BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I’m a little exhausted and overwhelmed and not quite sure where to start but looking forward to some of the collective wisdom here.

I believe that my wife of almost three years has BPD. The first year or so of our relationship was pretty classic: whirlwind, intense, we couldn’t get enough of each other. Since then it’s been coldness, irritability, constant criticism, and threats. I’ve read Stop Walking on Eggshells which was hugely helpful in understanding some of what my partner is experiencing. I’m in therapy and that’s been helpful as well.

For the last few months, though, things have been rougher than usual. Everything came to a head when we were visiting my family for Christmas. She feels that my family doesn’t like or respect her (which I don’t believe is true) and she feels like I don’t stand up for her when she perceives that they disrespect her. While we were there I made the mistake of telling her that I thought she was seeing dislike and disrespect because that’s what she expects to see from a family—her mother left her when she was a child and her father is now in jail, she likely had some abuse as a child. I tried to point out that my family, while certainly far from perfect, have welcomed and accepted her but she doesn’t see it. I admit that I am conflict-avoidant, so I’m not the kind of person to pick a fight with a guy in a bar for looking at her crossways, but many of the insults that she perceives don’t ever cross my radar.

So there’s a big distance between us on most days. Knowing her history and her BPD, I know that she’s terrified of abandonment despite the fact that she constantly pushed me away, so I try to look past the way she treats me most days and let her know that I’m in this marriage for the long run, and that I love her. I make her lunch to take to work and leave love notes in it, I send her flowers regularly, I get her gifts for no particular reason. There are brief periods of closeness and affection. When we are able to get away from the kids and work for a night or two it’s like magic, suddenly she’s warm, affectionate, caring, and sexual. She bought a workbook to help couples in trouble and we did one chapter and that was fantastic as well. Recently, though, when I’ve suggested doing more chapters, or trying to get away for a night again she’s shot me down, over and over again. She’s always been a deeply unhappy person but she’s seemed much worse over the last 6 – 9 months or so.

Just a few days ago we had an appointment with our couples therapist. She felt like the therapist was being sarcastic and condescending to her and said that she wouldn’t be back. Then I got it for not sticking up for her and defending her. Last night she suggested that we give each other some space for a few weeks—not a separation, we would still live together, still coparent together, etc, but no pressure to work on relationship issues. We have a weekend away planned for two weekend from now so she proposed re-evaluating things then. Last night she said that there are so many things that I do right in this relationship but the fact that I can’t live up to this expectation may be a dealbreaker. She said that she’s lost her mother and her father and needs me to be her shield and protector. She was seriously talking about divorce.

Complicating all of this is her drinking, which is a problem. And she gets much more insecure and angry when she’s been drinking. She had had quite a few drinks by the time of our conversation last night.

I’m sad, lonely, and exhausted. I’ve been killing myself lately trying to make this relationship better, but she says that the reason she’s no longer affectionate is that she can’t trust me to “have her back.” We’ve just built a beautiful new house and have 2 kids (a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship of hers and a 2 year old girl).

Further complicating all of this is that she’s in graduate school for counseling, and doing her internship, seeing clients and providing mental health counseling. She has a therapist as well. She asked me last night if I thought she was borderline. I’ve thought this for years but have never brought it up to her. My therapists say that she sounds classic for borderline from my descriptions and our most recent couples therapist also thinks that she’s borderline. I keep Stop Walking on Eggshells hidden. Last night I didn’t admit that I do think she’s BPD, but I did ask her why she asked and why it would matter. She saw that response as an affirmative and said that she has spoken to her own therapist about it and that he doesn’t think she is. I think that conversation was a part of what sparked the big fight last night. I know that she doesn’t have a very high opinion of BPDs, and frequently complains about having to work with them in counseling.

This post feels like it’s been long and rambling and disorganized, but there’s just so much going on that I think is relevant. I know I’ve left out tons of information. So I guess right now I’m just feeling conflicted. On the one hand I’m thinking, “I can be that person that she wants, I can stick up for her when she feels like people are being rude to her, etc.” At the same time, though, I question whether that would really fix things and whether it’s possible or desirable for me to change in that way.

Any thoughts, observations, comments, or questions are appreciated!

-Greencane

*welcome*

I went though something similar with my ex and my family. I think that as you read posts from others here, you'll find other similarities in what you have experienced and what they have gone through.

To answer the direct question in your post, I don't think that it will help if you stick up for her. In fact, it may make matters worse for you over time because it may serve to isolate you from friends and family. Not to mention the fact that you won't be giving up your own values in the process of just trying to make her happy.

However, there are some communication skills that may help you achieve your goals. The sidebar to the right of this page has some basic tools to help get you started. In fact, I think that reading the articles about Listening with Empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy) and Don't be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) may be great places for you to start.

When we listen with empathy, we hear what the other person is actually trying to tell us rather than just focusing on the words that are used. This allows us to not invalidate their feelings. I can just image the "No one likes me," "Oh, that's not true Honey!" conversations and how quickly they escalate into something more. Learning to be empathetic and not invalidating will change the dynamics of that situation.

Please ask any questions that you are comfortable asking. I look forward reading more about your relationship when you are comfortable posting.