BPDFamily.com

Hello, I'm new here.  But not new to family friction caused by son and his wife.  They have been married for 6 years and have two children.  They live with the wife's mother whose husband passed away 2 years ago.  Needless to say, the mother and daughter are very close.  I am not vexed by this aspect, I myself was very close with my mother,  but we didn't live together and controlled our own family, finances,  etc. 
In a short 6 months, my son was engaged, the wedding plans off and running, all while the husband/father was succumbing to lung cancer.  By the time he passed, they were married, moved in and pregnant with their first child.
Our family all lives within a 15 minute drive of each other, and we're close to each other in many ways.  Our three sons and myself and husband have always been honest, supportive and loyal to our family.  Enter the daughter in law.  At once, my son seemed to be consumed by her family and friends, all the while she ingratitude herself with his colleagues and friends.   I tried to slow my son down a bit before the engagement as I felt things were moving very swiftly for all, especially him, given his past history in dating.  His brothers were supportive, but cautious as well.
She flipped and accused me of trying to break them up.  I truly wasn't, my son was acting and saying things totally unlike himself.  It seemed to all of us that he had become someone else overniget.
Now, six years later, all having tried to maintain our relationships,  we are finally tired of the charades necessary to keep peace in the family.  Because of her gossip and need for constant drama, we have all become tired and frust rated with her histrionics and myself, my husband, my other two sons and their families have started to avoid family functions.
This, of course, is quite upsetting to the family dynamic and heartbreaking for myself and husband.  We are even contemplating moving in the near future to escape the tension and constant drama.  We would be sacrificing the good relationships with our other children, spouses and grandchildren.   Heartbreaking.
Your thoughts?

Welcome Whenpigsfly:     
I like your alias.  You need to get an icon of a flying pig, .

I'm sorry about the situation with your son and DIL.  It seems to be a common story.  Is your son codependent?  What many times happens is that the son wants to please his wife at all costs.  Sometime, the son is influenced by his wife idealizing him.  In other cases, the son might be fearful of making his wife angry, so he gives her whatever she wants.  In many cases, the MIL is seen as a threat to the DIL and the MIL is painted black.


I think you will regret moving away, if that means rarely seeing your other two sons, their spouses and grandchildren.  The thing to do is to set and enforce boundaries and use specific communication skills to make things better for you and other family members.  Using strategic communication skills can help eliminate the drama.  You can't change her, but you can change the way you interact with her and the way you react to her.

What are some of the dramas you are dealing with?  If you are willing to share some examples, we can perhaps give you some suggestions.

You might want to start reading about BOUNDARIES.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)  They are for your benefit and will be up to you and your husband to enforce consistently.  Click on the green word and learn about boundaries.  What might be some boundaries you might want to set?


We look forward to hearing more of your story.