BPDFamily.com

My dBPD wife has a bad habit of getting wrapped up in other people's problems. Examples:

A girl she went to HS with 30 years ago got arrested. Wife ran off to go visit her in jail. She got so wrapped up in it that she completely forgot my birthday that day.

A coworker got in an argument with her boyfriend. Wife brought her and her late teen kids to our house to "take care of them". They really did not need taken care of.

Her HS needed someone to judge a car show at a fundraiser. Though she knows nothing about cars, she volunteered and took off to go do it. She knowingly missed an important event that our daughter had been looking forward to for months because "they needed her". Our daughter needed her more.    

A guy she worked with 25 years ago died. She got all wrapped up in it and is out of town for three days at the funeral because she feels his widow and family need her there to take care of things. We need her here at home taking care of her responsibilities to her family. She will miss an awards banquet for our daughter and an important meeting at the school about our autistic son's current educational program today.       

She thinks she is giving and caring. I think she is selfish in that she drops her responsibilities to her family so as to go play superhero to people from her past or whom she barely knows.

She thinks she is doing it to be nice. I think she is doing it because she has no sense of self worth and uses this as a way to boost it.

Am I off? Does anyone else have an SO who does this?            

My uBPD husband does this all the time. His friends are his first priority. Runs as soon as anyone calls for help or just to hang out.  Once I and my H were watching a movie together at home. We were just about to start the movie when his friend called him. nothing urgent ... .but he just left me and went out with his friend.

Once my husband travelled from one country to another to help his friend... .His friend was in a hotel for some office work. He was chatting on yahoo with her and she mentioned to him that she forgot her mobile so is not able to call home. My husband bought a mobile with a SIM card, booked a flight , went to the other country ... .went to her hotel ... gave her  the mobile and then came back.  This took almost 5 days. Could not attend his office for 5 days. He just sent a mail to his manager saying he will be back in a few days.  Apart from the loss workwise, everyone in his office were worried as to what happened to him. Everyone thought there was some accident or personal tragedy.

This was before my marriage. When I asked " she was in a hotel, if she wanted to, she could have called from the hotel phone. She was in her own country and she did have a huge family to help. She could have managed easily, then why you took it on you ? No logical answer just "She told me a problem and I wanted to help and I went... ."

I think results from a bunch of different things.  One of which, is that we as those closest to the pwBPD, are seen by them as part of them, a needed part but a sometimes annoying part.  Doing things for us is "expected" and you can't get props for following through for your spouse of children like you can for people outside the home.  We are an appendage.  Our needs should not conflict with theirs.  They shouldn't "have" to work to keep us happy - we should just love them no matter what all the time without questions anyway. Other people are the priority for new emotional supply.   

The need to be seen by those who are NOT appendages (other people outside the home or standard realms of responsibility) as helpful, sacrificing, wonderful, etc. is another factor.  They feel terrible about themselves because they KNOW on some level they let things slide at home.  To combat this, it's easier to travel across the country to help a stranger than to admit they've been lazy or unhelpful at home and change their behavior here.  There is less chance for bad emotions to crop up with strangers than a person they see as part of them. 

It's an excuse to drop things at home.  "But they needed me!  You can't be mad at me for helping someone who needed me.  Our kids should understand this and not be so selfish."  H was unemployed, not in school, and finding time and energy to work or even help around the house was "too hard."  But someone in another town needed help?  He's on his way. 

So it feeds a low-self esteem need without having to actaully address faulires at home. 

Sounds like you both have the same experience I have had. Good to know I am not alone!

"It feeds low self esteem" is a very valid point. I don't think they do it for the feedback from others as much as they do to be able to tell themselves they did something good.   

Bingo! This has been my experience to. Always got time to be seen as
the good guy, and will leave any household DIY job midstream. The house
is full of half finished projects because of it!

Mine drops everything to attend to his brothers needs, but yet our house is falling apart. But if I weren't so selfish, I would do the same/understand.

Grand gesturing rescue traits... .

This is not about the other people, this is about creating an image and impression of worthiness.

She wants to be the great caring person, but doesn't know how as it is not in her core values, so steps up on stage and role plays it for audience acclaim. The other parties being no more than stage props.

My guess is there are very few charitable acts that are done anonymously and unseen.

Having it impinge on your life is also part of the the martyr to the cause image. She hasn't forgotten or overlooked it, it adds value to grand gesture.

Its not so much about being fake, more that she is role playing who she would like to be... .Like an air guitarist, all the moves without the talent to do it for real.

And I think that goes to the root of BPD. The act helps fill a desperate need for acceptance and for others to like them. And that cannot happen if everyone has not heard about it.

On it's face, it is selfish in that it is done for the actor's own good. But with the emotions overruling all other aspects of their life, I don't think they realize it at the time. In my case, W sees that she was selfish in retrospect then feels guilty about it.

Thats the sad aspect, it is just part of the way they tick, its not callous, its almost like a clumsy way of trying to act appropriately as a consequence of not having balanced core values.

Its like all they see is the "money shot" all the background work is invisible hence it isn't there. Similarly if you do something they only see the result and are oblivious to the hard work you put into getting there.