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Title: Sailing through rough waters Post by: Captain Jay on April 16, 2017, 08:13:30 PM Hello all. I have been married to my wife for6years now. 4years ago she was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. Since then she had been hospitalized 3 more times. Mostly because her doctor kept changing her medication.
Title: Re: Sailing through rough waters Post by: Mutt on April 16, 2017, 08:33:45 PM Hi Captain Jay,
*welcome* I'd like to welcome you to the group, I can see how distressing that would be if your wife is hospitalized. How are you making out? Are you seein a T ( therapist ) it helps to talk to a T concurrently with a support, people that can relate with you. Can you tell us what's going on that's a rough patch in your marriage? Title: Re: Sailing through rough waters Post by: Captain Jay on April 16, 2017, 09:40:25 PM She is currently hospitalized due to be released tomorrow. I have not seen a therapist. She was seeing a therapist previously. Her visits went well and she seemed to trust him until the last two visits she went by herself. They were discussing our relationship and he apparently was on my side on whatever it was and that was the end of that. She decided she didn't want to go any more. She has been getting mad at me because "I don't know how to deal with her BPD." Well, no, I don't... .I have been trying for 4 years to deal with it. Figure out how to help her muddle through it. I haven't quite found the manual on it yet. She is an awesome, smart, loving woman... .most of the time. She just graduated college with honors. Got a job that she loved. Then something happened and she hates it and wants to quit. I keep pushing her to wait it out because normally after a while she flips back.
I said we have been married for 6 years but we have been in a relationship of one form or another for the last 17. She has always viewed me as her "Protector." Sometimes I feel that she does not love or respect me but stays with me because she knows that I will protect her and support her no matter what. I am the only one she has had in her life that will. Thats not to say that I am perfect... When she was hospitalized the first time, afterwards she pushed me to the side in a manner of speaking. None of my feelings or needs mattered and if I tried to discuss that with her we would get in huge fights. I ended up having an affair with a coworker... It wasn't intentional. I needed to lean on and she was there and it ended up getting way out of hand. Now of course my wife does not trust me. And I think dealing with BPD, it makes it very hard to earn that trust back Title: Re: Sailing through rough waters Post by: Mutt on April 16, 2017, 09:56:57 PM Hi Captain Jay,
I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder and understand that she has limitations, she can't meet you halfway in the r/s, you haved to meet her at her level. Learn to become indifferent to her behaviors, depersonalize them, what she's going through is not personal to you, that is why reading about why she acts the way that she does is so important. That being said. I can understand wanting to validate your feelings, she might be able to do that slightly from time to time, it's probably rare, i'd suggest to share that people that can relate that, namely us, it helps to validate your feelings. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, invalidation is very painful to someone that is highly sensitive, she feels low self worth, self esteem, self loaths and self hates. I'm not saying to validate the invalidate but find what is valid, everyone wants to be heard, feelings equals facts o a pwBPD, it's really important to validate first and just communicate differently, and package your truth at the end. Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0) |