Print Page - Intimacy?

Hi Captain Jay and Welcome!

Living without intimacy is a really difficult thing. It's been over a year now since I've had any sexual activity with my uBPDw and I can say that it's one of the hardest aspects of the whole situation.

One thing that has helped me over the years is to try and understand what is underneath the problems with intimacy. I started with my pwBPD and learned as much as I can through loving, supportive conversations. Don't get me wrong - a lot of what happened when I brought things up was focused on blaming me and turning all our problems back around to something I did or didn't do. And that's what made the next part difficult: being honest with myself about MY issues with intimacy.

Sometimes it helps to start with some of the "standard" stuff regarding problems in the bedroom / intimacy problems in a relationship as well. BPD tends to exaggerate problems that are present in many "normal" circumstances.

Does any of that resonate with you?

I went about 6 months without intimacy, then once then 2 or 3 more months with nothing . Now every two weeks sounds great. And that's probably my rate now. And it's a young relationship.

It is hard. I wasn't into cuddling a lot before, but with my GF I couldn't stop touching her, and we were very passionate at the beginning. I still desire her like that. But I never want her to feel bad after, or during. Pondering pros and cons, I rather be cautious than risky.

When things were bad, I looked for some non sexual way to be together in a way that only intimate people would. That made us come closer, made her trust me, and gave me peace as reassurance that I was special to her. I started brushing her long hair. And maybe massage a bit her neck and head. I did that some times without intending for that to lead to anything else. I made a point of asking her in advance and made sure to do it every other day. (can we later watch a movie while I brush your hair?, or, would you tell me later about your day and I brush your hair meanwhile?) Gradually we did more kissing and touching, and eventually, sex was again in the picture.

Two days ago, she had a strong break down after a screaming contest with a kid. She wanted to stab her arm. I stopped her. She told me she wanted to kick and punch someone, to break things... .I told her that if her actions were of rage, the feeling would go up and up, so she should try to do opposite action and lie down and let me massage her. She was cold so I asked her to go under the covers. I half expected a punch in my face. But she agreed. And I massaged her neck and head and face, and she fell asleep in my hands, it was magical. No drugs involved. When she woke up she was confused, and a bit down, but much better and the crisis was over, she hugged me and we kissed for a minute, but she told me she wanted sex so much, but that she knew feeling so confused she would probably regret it after, so I kissed her good night.

She had a lot of trouble with human contact before and now. But I bet some other people would answer ever better to massage. It would pay off to learn some "moves".

The key here is to regain trust, and really want that, instead of sex. You want to both to be tuned in the same frequency.

I've heard a couple about doing yoga together and some non sensual contact. But I didn't get an explanation as what it involved.

It should be explored, as pwBPD use physical sensation to focus their attention and gain control over their feelings, through pain... .It would be much better to focus on the body but through a pleasant sensation. As you might have guessed, finding the right moment to suggest opposite action was very tricky.

Let me know if you try this. :)

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Captain Jay on April 19, 2017, 09:15:06 PM