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I was over at my BPD GF last weekend. We had been dating, more or less, for 2.5 years.

I knew that BPDs arrange a new relationship while still in their old one. I was pretty much hanging around, waiting for it to happen. I wanted to spend every last second with her until I couldn't see her anymore.

Anyway, she wasn't being her usual affectionate, flirtatious sexual self, so I figured that this must be it.

I asked her about it and she said she was busy, tired, etc.

Sunday morning I told her that it seemed to me that she was seeing somebody else, or that she was making arrangements to do it. Was I warm? I asked.

She said :You can't make accusations and question me in my own house!

I took that as a "yes," and ended the relationship by unloading on her all of the anger, hurt, and frustration I felt after 2.5 years of emotional abuse. I stamped on and crushed every single eggshell I had been previously walking on. I was pretty brutal with her. I told her the absolute truth about what she was and how she affected other people. I shocked the living crap out of her, she had no defenses, she was at a loss, and was overwhelmed by the ferocity of my attack. None of her BPD defenses were available to her. Her face went white, her jaw dropped, and she ran out of the house to hide in her car.

All I said to her were the symptoms of BPD, I told her that she was a BPD, and told her what would probably happen to her if she didn't seek some help. It was all really awful, but true.

Question: Is there any way she could have answered the question? Like, "Yes I'm seeing somebody," or "No, I'm not seeing anybody?" Can a BPD do that? Was I correct in assuming that her refusal to answer was proof of her guilt?

Quite possibly. However that's not exclusive to BPD. Pretty much anyone who's caught in a lie, and confronted in that way will divert. They're caught off guard and need time to regroup their thoughts to try and come up with a credible answer.

It's a human nature thing, as well as down to who someone is as an individual. Some will outright lie and deny it, some will admit it, and some will deny it truthfully. A non answer though usually means they're buying a bit of time to think, BPD or not, and so usually is worthy of suspicion.

In my experience.
You can never truly know if what they say is true.

Also, sometimes they conditionally lie.
For example... .

Well, it's not like I lied that I wasn't cheating. At the time we didn't have sex yet!
Despite them kissing and etc...

Or, if they ever deceive you... . "I didn't lie... .Because you never asked."

What you did would have freaked out a non BPD person.

Question: Why were you waiting around until it ended, if you knew it wasn't working?

She's right, you were making accusations in her home and almost willing her to have cheated. Was that fair?

I'm playing the devils advocate here so please don't think I'm bashing you. I am just curious what your motives were.  What would you have done had she answered "yes"?

It's never a great idea to tell someone they might have an emotional disorder, even if they fit the criteria. We are not therapists nor are we qualified to diagnose and it may very well not be BPD, there are many co morbidities and other disorders on the spectrum.  

To answer your question, yes BPD's are capable of answering questions. Mine when asked point blank admited she had cheated on me. Persons with BPD know from right and wrong. Many hold down good jobs and are able to function in society, just not in close interpersonal relationships. Again, keep in mind there is no cookie cutter approach when it comes to living with this disorder, some are "healthier" than others, it's all based on the individual.  Some lie and cheat and others don't.

Pretty Woman:

My BPD had me exactly where she wanted me from the day I met her. I had never heard of BPD and it wasn't until she told me she had been diagnosed with it that I was able to read up on it.

I never ever wanted to leave; I was addicted to the good times, and I made excuses for the bad times by thinking: "It's not her fault; it's the disease." I didn't realize that I was being damaged by her bizarre behavior. All I knew was that I loved her and and somehow we would make it work. Of course, later I learned that it was folly. She never again admitted to her diagnosis and refused any suggestion of therapy or counseling. I needed counseling, she said. Even so, I had committed myself emotionally for the duration.

Her behavior that weekend was so different from the usual that I absolutely knew something was up. I had to ask.

If she had said "yes" I would have done the same thing. I really wanted her to hear what I had to say; I didn't want her to be able to hide behind her BPD defenses. I knew that this was the last time I would ever speak to her, and I wanted to make sure she heard me.

So, I attacked her with anything I could think of. I wasn't trying to be therapeutic. I was trying to hurt her. I'm just a regular schmuck and not a therapist. I called her a BPD because she told me that she was one.

I knew I never wanted to see her or speak to her again, so I knew I had to make it so that she would be so hurt and freaked out that she would NEVER think of contacting me again. I wanted her to be afraid of me, to see me as a threat.

Reason? Because I was afraid I'd fall under her spell again and I knew it could actually kill me from stress.

So, I let her have it. In retrospect, I would do the same thing.

Chobers,
You said what I've been fantasizing about saying to my ex friend with BPD for the past few years. They fear being "found out" above everything else.  My friend was a compulsive liar i believe. Its the lies by omission that really got me. If I got the feeling he was holding something back from me, unfortunately I would fill in the blanks, sorta feel bad about assuming something, and then later find out intuition was correct.  Lots of dropping hints and walking out of the room was normal for him.
I think what you are supposed to do is look into their eyes and read whats going on, not show any sort of emotion like betrayal or sadness or anger and just go about like everything's okay.

I know it probably felt good to lay out all that stuff on her, but, if she truly has the disorder she isn't going to wake up and realize the harm she's done and apologize or anything. Maybe even bad mouth you to others for it. Sounds like her answer to you was being merely self-rightious maybe?

Unlike you, the reason that I wont say all the things I want to say to him is because I don't want to never see him again. I keep going between he cant help it, he really does care about me to thinking he knew exactly what he was doing and never really felt a shred of love for me. Unfortunately, I still care about him and miss him terribly. Stupid, I know. 

I think my ex seemed to read in me that I was afraid to ask him what was really going on with the other girls, and therefore found me emotionally safe.  
The confusing thing is that mine could be very very honest (almost TOO honest) . But being called out (in a very passive and calm way) for not saying the whole truth about something very minor would lead to hostility then silent treatment.

I know this feeling quite well. I was with my exBPDgf for 2 years. I really loved her, we lived together nearly the whole two years. This gave me a false sense of security because if she was with me every night, how could she cheat. I really thought she'd kill me by the stress she caused me. It's hard to see someone who once valued us as much as we still value them, completely dismiss us.

Anyways I'm really sorry for your situation and I know you'll find another girl who won't betray you

Hopefulgirl:

I only hammered her to take care of my own needs, not hers. I don't really care one way or another if she wakes up or sees the light, etc. I would like to forget I ever met her.

She can bad mouth me to anyone she wants; I don't know anyone she knows, and vice-versa.

As time went on, she saw that I was figuring out her methods and that they weren't working. She had to get rid of me, and she did.

My final monologue to her showed her that she had been absolutely unable to hide anything from me. I knew who and what she was, and I told her so. How she reacted to it is not my business or my concern.

Hi, Always:

Now I know what BPD, psychopathy, and narcissism looks like, and I know there are plenty of good and healthy and sincere people who want a loving relationship with someone just like me. I guess it was an experience I was meant to have. I sure learned a lot.

Thanks for writing.

Interesting I've thought my exgf may have eventually killed me from the stress had we stayed together as well. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Horrible way to live.

 C<|||chobers

I could relate to your situation. I also stuck around and worse, went back knowing full well what I was dealing with.  I would also spend hours accusing her of cheating, and lying but like an idiot the pull of excitement and sex would bring me back.

Not being able to walk away is what still stings to this day. In the end, much like yourself I knew it was over on the Friday of the last weekend we spent together. On Sunday morning, she gave me the speech that she needed to be alone, and needed time away to think things through.  I was sort of prepared. A week before she flat out told me that she had accepted to go on a date with some guy she met.  We weren't together at that point this was during a recycle after time apart.  

I also gave her a piece of my mind and said some harsh words that I regret while seeing for the last time.  If I had to do it again, I would have taken the high road and just walk away. Only positive is that I believe the words cut deep enough for her not wanting anything to do with me, which turned out to be the best thing for me. It gave me time to clear the fog and begin to detach.