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Sometimes I just wish I was dead, not because I want to leave you, but because I can't take the pain and pressure.

It's all my fault, or so I have been programmed to believe, her illnesses, phyisical and mental, are my responsibility. If I can't cure her, then I'm a bad person.

I am constantly bombarded with her problems, but any suggestions I make to help her are dismissed.

I feel inadequate most of the time, I'm always anxious and on the verge of a panic attack.

I wish she would die, then I feel so guilty for thinking this. I just want to be free, to live my life like other adults do. I have always had to explain and justify my movements and choices, I get anxious if I'm going to do something with my husband or just take some time for myself.

I am sickened by her disrespect of my boundaries, I have to watch her take a ___, look at her piss to see what colour it is, check her vagina and arsehole to make sure there isn't a problem, she tells me stuff which a mum shouldn't share with a daughter. I have to check her throat, mouth, gums, tongue with a torch every time I visit. I tell her it looks ok, but she argues with me that it doesn't. Why ask me then!

I constantly feel insecure and inadequate, I try to function as a normal person, but I don't know what feeling normal is. I am always feeling guilty, wrong, bad, responsible for her misery, scared to admit how I feel.

The only person who makes me feel normal and properly loved is my husband, he is genuinely a good guy and would do anything to make me happy. I feel so bad that I can't be the best wife to him because I have such emotional problems. I feel like a failure and I try to make up for it by cooking good meals.

I hate myself, I feel ugly and I close my eyes when I pass the full length mirror at work. I know I am less than everyone else, i feel inferior to everyone I meet. If someone likes me I am suspicious, how can they like someone who is as bad as me.

Sometimes I wish I was dead, that is not being  a drama queen, I just can't cope with the stress and pain. I don't really want to die, I just want peace. I want to be able to enjoy my husband and son without feeling guilty. They are my world. Husband, son, dogs. They give me so much joy and make my life worth living.

Wishing my parents dead, how bad am I? I just want to live some of my life being free.


Sent from my iPad

Pandora 69, I so admire your honesty. I haven't felt like killing myself, but I do understand your feelings because I've felt the same.  The part about her telling you her problems and any suggestions you might make are ignored. Same here. I finally stopped saying much. But all of her drama became mine because ii worried about her and my granddaughters. My husband threw her out. She was living with us. It was easy o blamer him but he couldn't take it anymore. She needed a car. I "sold" her mine. She's paid $200 over almost 11 months. I said no to signing for an apartment and now she doesn't speak to me. I do have peace iin my life, but I miss her and my granddaughters. It's very, very difficult. I don't understand, but I completely iidentify with you. Even the part about telling you things a mother really doesn't want to hear. The only thing I can offer you at this time is to focus on those who love you. I'm wishing you the very best. Oh yes, I too got blamed for everything wrong in her life.

Hello Pandora69  


I understand you are not feeling well at all. I want to send you a big hug  

Thinking about your parents dying like that does not make you a bad person at all. You are only human, and it's completely normal to wish somebody who did us wrong would just disappear. You are certainly not the only one to feel like this  !

I am happy that your have your husband to support you, and that you have a son who you love.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with some of the depressive feelings you are experiencing ?

xx

Welcome Pandora69:   

I'm so very sorry about what you are going through.    Sounds like you are in a care taking situation for your mom.  Care taking can be very stressful, even without a disordered parent. 

You aren't a bad person.  The things your mom says is not about you, but about her.  To me, you sound like a saint to even try to take on the in depth care-taking situation with your mom.

My parent both recently passed.  They were both hospitalized at the same time and passed within 4 months of each other.  My dad had a broken neck, and my mom had a chain of health issues that led to her death (long story).  At various points, there were discussions with my uBPD sister about care for your parents and what if we took them home, versus other choices.  I knew I couldn't do it.  Between the hospitals and skilled nursing home stays, my mom caught a couple superbugs:  MRSA and VRE.  I knew I wasn't equipped to handle an infectious disease situation or the degree of body care that would have been needed for either parent. 

I think it saved me some guilt, in that neither of them ever improved enough to come home before they passed.

Are there any options for getting assistance with care taking your mom?  If you weren't there, and she had no one else, is there some public assistance?

Can you get some counseling?  It helps to have a professional to talk to.

Sometime, just reaching out to talk to a listening ear can make you feel better. The International Suicide Resources will have a section for your country and the link there will lead to some resources for you.  You don't have to be on the verge of suicide to call and talk to someone. 

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES
www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

I wanted to offer some more resources that might be helpful for you.  

The Safety First link below has information for dealing with suicidal thoughts.  

SAFETY FIRST
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

When you are having a bad day, it can help to have some tools to change your thought pattern and mood.  The two links below have some options to consider to change the moment for you.  Emotions can change rapidly, and we can do some healthy things to help us work through them.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html


I'm so glad you have a great husband, son and dogs to bring you some joy and make your life worth living.  Keep focusing on them and how much you would hurt them, if you died.

Reach out to talk to someone.   It could be the first step to getting you some help to better cope with the situation with your mom and perhaps get others involved in her daily are.

Hello Pandora69,

It sounds like you're trapped in a prison of need. Is your mother actually invalid, in need of care, or is this a major guilt situation that's trapping you? It can be hard to step back and evaluate this, especially if you've been trapped in this dynamic for a long time.  This isn't a burden which you have to bear, and it sounds like professionals need to intervene.  Other than your husband,  who is aware of this?

Hi Pandora69,  

*welcome*

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the family. I'm so sorry that you're going through this , you've gotten great advice and good resources from others here and I just wanted to give you some support and a link to a very good book and another to self care. Self care is uber important when you have a pwBPD in your life. I understand how a pwBPD will make others around them feel anxious and they'll say mostly negative things about us, my advice is surround yourself with people that love you, support you and give you realistic feedback about you because feedback that is mostly negative, isn't painting a true picture of who you are - it's distorted. Lastly, take really good care of yourself.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0)

What does it mean to take care of yourself? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)
 

I get it.  I really do -- the suicidal feelings, the wishing they would die.  You are NOT responsible for her, only for yourself.  Thank you for showing me that both you and I need to set boundaries!