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I have a question about sex with my wife.  So, those of you following my saga know that it was just over four weeks ago that I discovered her affair with her cousin and she did her running away thing.  We're also at about five weeks since having sex.  That is, until this past Thursday evening.

I'm writing because a friend of mine... .female (who knows both my wife and I and the whole story)... .has given me some advice that I want bounce off this group.  The friend has said (rightly so I believe) that my wife uses sex to manipulate... .me and others.

The friend said I should not be the one to initiate sexual contact... .at least for the first few times it occurs.  In fact, she said the first time it happens I should initiate nothing at all... .that it should be left to my wife to make the first move.  To some extent I agree with that... .although my wife has almost never initiated sexual contact.

My wife has slept here three nights since the blow up.  She's here almost every day to be with the kids after school.  

She stayed here Wednesday and Thursday of this week.  Wednesday, after the kids went to bed, we had a pretty good kiss and it became obvious to both of us that I was at least physically ready for sex.  However, when we went to bed I kissed her, said good night, and went to sleep without attempting to initiate sex.  The next morning the wife commented that she thought I was going to "try something" the night before.  In the past she's said this when she expected/wanted sex and I did nothing.  

So Thursday evening I met a friend for a couple of glasses of wine (a mental health evening since I'd been with the kids four weeks straight).  When I got home she was already in bed and asleep.  As I was getting ready for bed she woke up... as I got into bed she revealed that while wearing a sleep shirt she had nothing on below the shirt... .something she NEVER does (usually shorts or sleep pants).  From there we both initiated a pretty satisfying sexual encounter.

Is the friend right that I should not be initiating the contact?  I can see how my wife has used sex to attempt to manipulate a dominant position in the relationship.  Sex is always a dicey question for people... .honestly one of my fears was that I'd have a mental block... .intrusive thoughts.  It didn't happen, thank goodness... .but that doesn't mean it won't in the future.  Any advice or insights here... either on how to approach sexual contact or deal with intrusive thoughts (such as made up mental images of her with her cousin)?

I can understand some of where you are coming from.

My wife has used sex as a means of control for nearly our entire marriage.  Lots of withholding and denying. 


Here is something I recently tried that might help you:
Give her a massage of some kind.  Like a back rub, shoulder rub, or leg rub.  Skin to skin if possible.  Even better if you use lotion or a body oil that she enjoys.  Then, when you're done, go on your way (to bed, to read a book, to watch a movie, or whatever else you might feel like doing) as if you never had any inclination of anything further happening between you to... .as if sexual intimacy isn't even on your mind.

In my wife's case, she seemed notably more eager to establish intimacy again.

As for the mental image of her and the cousin, I'm sorry that I don't have a solution for that.  I hope you are able to find something that can help you in that regard.

Shane87,

Thanks for the advice.  I guess where my real concern is in all this is that it almost seems sordid to be jockeying for position in the relationship.  She thinks that if I am the initiator of sexual contact this allows my wife a more dominant and manipulative position which I need to avoid. 

It depends on how you initiate the sexual contact. If you do it in a tentative, cautious way, as if you're hesitating for her permission, then yes, it does put her in the more dominant/manipulative position. However, if you approach things in a more confident way, as though you're expecting her to want and welcome your advances, then that puts you in the more dominant position and allows her to submit to you.

Obviously timing helps. and so pick a time when she appears receptive. If she rejects your initiation then you'll need to speak to her about it.

Maybe if I sexted her first... .

but seriously, I suppose this is an issue to work out in our couples counseling.

The fact is that there'll be times that whatever you do is wrong, that's just life.

However, traditionally it's expected that it's the man who initiates sex, and not doing so may be seen as some kind of rejection in her mind. So, if you're going to be wrong whatever you do, it's probably better that you're wrong being the man and taking the lead.

Just my opinion.

This is always a difficult issue.  It's more based on where his emotions stand and how he's feeling than anything I do or don't do, I think. 

Bad mood/close to dysregulating:  If I try to initiate when I feel good, have energy, I am often rebuffed as it's "not the right time" of day, he will get too tired and he wants to wait for bed, yadda yadda.  If I try to initiate then, he may be sore, not feel like it, it's "pity sex", I'm too warm from my shower, he wants to wait.  And so I will often fall asleep before he's ready for anything to happen - this leads to a fight about how I leave him hanging, tease him all day, need to learn to be a better lover, need to learn this and that, need to not be a lump who "just lies there", etc.  If I am tired, I tend to JADE, and then one of us goes to the couch.

Good mood/reasonable mood:  Things are pretty okay, barring any extreme physical ailments, he goes along with it or initiates himself. 

Usually, I wait for him to initiate.  It means he's actually in the mindset to start something.  I will hug him, I will sit on the couch and try to rub his back or legs if he will let me, and I don't expect anything to come of that.  If it does, cool.  If not, meh.