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Here I am. 42 days of NC (2nd time). After 12 days I sent an email explaining the reason for my NC. It has been a passionate, sincere, sweet and clear email. No response whatsoever. I must say I blocked him from email too and I told him so.
Anyway. I have blocked him everywhere and I never look at his social media. Not because I am good at detaching but because I am scared to death about what I could find out. NC is so painful but less painful than that.

I would be grateful if you could help me to process where I am now and my thoughts, which are very painful.

Last summer, when he dumped me and reappeared after two months and half like nothing happened, I was in avery, very bad state. This time I dumped him, even if it does not sound like that, and the pain has another shape.
I can function. I have peace most of the times. I can enjoy the peace of my home, my cats, a tv series, my friends, and my job.
But pain is always waiting for me around the corner. A subtle pain, but so sharp. My heart is physically aching and I am losing weight again. Still, I can talk and smile, something I was unable to do last summer. I keep going to therapy, doing my Tai Chi, going out at least once a week with friends.
But sadness is always creeping out. I am thinking about starting a blog.

These are my defeating thoughts and I would appreciate so much if you guys could help me to process them:

1) I am not worth a recycle this time (stupid. I do not want him back. I do not trust him amymore, not one bit. But the thought is here, nonetheless)
2) He kept me separate from his female friends because he was ashamed of me (they were all younger than me).
3)Once I found a paper with a mental centre doctor's name on it. I think he had an appointment with him. I think he did not share this with me as he never trusted me. Maybe he told this to one of his female friends instead.
4) He is having LOTS of fun with my replacement (which would be strange, he had quite a lot of problems in the bedroom)
5) He hates me and I took a lot of bad things from him for nothing.


I need also help in remembering the lies, the cheating, the rpostitutes, the abuse, the disrespect and the rejection I suffered. The pain I am experiencing seems not have a good memory.

Thank you in advance
Unforgiven

unforgivenII you NEED to forgive yourself. I am not nearly as far along in NC as you, but I relate exactly to what you are feeling. My bfwBPD and I broke up last year and I fell apart. It is devastating to remember and it was harrowing for my loved ones to watch. We got back together after 4 months. Now we are broken again. I, like you, am doing better this time. I can function, have peace, and have my job and social life. But you are 100% correct that there is always a sharp pain right there. You are doing all the right things. I am in therapy as well to rebuild my sense of self-worth. Please do not give in to those self-defeating thoughts. I am trying to keep remembering the horrible fights we had and how grotesque my good-looking bf was during his rages. I don't look at old pictures and am marking the time I stay away from him -e.g. "another hour and I didn't contact him". They have us so confused that it is understandable that one minute you just want to talk to them, and the next you shake your head and say "why"? Hang in there and say positive things to yourself.
I'm pulling for you!

Hey UnforgivenII, I am sorry to hear you are in pain.  42 days is actually a relatively short period of time after a break-up, so perhaps you could go easier on yourself.  Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel lousy, and then let the feelings pass through you.  A BPD r/s is somewhat like an addiction in the sense that one knows its unhealthy but still wants to partake.  Continuing this analogy, you are experiencing normal withdrawal symptoms, in my view.  It seems like you are still looking for some sort of validation from him, yet closure is often elusive after parting ways with a pwBPD.  Perhaps you can work on letting go of this need?  What would it accomplish, anyway?  You are valid and worthy just the way you are, without his confirmation.  It's hard, I know, but don't give up the NC ship.  You could think of it as short-term pain leading to long-term happiness.

LuckyJim

At the moment I am crying, but your words... .I think it is the wisest way to look at NC. I will remember that. Thank you.

I am so sad. And I am so scared to see him with my replacement, that I am moving home in 4 months 'time. I wish I could do it sooner but it is impossible.

Thank you. I feel you very near. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone

Where you are is back where you were as a child: alone, invisible, probably in a dysfunctional family. No emotionally healthy and full person will be with a BPD disordered individual.

So now you are suffering not because you really miss your ex, but because you FEEL you are back to being that unwanted, alone, unworthy child that nobody loves: this is all in your head, and it is not true. That is where the work begins, clear your garden and allow a new you to blossom.

I do not look at the time of NC, 42 days in your case, as the time it takes to "get over" or "forget" the BPDx. Rather, it is whatever time it takes for you to establish self-worth. During this time, that is what you need to cultivate.  Stop staying inside your racing mind, and spend time inside your heart.  Oh yes it is painful, I know, but slowly you will get there and never look back.

Hang in there!

Beautifully said! Thanks hopealways:)

Hello Unforgiven
I don't know if it will help but when I went NC one thing that helped me was I wrote every bad thing, memory, hurt that he caused me down and next to it a description of what his face looked like at the time. I would read and re read this over and over which seemed to stabilise my grief somewhat. Then I would say to myself, " and for this person you are now sitting here with fat red slug eyelids, red sore cheeks and a nose looking like it's been punched ( I'm not a pretty crier, dunno how they manage it in the movies). Anyway, it used to balance me a bit, help me take the next step forward. Perhaps you could try.
Love from
Sadly xx

Oh Sadly. Thank you  and yes hopealways. I feel just like you said. As I said before, I bought myself a teddy bear :) he is small so I bring him with me all the time... .and it is comforting. More than I thought.

Any advice on how to cancel or fight these thoughts?

UnforgivenI, I do not know where I found this, but when I think of my exBPDbf I use this R.A.I.N. technique (mostly just the non-identification part for me). 

I find it VERY helpful to articulate that I am "just having a thought about exBPDbf" or that "I am having a thought about having a thought about exBPDbf..  Because thinking about him is pretty normal given what went on.  The problem is that I make up all kinds of BS about having those thoughts. 

I also use this technique about lots of things. Another ex of mine used to be afraid of driving over bridges.  So years after we'd broken up I was about to drive over this HUGE bridge, and I thought to myself "oh no, what if I am scared to drive over this bridge."  Thankfully, I used this technique and said "I am having a thought about being scared of driving over this bridge."  Having a thought about being scared is not the same as being scared.

Hope that makes sense and STAY THE COURSE!  You are doing great and YOU are worth it!

RAIN

The acronym RAIN, a tool used by many meditation teachers—originally developed by Michele McDonald—is a simple yet powerful way to handle a stress episode. It allows us to shift our perspective of the stressor from threat to manageable challenge, and to activate our own resources to meet the challenge with equanimity:

Recognition: Consciously take notice of what is occurring in your body and mind. For example, “My mouth feels dry and there is a pit in my stomach. I feel like an idiot.”

Acceptance: Acknowledge that the stress response is present and allow it to be here. This doesn’t mean that you’re happy about it, but giving up the effort to resist it is, paradoxically, the quickest way to help it subside.

Investigation: Ask yourself calmly what thoughts and emotions are present, what stories you are telling yourself. Following this technique, the candidate might have answered, “I can’t believe I sound so lame. I’m afraid that I will lose this opportunity, that I will not be admitted to business school, that I will feel like a failure in front of my family and friends, and that I won’t have a successful career.”

Non-identification: Having recognized, accepted, and explored the implications of your stress symptoms, the final step is to realize that although you are experiencing them, they do not define you.  "I am having the thought that I a feel like a failure" is very different and much more manageable than "I am a failure."

Unforgiven, everyone has given such good advice and I'm struggling to add to it, but I can give you support. I know this pain so well and I'm here to say that you can and will get through it. It might seem insurmountable at times and when it does cry it out. The pain really does come in waves. If you tune in you'll feel it, the intensity comes and goes. As time goes on the intensity will lessen and it will go more often. Truly, you'll see. Hang in there. I think you're doing an amazing job.  

One school of thought is the DBT type therapy but I don't really believe in canceling or fighting thoughts. I think the best way is to allow them out and feel the pain.
Many of us all our lives bottled up pain, which is why we never fought back and took abuse. Now it is time to release all this bottled up pain, or at least learn how to do it.
For me that was the only way. I have heard of the RAIN technique and other techniques and if that stuff works for people then by all means go for it. For me they dont.

My view on how you should think about what you listed based on what I have lived/learned:
1. You got too close and his fears and defences prevent him from trying again.
2. Likely attachments that he didn't want to risk loosing.
3. Probably never wanted any of you to see it, and kept it to use as a means of hanging on to an attachment if necessary.
4. Idealization only lasts so long, the cycle always repeats.
5. He feels the way he feels based on his emotion of the moment, you accepted what you did because you have qualities that he doesn't.

Just go with whatever comes up, don't try to remember the bad to detach, and don't try to remember the good to sooth. Recovery isn't linear.

Thank you so much, lovenature. You are helping me a lot.

No problem. Many have helped me and we are all here to help each other.