BPDFamily.com

I am married for about 2 years and recently realised that my husband shows traits of BPD. He is a freelancer and works and earns money. However our relationship is not very healthy as its fluctuating from being best and strongest to "don't show me your face ". I have tried to do many things to please him in the hope that he will some day acknowledge that I care for him but he still believes that "you don't care for me and don't have care in your DNA"  and then avoidance and he just stays away from me - but does not want me to leave.

He has cut off from his family and hence I do not have any help from any relatives. I want to improve my relationship with him and be able to better communicate with him. Want to learn some effective ways to diffuse the tension. I want to improve myself so that I am more in tune and make less mistakes and reduce the number of conflicts.

I somehow believe that he realises that something is wrong with him because in angry situation after all abusing and blaming he will leave himself and find a quite place to stay=comes back when cooled down or will ask me to leave. We are staying in 2 separate apartments- but close by. When the relationship is going good he comes to my apartment and we stay together. After major fights he starts staying at the other flat. The cycle repeats.

Secondly want to understand how I can make him realise that he needs to meet a doctor for help. I also want to know if he is aware that he has a personality disorder - how do I ask him ?


I love him a lot and am dedicated to help him and lead a happy life.

Hi AnonUK,

*welcome*

I'm glad you joined this community. You've come to the right place for support in better communicating with your husband. It can be a challenge to relate to someone with BPD/traits. With the right tools, however, things can get much better. bpdfamily has tons of tools that can help.  :)

You obviously care very much about your husband, and there are things you can do to reduce conflict in the communications between you.

Here is a short video describing how to do that:

Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

When you have time, I also encourage you to look at the right sidebar ------>
You'll find a lot of excellent information that will support you in your goal.

What kinds of things trigger the most conflict?

Do you have some support from your own family and/or friends?

Keep writing, it really helps. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

Thanks a lot for the quick reply. I will definitely watch the video and go through the articles.
Recently read about validating/invalidating and really it opened my eyes and I do now understand how my responses were escalating the conflicts.

Based on what I have experienced there are 3 major triggers

1) when I "commit a mistake" unknowingly which affects him - these were very trivial things ... (since I do not have any of his relatives around I did not know some of his daily habits - which are quite specific - like he is very sensitive to smell - or very sensitive to the taste, even water or he likes things kept in a particular way... .does not like to throw anything away that is old like old bedsheet or a used T shirt. Asking him to throw it invokes responses like " when I become old you will throw me away) ... .he never ever told me abt this earlier so I did not know ... I discovered it the hard way... :)

So in initial few months of marriage I committed these mistakes as I was a newly wedded wife and wanted all new things in house and decorate/clean the house as much as possible so I made changes and "Changes are costly" as he always says.
another of his usual phrase is "you do not take care of me as a wife should"... .and of course he tests me a lot ... .

2) When communicating with him the only thing he was interested in listening to is something that is related to him. If I talk anything other than him like weather, politics ,relatives then it means I am not interested in him ... .and if we had a conversation then any reference to certain past childhood days, or comparison or any casual judgemental comment from me was like end of it ... .responses like "no point talking to you ... .you are like a TV reporter just analysing"... ."you are not involved in anything... .you do not do anything yourself and that's why you can comment this way... .

My problem doubles up because he does not have any relatives (cut off from them since long) and I have left my house/city and come to stay with him in another city - which is new to me . So I do not have any relatives or friends around to discuss or know about him.

He has systematically managed to cut me off by raising trust issues and so I do not talk much to anyone and have not made new friends ... .so initially When the conflicts happened I did not know how to handle and was frightened a lot ... .I feared him a lot... .

But I think I am brave and love him and I could understand that there is something not right with him but could not figure it out ... .searched a lot on web and then read about BPD and all makes a lot of sense to me now... .

3) rejection ... .any kind of rejection that happens with his friends or at work... .

I know its a uphill task and I have to rebuild the relationship ... .going to start with validating his feeling ... .and responding positively... .

Validating is a very powerful skill, AnonUK.  |iiii

We have information about it here:

Validation Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

It can be an uphill battle, but with some tools and self-care, things can improve.

Living in a new city is a big change. Making friends can take a while. Add to that a new place and a relationship with someone who has higher than average attention needs, getting a support network around you can take more time than is comfortable.

What do you do for self-care, AnonUK? For fun? Do you have hobbies or interests that might get you meeting some new people?

heartandwhole

Since most if the time I am alone at home - I do listen to music ,watch TV and read. I do have a couple of female neighbours with whom I talk. I also speak to my family members on phone -My mother and sister almost every other day.

He has successfully managed to isolate me quite a bit. Meeting new people is out of question at present and he does not like it. Its his way of "protecting me" because I might get hurt or might start a new affair ... .and that's the reason for not allowing a job as well. One thing is good is he is highly functional and hence earns enough. he is very good in his work. We have our own house. I myself was working for almost 15 to 16 years before marriage and have enough savings. So money not issue and that's one more point he mentions when job topic arises.

I did offer him to help him in his work ... .He gave me some work which I was doing for the first time... .so it was not the perfect outcome ... .so I am not giving my 100% and hence I am not fit for his job... .
according to him I have the capability of doing the job but I do not do it from my heart as I don't want to do it ... .[This is because when I got married I had mentioned him that I will take a break of 6 months and will not work just so that I can concentrate on home and him.] Wanting a 6 months break after 16 long continuous years of job that too after marriage to concentrate on his home and family is being selfish ? So no job and cannot help him in his work... .

There are way too many conflicting scenarios and statements that he makes ... .For a year and a half I could not understand... .but now since I read and know the reason ... .I understand and now want to take control and guide this relationship... .

I am a strong woman... .and I will now take good care of myself ... .I am more worried about him ... .want to help him.