BPDFamily.com

My now ex-girlfriend and I have had a very intense relationship, one that has been roller-coaster like for the past six months. We started dating at the beginning of my sophomore year in college and I am now ending my junior year, while she is graduating very soon. 6 months ago, she cheated on me, and I came to a few conclusions about her. She is very needy, and she has very low self-esteem. She has told me many times that she believes that people only like her when they first meet her, because she can put on a good face, but when they get to know her, they only think she is annoying. She only finds confidence through her ability to gain romantic partners very easily. She has never been truly single since before high school, whereas she was my first relationship. We came to the conclusion that when she is feeling low, she impulsively seeks out more thrilling romantic attention (she had cheated on her boyfriend of 2 years twice). However, she went to therapy and we both spent some time alone, after which i forgave her and gave her another chance. After that, things hit an all time high point with us. We were in a more independent relationship, and she was much more aware of certain issues that she has. But about 6 weeks ago, she started getting depressed. At first, I was not worried. I figured it was because graduation was coming up and college can be a very stressful time. But three weeks ago, she started drinking a lot more, she got a tattoo that she had never explicitly stated that she wanted, and she texted the girl that she cheated on me with in the fall, to "apologize". I saw the messages, and they weren't flirtatious, but I am convinced that she interacted with this girl again because she incites a thrill in my girlfriend, and it is currently the only emotion powerful enough to combat the sadness. Then two days ago, she went to the bars with her friends, and afterwards, she walked around all night before going to that girl's dorm to talk to her and ask her why she was so unable to let that whole situation go. She did not cheat on me, but she broke up with me yesterday morning. At first, she said she fell out of love with me, which made me feel like I was dying because I have gone above and beyond to make her happy. We talked about it, and she stuck to her reasoning, even though I did not believe her. Later in the day, she called me and said that she did not fall out of love with me, and she only said it because she knew I wouldn't leave if she told me that she needed time alone to fix herself because she couldn't stop hurting me. This is true in part. I don't think I ever would have been able to leave unless she had cheated on me again or unless she dumped me, and I suppose I prefer the latter. As the day went on, she started saying that she was going to fight for me until she died. Very romantic stuff that I undoubtedly was latching on to, because we just broke up and I love her and miss her terribly. She keeps saying she is going to take a year and then come back. I told her I think she has BPD and she said that a teacher once accused her of having it as a child, but nothing came of it and she doesn't think she has it. But she did say that she was going to go back to therapy and that she would ask her therapist if it was a possibility. I am just so torn. She has broken me so many times but the emotions I have are so intense and I feel as if I cannot possibly just cut her off completely even though I know it is what I need. I know I should never be with her again but I cannot help but latch onto the hope that she will somehow find a way to fix herself, and maybe I will be able to have her. I love her so much.

My ex said the same thing. I guess time will tell whether she can weather the emotional loneliness. She did the first time. But I was in contact nonstop for those 2 months. So I was still feeding her ego of needing to be wanted. When I went NC for 4 day she asked to try again. Discarded in a month. Now I haven't spoken to her in 9 days. Part of me hope's that she gets better, and can be happy with herself.

I too had that hope that after she worked on herself maybe she would want to try again. But the therapist she sees enables her victim behavior. So outside of seeing someone else who will hold her accountable and challenge her with years of real work I don't see her getting better. But I had to accept that it will never be with  me. I said too many mean things in my anger. But a part of me did that to keep her away for good.

Hang in there. Keep posting. I relate to this all too well.