problems. When I met him he was much worse at this, letting his ex make lots of decisions that impacted him (and me) because he didn't want to upset her.

DH and I are mostly on the same page when it comes to his sons. The biggest issue has probably his reluctance to apply consequences. His guilt ruled how he handled issues with the kids. It applies today because we still have SS22 (with special needs) living with us. I tend to point out the issues that keep showing up over and over. Sometimes I have to just meditate or find ways to let things go. These are his children and most of their issues were present long before I arrived and I can't do much about them.