BPDFamily.com

Hi all. I have gained so much insight and guidance from being on this that I had to reach out today. I feel so conflicted, anxious and lost. I have been posting like crazy today and feel I'm just at the end of my rope. Nothing happened. that's the thing. It is the anticipation of telling my bfwBPD that I would like to go away for 4 days with one of my dearest friends who lives out of state. I had gone away with her 8 years ago while still married to my ex (unhappily) and I had a one night stand. I regret it, it was stupid and I totally own that I behaved inappropriately. I confided that to my bf when we first got together as I trusted him with all my deepest darkest secrets. Well now, of course, he feels I should not be away with her because she stood by and watched me misbehave. She is not trustworthy. Now I am aware enough to know that it is ME he doesn't trust, he just won't say so. So-thus the stress. I am tired of turning down travel with ANYONE-my sister, daughter-because he always says HE wants to have those experiences with me. For heaven's sake we didn't talk for a week and he tortured me after I saw U2 a second time with my sister during their tour. I had gone with him earlier in the week and he felt our memory of it was SO SPECIAL that I was being disrespectful by going again. Ridiculous! I have always been the type who enjoys multiple shows. I know I am going on and on, it's just I can't seem to get off of this rollercoaster. I am now so stressed over even mentioning that I want to hang with my 24-year old daughter, as my bf feels we should always be together and I am stealing time from him for someone who doesn't like him. She sees how he dysregulates and won't tolerate him in her life. I am happy I raised a daughter with boundaries, now can I please learn to set some and stay true to them for MYSELF?
 

 
 
 

It's completly Ok to feel as you do. This might be a good time to set up some boundries?

I meen i live just like you do with always saying no to fun stuff cause i know i will get a living hell talking to her about it. But is it one single thing i learnt from this site (not been here for long :D) it's that you have to live YOUR life and not his.

Do fun stuff, have a great time and enjoy. Do you know why? Cause you are freeeeaking worth it!

I've decided that at least i will make a change in my life and for once put myself in the driverseat and let her know that the chair beside me is open, then the rest is up to her.

Thank you--it is true that it is time for me to live MY life. I gain more courage little by little, but today I am feeling so vulnerable and anxious. It feels good to know I'm not the only one who deals with this. The funny thing is that I know I am worth it but I guess just not strong enough to act upon it. Do you just make that leap, do what you want, listen to the verbal eruption, and then go NC? do you say you are going NC? I am absolutely horrible setting boundaries as I have always been a people pleaser. It seems so unreal to me

I'm basically the same as you. Right now i'm weak, having this stone in My stomach just feel like i wanna through up as soon as i see her name on the screen when at work. Anxious in which mode she Will in be when i get home.
So right now i haven't been able to keep My boundries but i have decided that this is it!
No more!
No matter what it takes, divorce or not i Will get My life and My old self back.
My biggest issue is that NC won't work since we have two kids. This is what makes everything very tricky and it mean that i have to plan and calculate this very careful because i'm not sure how far she will go to get to me.

But we both can do it, i know that cause if i can pick myself back up after 12 years with this woman, then anyone can do it!

Good luck!   

It isn't your friend's job to be your chaperone, and keep you on the straight and narrow... .which is what your bf says she failed at; that is my assumption... .and based on that, your bf is being controlling and isolating you from everybody in your life.

Did this friend help you get into this one-night stand or push you into the one-night stand, or was it a threesome involving this friend, etc?

If something like that was true, I think your bf might have a point that she is a bad influence... .and my advice would be different than what I'm saying now... .

---

Here's another way to look at it this question.

Going off and doing fun things with friends and family is something you do (or want to do or use to do). That is the person you are.

You are done shutting that down because your bf objects to it.

Instead, be proud of who you are. If he wants to be with YOU, he has to get to know who you really are, what you really want, and see if that is right for him.

If he cannot handle you doing things like this... .then he should accept that you aren't the right person for you and that splitting up is the right thing to do because the two of you aren't compatible--he wants to keep you locked up all the time, and you aren't a person who can thrive that way.

I'd suggest you worry about how you want to live your life... .and trust that this will sort itself out. If you or he decides it is time to split, you can worry about whether to go NC at that time or not... .you don't need to solve that problem now.

I would suggest that you be clear that when you visit your friend, you expect him to be respectful of your time, when it comes to calls, texts, etc. I've read plenty of stories of people whose pwBPD called and texted constantly, in a way that mostly shut down the enjoyment of a trip like that. (Perhaps telling him that he needs to trust you some if he's going to be in a relationship with you. It is his choice to trust or not.)

@allnightlong--thank you for the words of support. I know I can do this... I really need my old self back... I actually liked her better than this cowardly version of me.

@grey kitty--My friend didn't push me into anything. It was my poor decision and she went on her way. No judging. My bf is very controlling and is isolating me from everyone. Even my kids! I guess I was so excited and caught up in the honeymoon stage that I DID let him believe I would give up that part of myself for him.
I really went all in- I was so thrilled, then I had so many life changing events happen that I leaned on him tremendously. So now I am back to being strong(er) and he can't see why I am "pulling away". I totally understand his feelings, yet as a pwBPD, he can't seem to make the adjustment to the fact that I am more independent than I presented in the first few months of our r/s. But you are right, he needs to know the true me and if I'm not for him, then on we go. I can NOT be locked up all the time, and stressed to this level about "asking" for time to see my kids alone, and spend time away with friends.

Hey allie, Right, isolation is unhealthy and it's important for you to keep your connections to friends and family.  Without them, you can lose all perspective, which is what happened to me in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Don't let this happen to you!  As GK suggests, you might want to let your BF know that seeing your friend is important to you.  Beyond that, suggest you visit your friend and let the chips fall.  Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!

LuckyJim

 |iiii  You go, girl!

BTW, try to give your bf as much space as you can to do the "right" thing.

Yes, tell him that this friend is important to you and you will see her.

Don't be surprised if he is upset, and be prepared to enforce boundaries if he dysregulates at you.

Still, go in with the hope/expectation that he can do the right thing, and accept you for who you are, and trust you. Somehow or other, people often live up to your expectations for them--set good ones, not bad ones. I don't know quite how the universe makes this happen, but it does.

This "best case version" will probably be that he will make a lot of noise and fuss when you won't back down... .but after fussing, after the trip, go back to being in a relationship with you without actually doing anything all too awful. [Remember, he does have BPD still!]

Agree w/GK.  When he senses your resolve, he will likely do a lot of huffing and puffing but nothing much will happen.  But you have to be steadfast in your resolve or he will sense weakness and try to break you down (he might do this anyway).  Think of yourself as a rock.  When he hits rock, he will back down, I predict.

LJ

The funny thing is, in the midst of all of his ranting and raving, he says he'll always end up doing the right thing. There have been times when I told him I was going somewhere or doing something, and he was calm, and led me to believe he was doing the right thing-that being "let me" go/do something. Then just as I am about to do it or go, he starts in. A storm erupts, ruining whatever it was I had planned. So now I don't trust that he WONT give me a hard time. That has led to anxiety whenever I know I have to tell him something he won't want to hear. It literally shuts me down with fear.

The anxiety is tough... .but the best thing you can do is push through it.

Be prepared for him to blow up and give you a hard time whenever you do something independent like this. Up 'till you are driving away. Naw, it could go past that, he can blow up your phone when you hit the road.

Be prepared to power through, not let it stop you, do what you intended to do, enjoy your time with people, and turn off your phone or block/mute him so you aren't engaged in the crap he's throwing.

If you are consistent about this, he should eventually give up, 'cuz he doesn't get a payoff by throwing this kind of fit.

Good advice. I have always been afraid of doing this. It gives me a sense of fear that we WILL break up, as I do want to understand his issues and work with him. Unfortunately , as seen in all my posts here, it looks pretty bleak as I am continuously being painted black and having my mind messed with. He suggested we go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate better.