BPDFamily.com

Hello.

I've sort of been waiting (not hoping!) for something like this to turn up.
For you who don't know my story: I was in a relationship for around 15 months with a highly emotionally unstable woman. History of depression, self harm (no cutting), jumping from one workplace to the next, quitting university etc. She abused me verbally and emotionally, and once physically as well (one of the most frightening things I've been through). Huge breakdown in September, and from then on the r/s deteriorated. I was bleakly discarded in November and we've not had any contact since before Christmas.

Coming home from work this Wednesday I found an envelope on the doormat. Recognising the handwriting immediately I took a while before opening it. Three photographs. No note included - nothing! These photos were taken by her last autumn and winter. Nothing special really, me having a coffee on her veranda, me and a friend performing a song at my birthday party... etc. No photos of us together. It's like she's cut me out from it all.

I'm trying to live my life and getting strong again. This of course made me quite sad and a little uneasy. I can't think of any reason for her sending me these pictures. She could've thrown them in the bin instead. This passive aggressiveness is so typical of her.

I think this was disrespectful of her. Like a friend said, everyone knows what photos can do to you... I haven't written her. There's no reasoning with this lady.
I wonder though if she wants response... there's nothing to thank her for. I mean... three blurry photographs, come on... :-(

yes she wants a response. You don't drive out of your way to drop 3 random photos off if you don't. Problem is they flip what they want from on minute to the next so by the time she drove off her mind may have changed.

"I wonder if SHE wants a response"

Who knows, but she certainly had a reason to do it and expectations, not that you can really know what they are... .

... .wrong question... .for you, that is. Make it about yourself, not about her.

What do you want from her / with her?

Civil acquaintances?

Friendship?

Recycle?

Her falling of the edge of the world, never to contact you or disturb you again?

enlighten me,

I am not sure she expects a response. To me this means "look, I've cut you out of my timeline and you can do what you wish with that". I don't need that information from her, it's useless. Thing is she sent them by post, not herself manually inserting this crap in my letterbox, which would have made me VERY uneasy, what with her former talk of arson etc! Nonetheless, she took the time to put them in an envelope. I sense anger and bitterness.

I will not respond to this. I couldn't take the blame and her feelings of entitlement and justification. And hearing of how she is doing, good or bad, would probably hurt me.

Grey Kitty,

No. It could never work. Too much baggage.

No. It could never work. Too much baggage.

No (I'd rather jump into a barrel of funnel web spiders from Mars).

Falling off or not, never to disturb me again: yes. But what can I do to prevent her from breaking in like this? A letter box is highly physical, there's no spam detector. I now worry she'll do more of this stuff. She has shown herself to be limitless.

Why don't you take them out into the garden, set fire to them and send them where they belong? To a rousing chorus of "Fire, I bid you to burn" Bit of symbolism, up in smoke, then go back in and forget them, carry on with your excellent progress. You don't need her and you don't need them. If you respond in anyway visible to her she will carry on. If you don't respond to her she may well try again, but eventually no response should win out, they hate knowing they don't matter but will get bored of being ignored eventually.
Love from
Sadly x

She's shown herself to be limitless in the past, but you have your own limits.

These pictures are only "dangerous" in that it makes you think about her. You can throw them out, ritually burn them, or stick them on the fridge. It doesn't really matter.

If she crosses a line and does do something truly dangerous, or threatens something dangerous (like arson!), that is what restraining orders and police are for. Deal with that appropriately if it happens.

This may sound a bit odd but she cant affect you if you don't let her no matter what she does.

Its all down to you as to how her behaviour affects you. In the beginning I was easily triggered but now if my exgf turned up on my doorstep I wouldn't bat an eyelid. That's because Ive finally got those emotions under control. It takes time to get them out of your system but when you do its liberating.

Hi Keef,

Hm, that kind of behavior would really bother me, too. It is physical and would make me feel uncomfortable.

In my relationship, pwBPD contacted me indirectly a few times and I didn't respond. Firstly, because I had asked him not to, and secondly because the communications were not direct (e.g. email, letter, phone call) and didn't ask for a response. Much later, he contacted me by email, and I responded and felt good about our exchange.

I don't think this event requires a response. What do you think?

How are you feeling about it today?

heartandwhole

  heartandwhole.

Well, I showed the pics to my t yesterday. I felt angry telling him about the incident, I do not want her to contact me like this. It is out of order and crossing a line. I haven't slept more than 3 hrs tonight. I feel bad about her doing this, I can feel her darkness like a black cloud. It's bothering.

I wish her the best, I do. I will not heal faster if I start resenting her or wish her harm etc. I'm past those feelings. But - I have no time for her darkness nevertheless. Her soul is a badly wounded roe lost in a winter forest at night. I just hope she isn't planning to hurt herself or worse.

This just feels eerie. Like you said, it's physical, sending photos. But I am sticking to NC.

Thankyou Sadly. I actually discussed with my t doing something ritualistic with this. He brought it up as a suggestion. Maybe I will.

Right. I have to get this off my chest.

I have two options. I don't know what's best:

 |---> Writing her a short notice, telling her not to contact me in any way shape or form
 |---> Leaving it be

Like I said, and as you know, they often return. Am I really supposed to wait for her next eventual move? I mean, even if I just keep on doing what I'm doing, going around my business, there's the possibility she'll make contact in whichever way. >It is disturbing my healing<

I think this is OUT of ORDER and I would like to let her know this. At the same time, I do not want to let her know what I think.

What would you do, from your own experiences? Remember this girl assaulted me and a month later told me she'd even contemplated arson following the assault. True or not that she really had these plans, it's frightening enough.

I'm, mildly put, angry again.
She's *this* close to getting a psychopath diagnosis from her ex layman psychologist, meaning me.

Hey Keef,

Sorry to hear she's disturbing your healing process. I suggest you let it be. Hopefully she will leave you alone when you don't take the bait. Otherwise just continue living your life and rebuilding. I tense up every time I come into my apartment building waiting for her to be there. No point in preparing for something that may never happen. Only preparation is to make a quick retreat when you see her! Contacting her will just start the recycling process, whether you like it or not.

That's my two cents.

Do not break NC. It is your shield, your defense. Do not throw it away for a reaction which she is looking for.

I agree, fight your anger, deal with that, not her. Don't let her win, you are doing so well.
Love from
Sadly xx

Keef,

Let's be real for a second. This is a clear cut attempt to recycle you. She's playing on some emotional cord that she's been able to either play upon in the past or is trying for anew. It's that simple. Do not allow your cuurent feeling for her to cloud or overrule your stronger sense now for self preservation. It's hard I know. I've been through it myself. One way to think about it, as I did myself is, if you respond, then that same horrible cycle you've obviously had with this person in the past will simply begin again. I did NC several times and gave in on the NC a fa times, then one day, I decided, I never wanted that cycle to happen anymore. And after realizing things between us would always go in that cycle, I decided, "never again." I endued 3 mos. of very similar kinds of events (e.g. angry phone messages, pictues sent to my house, crying phone messages, smear campaign, etc.). I stuck to my guns for NC and eventually one day it stopped. When I realized it had stopped, sure I was sad about it, but glad too. I had very mixed emotions. On one hand, due to our cycle, which was always a battle of control between us, I felt empowered and superior finally, in control. On the other hand, I felt like, "Oh crap, I've lost her" and not sure how to move forward with out that crazy toxic cycle we shared. And, as if I'd lost a lot of time and of my emotional investment in some one.I suspect you're hearing a lot of those same thought right about now too.

This person will eventually move on and who knows may find what will appear to be happiness, if you care enough to care to find out. The bottom line is, you're in the midst of learning how to let go of a toxic relationship. You may make a mistake here or there. It's okay. You may even break NC. But something deep inside of you has already told you, for whatever reason, that this other person is not right for you to be around anymore. That doesn't mean your emotions (not feelings, which tend to be more immediate) have to die, they just have to be weighed in perspective of the termoil you felt and experienced with this person. And as it appears, you're already on that journey without her now. Good Luck!

Enlighten me, Grey Kitty, Sadly, Heartandwhole, marti644, UnforgivenII, Happy1:

Thank you so much for helping me keep my feet on the ground.
I feel ok now. I try to not go down too far on memory lane. She hasn't tried to reach me since I received the photos. I hope that she is able to move on in a healthier way.


Keef

I would say that this is attract attention. Negative way. She invites you for the "BPD dance". She knows that you still have feelings to her. Obviously you still do , because you published this message here. You don't know what to do. What do you want? First of all make decision for yourself. Once you know what you want, she stops attract your attention.

Thanks kentavr3. I have no second thoughts about not contacting her. It's out of the question, since as you say, this is an invite to join that twisted dance once more  red-flag
I am not sure about what feelings I have, but am afraid to get sucked in again. Hence NC. Boundary protection.

I can say for myself. Even I don't want to deal with exBPDw ( I went through restraining order, cheating and etc), her negative attention to me gives me a pleasure. I'm codependent. Before I reply her ( we have daughter of 10), I wait 24 hours to decrease a value. Also, in some cases I work on e-mails with my therapist or a "sponsor" from the support group. Also, I give  her e-mail to the therapist to read, just to supervise me.  For the year of doing this, the "heat" of e-mails went down. My replies and reactions got bored. Her urgency went down. But , all BPDs are good physiologists. She probably knows that it still touches me because of my tendency to drama.