BPDFamily.com

My husband demonstrates signs of narcissism, emotional abuse, and BPD.  We have been married 14 years and have two children.  Within the last couple of years, I have come to realize that what I live with is not what is typical.  I have done lots of research, and see some tendencies, but I think I'm having trouble with completely accepting that I'm in that bad of a situation.  This life has been my normal for so long... .

Hi bookworm1, 

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, there are a lot of people here that can relate with you, you're not alone. What prompted you to start researching, can you give us the backstory?

About two years ago, my husband went through a time where he wasn't "sure he was in love with me"  He drug this on for some time, months, and went as far as to talk about moving out, sleeping on the couch, etc.  I was devastated, tbh, and was a constant nervous, crying wreck. He didn't know if he loved me, even refused to hold my hand at one point in time, but he was fine if we had sex.  (He asked, I said no) I finally gathered the strength to tell him that I was leaving, with the kids, for the weekend, to go to my parents house in another state.  During that time with my mom, dad, and brother it came to light that my family really despises him and sees him as an emotional abuser.  I didn't fully believe that his behavior was truly abusive.

When I came back, initially he was talking of divorce and doing it online.  I told him we would be getting a lawyer if that is the route we went.  His tone changed at some point shortly after my trip, and he decided that he was in love with me.

That time in our marriage changed me a great deal, and I've never been the same.  I am much more aware now of his behaviors, but there is still a part of me that doesn't totally believe he is that terrible.  My brother (who has significant training in abuse after being a victim's advocate for years) says that it is how he has programmed me.

I would leave because I just don't feel the same anymore save three reasons... .my son, my daughter, and the significant financial debt we have, which is nearly crippling.  I have also added to the problems in my own ways, and although I now wonder if it was in response to the extreme loneliness that is sometimes inherent in being married to him, I don't like to make excuses for my behavior.

Hi bookworm1,

Would you say that he emotionally checked out? I know it's tough, it sounds like you're not blaming him and you see your role in the marriage, the upside of this difficult stretch is that you became more aware, now you can learn about the behaviors, learn the basic tools and lessons and do the self work to move to a healthier position in your r/s.


Do you visit with friends and family, do you have hobbies?

He alternates between being obviously emotionally checked out and being seemingly very connected.  I alternate between blaming him and thinking I'm crazy for thinking he is emotionally abusive.  I really feel crazy about 90% of the time, honestly.

I have hobbies... .exercising, walking, reading, baking... .and I have friends, although I rarely do things with them socially. I'm very tied to my two kids and their activities too.   

bookworm1,

I'm new here so I'm certainly not an authority, but I can empathize with much of what you're saying.  Living with my wife who suffers from BPD, I've come to realize how much tolerance I've developed to dynamics that wouldn't seem normal to people looking in at our relationship from the outside. 

I also understand what it is like to question one's own sanity when living with someone suffering from a personality disorder.

Discussing a particular incident, my sweetheart denied it ever happened while talking with our psychiatrist.  She insisted that I had hallucinated it.  Later, talking with another person about the same incident, she not only acknowledged that the incident happened, but also presented reasons why she believed she was justified in her actions.  If the incident were ever brought up again with a different person, I wouldn't be surprised if her explanation changed completely again depending on the narrative she wants to present.

I've questioned my sanity many times over the years.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find an anchor to steady yourself, emotionally and mentally, while you work through this.

I would like to join the others in welcoming you to the bpdfamily, although I'm sorry that you are in a position that led you to find us. Mutt was right though, there is a good side to all of this.

There are some lessons and tools in the sidebar to the right of the page that will help you. I suggest that you Understanding your partner's behaviors (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187) so that you can start to better understand what might be going on in your relationship.

If you read the posts of others on these boards, you will quickly see that you are not alone in the way that you are feeling. Many of us, including me, have experienced parallel situations.

Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. Knowledge is power after all.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.