BPDFamily.com

Hello I was on here before but exited because I promised my wife I would no go longer go on websites to ask for help.  My wife is an undiagnosed BPD and it has been difficult to say the least.

there has been physical violence.  There has been police involved.  there has been suicide attempts.

and for every step forward it seems like there are two steps back.

I cheated on her 6 years ago and since then everything I do is infidelity and everything I say takes her back.  I know I have done her wrong and I wish I could undo what I did. 

I am in a good place mentally now but she still insists on disrupting my work which gets me in trouble at work. 

At home the hours of yelling and accusations and more yelling, lasting sometimes from 8pm until after 2am, I cant take it.

I listen I remember that love does not anger ... .hence I have to remind myself that I lover her and that I am angry at the moment, but not at her. 

I guess all I am here to say is that it is tough.  it is so very hard.  I pray for support.  I love her but it is so hard to go home at nights.

Hi mecalecalec,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I'm glad that you decided to reach out and get support, many of us here are just like you, it helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

Are you safe right now? Are you worried about physical violence? Have you tried to change something at home when she's emotionally dysregulated? Have you tried stepping out for a bit to go and run an errand? We're here for you.

yes yes and yes!  I used to keep a bag packed in my car with some changes of clothing and toiletries but she said I was no longer committed to the marriage because I this showed I always had one foot out the door and that I ended up having a great time at the hotel when she was stuck at home with the kids.

I run an errand and its "what are you really up to"  ... .I go for a walk and its "youre running away again"  if I complain about the verbal and physical abuse its "but you wont take ownership for getting me so worked up"

recently it has turned into I am abusing her and that she has all these bruises from me, eventhough I never touched her.

there are no outs other than to sit and endure.  and if I close my eyes or look away its "look at my eyes you mother___er... .lift up your head a__hole" or something of the sort.  if I don't answer right or tell the truth that she wants to hear it becomes then you don't go to work tomorrow because youre going to watch the kids and you are not allowed to get a sitter

she has taken my license, credit cards and keys before

I know I am venting and there is nothing magical that can make things better.  it is my life and in all honesty half the time I really wish she would say she is leaving and mean it.  but she never does mean it and it is endless yelling and beratement and accusations with no end in sight ,  ever

Hi mecalecalec,

No worries, that's what this forum is here for, it's to talk, get it out without being invalidated or judged, we get that a lot from our pwBPD or sometimes our family members as well.


That's an interesting quote, I've been blamed for that too, what I learned here is that we're not responsible for someone else's feelings and it's up to that person to sooth their own feelings. A pwBPD can't self sooth or regulate their emotions, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder. I think that getting out and not subjecting yourself to her line of fire when she's emotionally dysregulating is good. I can understand how she would trigger feelings of guilt and fear, have you heard of fog or emotional blackmail? ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt ) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0)

A pwBPD will say many negative things about you, it helps to talk to others to get feedback that's more realistic about you, I recall the fog or how it made me feel, the things that my exuBPDw would say made me feel a lot of guilt and I was scared of her, it's the disorder, I learned to depersonlize it here, it can be a goal for you too, keep in mind that it takes time and we can see have our feelings about the behaviors, I find that it helps to share that with others here, people that get it, we help each other out.