BPDFamily.com

Hi I'm a new member here.

I've been with my (un-diagnosed) BPD guy for 10years. Only before 2years, after a lot of turmoil and finally a devastating break up i came to know about BPD and how it has affected our relationship all these years. I've been trying a lot since then to learn coping strategies, reading lots of books, articles etc. to improve the relationship.

My problem is like this:

Before 2 years, the turmoils had intensified because of his abandonment issue -- i had taken admission  in a university in a different state. He is very introvert so he did say anything directly but started the silent treatment for long duration, and of course the endless cycles of shame, apology, pulling-in, pushing-out followed. And finally he broke up. But later,again made up.

Following these, when i came to know about BPD, i had set my career on hold for more than a year and gave time to understanding him, his BPD, working tirelessly to improve communication, better understanding etc.

Now, things are better, but i am standing in a position where i again might have to go to a different state for my career. i am extremely afraid that he might again behave in those harsh ways. Though we have talked about this point, and he did say he'll not react so badly and i had even pointed it out, in an empathetic way, that these are fears only, i have not really "left" him to which he had agreed too, but i am still not very convinced that he wont react again like before.

Can any experienced member share how to tell him about my career, that i might have to go to another state and to tell him about various constructive ways that we can adopt to maintain a healthy relationship?

P.S - We are not staying together but in out respective house and meeting up once a while. That is fine with him. But when I'll have to go out of state, he sees it as threat.

HI anu6, .

So sorry your post inadvertently got lost in the shuffle.

Sharing news with our pwBPD is so stressful. We often wait until the last minute to prevent a stress build up with them or we want to wait for the right time/mood/emotion, but when the time is good we don't want to rock the boat, so we hold off again.

I'm learning that the best way to share info like this is to just be direct. Try not to project onto him how you believe he will react. Maybe address some things you think may be a concern--I'm going to miss you, we won't be in the same zip code, it's hard to be apart. When he responds (and it may be with anger) validate what he is feeling, even if that feeling seems out of the norm.