BPDFamily.com

I understand the other traits and how / why they might have formed. Or vaguely so...

Very puzzled about entitlement though. How does a disorder result in a whole bunch of people not just feeling as though the world owes them a living but also going out of their ways to be as parasitic as possible?

I think its down to emotional maturity.

A child has a sense of entitlement and expects adults to care for their every need. From my perspective a lot of pwBPD have a stunted emotional maturity. And this may sound creepy but I get the feeling that with my two uBPD exs I was more a father figure than a partner.

Yes... .

I mentioned on another thread that my exes father died whilst we were together. Terrible event of course, particularly as she only found out a month later from a postman, though the anguish and grieving seemed to go on for an ice age.

 After that, slowly but surely, she increasingly seemed to ascribe his characteristics to me.

The entitlement though seemed subtly different to that of a child. Children do not lull you into thinking they can take care of themselves, don't have a medical excuse for all seasons and are dependent rather than, I think, feeling entitled.

Where they do feel entitled ( it's my toy)  they make their displeasure quite clear, the ex clearly felt entitled but more in a 'I know I can manipulate this'  sort of a way.

 I remember having to drive 50+ miles from work several times because she couldn't get to the shops 150 yards away. This despite the twenty or so prams she'd collected. It was far more effort to argue with me and wait two hours than to just go to the shops. In this instance she seemed to feel entitled to being spoon fed. Or maybe it was a test of her manipulative skills?

Course after the first time this became a firm boundary for me. And as with all boundaries she felt compelled to break them as soon as possible. If I refused then sharks were going to eat her, a volcano likely to erupt en route and her back would give in etc.

Also children know when they are trying it on. Can even be a good natured game if you handle it well. With the ex every try on was a life or death struggle. Every generosity instantly forgotten. I'm not convinced she realised that her demands were unreasonable and had zero empathy for any cogent reasons why the bank account should not be emptied, for example.

I never found a children's needs to be parasitic.  The borderlines needs are an exercise in parasitic compound interest with added penalty clauses aggressively enforced by an abusive bailiff.

Children can manipulate too. I know mine try it. I think that it may get worse as they get older as people expect them to take care of themselves so they have to make it more dramatic to get their own way. Ive seen my children try to evolve things as they know the old way doesn't work anymore.

My ex wife would never answer the phone if I was home. She could be sat next to it and it be ringing but she would expect me to drop what I was doing to answer it. she would feign not having heard it as an excuse. I thought back then that it was very childlike as if expecting an adult to answer it as phones where for adults.

One of the most disappointing things for me is that so many of the little things which I thought made my ex unique, back when I liked her,  seem in fact to be BPD traits which I see others on this forum commenting on.

Yes children can manipulate but I always got the impression they understood a treat too rather than thinking they were entitled to it. The very act of wheedling or manipulating a treat out of you shows they don't feel entitled, whereas the borderline expects it as a birthright.

I've always associated entitlement with being spoiled. Which seems to me to be at odds with a terrible childhood etc.

 For instance the ex would decide that her birthday would last a month. You can't ask me to do that in my birthday month. I know we can't afford it but it's my birthday month etc. Meanwhile any presents I ever received were almost deliberately crap. Why did she think she was entitled to a month of birthdays? How did she learn that this was acceptable behaviour? Not during her childhood, that's for sure.

Even children though don't display this sort of behaviour unless they are spoilt. Emotional maturity might be a part of it but I think there must be more took it... .

You raise a good point chaffers and this is where BPD becomes confusing. Theres normally more than one thing going on. As well as emotional immaturity you get the feeling of worthlessness so being spoiled makes them feel special. These combinations make it difficult to fathom as if it was only one thing at play then it would be cut and dry. When you have multiple things going on then they switch between them in rapid cycles so your never sure of which one your dealing with.

My BPDx was often entitled - but she could easily flick into feelings of worthlessness. During the idealisation phase, she could flip into a bit of a rage if her expectations weren't met (eg I invited her on a holiday, she expected me to pay "because all her boyfriends paid for" her).

I still pay for her therapy (but phasing out). She expects me to pay - still can't work out why... .just do it because it's the right thing to do and better than he freaking out at work.

My BPDsis said she was through w me bc I was dramatic and abusive. Then she went on to insist my husband and kids were HER family and she should be allowed to connect w them. And my parents backed her up. "Why are you taking her family away from her?"  Now that is entitlement.