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I'm desperately trying to listen and be validating, but I'm not sure how to do that when my husband has such a defeatist attitude about certain things. How do you validate phrases like:

"I'm not as ripped as that guy, therefore I'm not a man."

"I'm losing my hair, I'm ugly."

"I will never be man enough for you, you deserve someone better."

"I don't believe you, you're just saying that for my benefit."

The most I can usually muster is "I'm sorry you feel that way" because I don't even know how to approach things that are just not true! My husband is handsome, he's a man in my eyes, he's not ugly. I just feel so frustrated sometimes that he doesn't believe me.

I always try to look at the feeling behind the statement. What is he really saying? To me, it sounds like he feels physically unattractive or he feels emasculated. Maybe you could try addressing that:

"I can see that physical appearance is important to you. I can imagine how it must hurt to feel like others are more attractive."

"There have been times that I don't feel like a good enough woman. I know what you're going through. Feeling unworthy hurts."

"I can see how it's upsetting to not believe what someone is saying to you."

Thank you! Sometimes when I'm reading all these articles, I feel like I don't always get a clear picture of what I'm supposed to say and just hearing your examples (while I'm like "duh" in hindsight) just don't come to me when I'm in it.

I had a dream last night where I was just screaming at my husband, saying all the things I'm not supposed to say like "oh my god, just stop" or "grow up." I feel horrible about it today and I know those things aren't constructive, but you can't control your dreams! I know subconsciously I sometimes feel that way and I guess if anything, learning these skills will make me a better person in the long run, too.

BPD typically comes with low self esteem. you cant validate that away. Tattered Heart's suggestion to get at the feeling behind the statement is a good one. in times like that, its more important to be supportive and not invalidate in the process.

its tricky too, because for many of us it might be instinctive to say something like "i think you look great, i find you very attractive, etc". these things wont ring true for someone with low self esteem, and may come off as invalidating.

and obviously, you dont want to validate the invalid and give the impression you agree with him.

Hardly anyone is satisfied with the way they look. Even models or actors. You can't see it in you, and it's a perfectly understandable feeling. I'm sorry you feel it so strongly. I have my own opinion about you and I like you very much.  I know it's not easy to believe, I also have trouble believing I'm likeable, but I hope one day you'll believe me.

Also, we are sold only one image of beauty, or manhood, but that is not real. It's supposed to make us all feel bad, so we buy stuff, join a gym or whatever, we all fall for it, but we see the people we  love and we don't think they need to change anything.

At the time H makes statements like that, there's not a lot I can do - it feels very frustrating.  I know it may not be the best to say, as it IS invalidating, but I try to tell him, "well, no matter how you've looked all the time I've known you, you've never been happy with it, which tells me it's not how you look that is an issue, but how you have determined you feel about it."  Only in times when I feel this is a "safe" comment, tho. 

I am working on telling him that while I know his emotions make him see things a certain way, they are being influenced by being tired, being sad, being depressed and that a little sleep or getting past a hurdle might improve his outlook. 

Regarding his appearance - I also try to be sure when he's not expecting it to tell him he looks nice, at times he's not lamenting his appearance. 

I'm the same. I'm really good and helping someone else come up with things but when I'm in the thick of it, I can't see it. I also have a hard time getting specific ideas from abstract directions. I need specifics.

... .or midlife crisis... .

Tattered Heart sounds like she is onto something here.

I would not limit my thinking of validation to be direct responses. It's much more than that.

You might want to make more flattering comments to him in general. Mention you friend said he was handsome. Tell him that shirt really looks good. Comment occasionally on men that let themselves go and say your glad he hasn't. Do more "exercisie" type things.

Also think how you might be invalidating.

In my case it was self-doubt about cooking skills. I made it worse by being unintentionally invalidating -  I would taste things, suggest adding spices, etc.


This is an important tell. Its a signal that your validation is coming off as fake.

Shift gears. Be like a comedian who dumps all jokes that don't work and keeps reaching for new material.