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I have removed myself from the day to day mayhem of my relationship. I am becoming closer to old friends and family, and most important my old self. I feel more patient and kind to strangers and with my own thoughts. I have yet to tell my girlfriend/fiancée that I want out... .I have to first convince myself (even though my heart knows what I should do) especially reading all of the struggles of the posts on this site that remind me so much of my own experience. Then once I convince myself that this what I should do, I have to tell her. I am having difficulty ending it for good. I will have to either move in with her and her mom in about two months, or tell her (and my habitual thoughts of us being together) that it is over. We became quite codependent on each other and I feel like she is both my best friend but lately more like she is my enemy. I just feel tense at the thought of talking/arguing with her about whatever issue is the current one. I used to be called names, and I haven't been called anything negative in the past two weeks, it's wonderful and I don't know why I would go back to the abuse except for old habits or I really can't figure out why I would, but it seems too hard to end it fully... .any thoughts would help. Thanks

There's no good time. It's hard and painful. Have you tried couples' counseling?  I wish we had. I suggested it after a breakup and she said no.

I don't think she would go to counseling. If I choose to be with myself again, I have to stop thinking about what she will or won't do, it's my only chance to move on. She is classic BPD in the sense that she only infrequently realizes the impact she has on me, and therefore does not see counseling as a way to move forward.

Sounds like we are with similar women. It took me two breakups and repeated behavior to make the move. I was hung up on fear of making a mistake because I truly love her; she says I can't if I'm leaving. I also put a lot of effort into the relationship so I didn't want to give up. But I was emotionally wiped out. I talked myself through and there was a blow up and I simply had enough. Be patient and kind to yourself. You've been through a lot and are probably feeling beat up.  As goofy as it sounds sometimes... .you aren't responsible for her happiness and you were meant to be happy.

Thanks for the support, one of the main things that goes through my head is that there won't ever be someone that loves me or I love as much as her... .but at the cost of losing a connection with myself. The old me wouldn't hesitate to pick myself. After the current relationship I just can't quite pick me yet. I'm giving it my best shot here. Thanks for your reminders

I understand that feeling completely. I'm there now. I bought a ring and wanted to spend my life with her. I felt as if she understood me more than anyone. She just wouldn't let me understand her. I'm scared about the future but I'm not feeling the stress of a BPD partner.

Hey nicholas, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored mine and it led to a lot of pain and hardship.  Like you, I knew something was wrong before I married my BPDxW, yet I lacked the courage to end the r/s.  The price was high, believe me, for that mistake.  I don't recommend that you follow in my footsteps.

There's no good time to end it.  Sometimes you just have to pull the band-aid off even though it will hurt.


Rest assured, there are plenty of kind and considerate women out there who will treat you well in a loving r/s.  No, you don't need to subject yourself to more abuse.  You already know how much more peaceful it is to be out of the line of fire.  I don't miss the drama, believe me.

Sometimes the right thing to do in life is the hard thing.

LuckyJim

Thanks guys I've read your posts a couple times, and it helps me stay positive and focused.