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Hi--it's been a while, I guess! Anyway, what have you all noticed about how the disease responds to the hormonal changes in menopause? One of my pwBPD is a 49-year old female with anorexia. The anorexia has all the symptoms of menopause, so it's hard to know if she is peri-menopausal/menopausal, but how will this change affect her BPD. Thanks!

While my xW displayed BPD traits and behaviors (not that I recognized them... .) since the beginning, once she hit her early 40s and clear physical changes began the SHTF in a huge way. 

Knowing nothing of BPD, I initially thought her dramatic personality change was due totally to peri-menopause, if not a brain tumor.  I initially spoke to her OB/GYN for understanding, his attempt to have her come in (hadn't been there in 5 years) was met with failure.  I spent my time on boards like PowerSurge - trying to understand about hormonal changes. 

But in speaking to friends, women of-a-certain-age, who had known her for a decade or more, they assured me that there was more to it than menopause.  When I stumbled on BPD (2010) when trying to understand "cutting off friends", which led to black and white thinking, which led to Splitting - then I understood. And I understood not just what affected xW, but also the two prior generations of her family.  And those effects had not been transitory, but were forever.

So - in my experience and observations, menopause (and other times of hormonal change) did not cause anything, but did serve as a terrible, terrible catalyst to worsening symptoms and behavior.  And we never recovered from it. And never will.  What a shame.

Thank you for this.
I know of another woman whose illness got a lot better at menopause, but you always hear about the negative side of hormonal events.
Do you mean changes in appearance? Health?
I'm sorry you've been through so much.

Well as you know (and women experience), memopause have tremendous influences on the body AND emotional wellbeing of women. Mild or more severe, they ‘get it on their nerves’ and it isn’t pleasant for the woman, nor their family.
But a some yrs. before reaching that memopause, hormones already start to change, the peri memopause
Add this with the inner turmoil of BPD and you might expect an outcome which is way beyond pleasant.

Mentioned more than once on this board (and in my former local support group) that during midlife they end very suddenly (outbursts) long term relatively stable relationships (which was in my case, although many flaws/outburst, etc.).
It is even my very strong believe, after reading many stories and literature that high conflict divorces during midlife (40 – 55) are caused by a partner that are out of control, maybe better are fully exhibiting many traits of Cluster B.

So yes I can relate.
After D was born all went down already, but seemed in a way ‘dormant’.
Exw reaching her 40’s it started with real outbursts, real B/W thinking, etc. However at that time also exw stopped, after many years, with ‘the pill’. In my mind it was logical that her body had to adjust,  and once having normal hormonal levels again, everything would be fine again.
Wishful thinking, wishful hopes… real severe outbursts about every 3 – 5 months.

About prior generations… Well seems it suns in families. Research found genetic and brain differences.
Relate to that too. Exw’s mother showed traits, exw’s grandmother and exw’s daughter. All high in the spectrum, all well appreciated in society but behind doors to their loved ones it is different.

OK, thank you. It seems to me that her BPD has gone sub-threshhold, but it's good to know to be on the lookout for symptoms that may externalize again so I'm not caught off guard by one of the things you mentioned.
I get that the potential (peri)menopause may catalyze symptoms rather than cause new ones via the direct action of hormones.

.

I recall (perhaps incorrectly) that for many people strong BPD behaviors subside once the person hits mid-fourties.  I think I might have read that in "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."

I am skeptical of that observation.  But I agree that it might appear that the person was "cured" of BPD by the mid fourties - but, I believe it is because at that age, anyone still around the pwBPD has been so beaten down, manipulated, or, skilled in coexisting in peace with their pwBPD, that the symptoms appear cured.  This would possibly counter-balance menopause timing and symptoms, and complicate any prediction of what to expect.

I had been skeptical of recovery, but still wondered, because my uBPDw has acted better the last few years (early 40's).  I really think it is due to the fact that I have learned so many skills that it makes everyone better and happier.  I have been watching and wondering what menopause would bring.  Because to hold on for yet more years of abuse (this time due to menopause coupled with innate BPD) is intolerable to me.

In this case she has been recovered or in strong recovery for real. LOL. I have the distance and clarity to know, plus a current dx. But I fear a resurgence, even though supposedly they usually don't go full-syndrome anymore--both due to the lack of energy and greater insight that comes with age--and their having recovered or nearly recovered IF in fact they have.

This is a worry for me, too.  My wife gets crazy the week or so before her period.  Really, really bad.   So I'm apprehensive about what the menopause might bring (she's early 40s now).  Part of me hopes it will end her PMT raging, and things will get better.  The rest of me knows better, though... .

This is giving me flashbacks to when I thought life with a woman just meant PMS.  I wrote off so much psychotic behavior as PMS  - and the fact they can normalize it, and then act normal later makes it very confusing.  I do remember knowing when to just be invisible for a few weeks at a time to avoid damage.

Stay that sceptical 
It doesn’t subside. Experienced it and numerous stories on this board back it up.

Besides that, literature and research are based on result of patients that were treated .
That is the controlling group for the outcome, the evidence.

Persons who show many traits (many of the ones we talk about on this board) are not seeing a T or P, refusing to see a T or P.
These persons are totally unknown by the medical world, so not diagnosed, so not monitored, so nowhere in any statistics.

A disorder is not an illness, it can’t be cured, it can be controlled after learned skills how to control it.
 
A few yrs before that break up, I learned about Cluster B, reading and learning skills like SET / JADE  / DEARMAN, special how to listen to what was not said. Outbursts minimized again.

As you mentioned.
Give yourself credit for learning all these skills resulting in more stability and happiness in your family.
 You, you was the one that wanted it to work, as the partner is emotional immature.
 

I was going to say wait, that's not always true, but I have bipolar disorder and no one has ever said I'm going to recover, so why should a pwBPD be expected to recover, right? That being said, she's never been abusive except toward herself, although she has lied and did admit to cheating on an ex, so I guess in that respect, yes, she has been abusive--but I've seen 0 externalizing symptoms lately, regardless of what I have or haven't done--so why not validate that, right? She has been in tx, but just regular talk therapy--no DBT except for a few weeks as an inpatient for the anorexia, so maybe that's why. Either way, we laugh things off a lot more now and don't trigger each other like we did before we took a break for 1.5 years. We've had maybe 3-4 arguments since we've been back together over the last year (we both were at fault and the "fights" were easily resolved) but I want to avoid a relapse.

Violettine

Sorry to hear you have bipolar.
All the more credit I give you to be in the r/s you are in   

As far as I saw it from nearby (old colleague) for several years, it is heavy. He is/was a very nice guy, a friend. Sadly working days were sometimes so heavy for him that we as colleagues pulled him from his desk and accompanied him to have a walk for a 15 min. or so.

You know Cluster B is a spectrum disorder, your partner internalize, not acting out to you.
Further it is amazing for me that your friend recognizes, even admits faults.
For a non emotional issues (like forgetting to call some one) exw could, but for emotional issues (in her mind exw couldn’t.

It is good to hear a story on the board that progress have been made in a r/s!
And that even the power of a laugh helps which reduces so much tension.

 You know, laughing together makes the brain produce serotonin, the ‘feeling good/happiness’ hormone. |iiii

Thank you; yes, bipolar is hard and I'm sorry for your friend, too. Good thing he had you and other nice colleagues to help.
Yes, when she was younger she couldn't see her part in any drama, and just felt victimized. Now the light has dawned and she's much more insightful and mature. She has forgiven her parents and isn't caught up in black/white thinking. But she has always been sensitive to hormonal changes and, while she'd never admit it, is scared of aging and losing her looks. One thing could help restore her looks and she knows it--eating. But she simply can't bring herself to eat enough to gain weight. Anorexia is like an OCD or a phobia, as well as an addiction and a disease of control.