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Title: Boundaries on money Post by: GD39 on April 28, 2017, 01:58:33 PM I joined yesterday, and posted on the "trying to make the relationship work" board, but since, I had a new development.
We have a long distance relationship until next month. She is between jobs, and we discussed on how I was planning on helping her. I am taking care of her bills until I get down there, and will give her 100.00 a week for expenses. Well, now this is a point of argument each week, and honestly, I believe this might be were the whole thing is going to break. Two weeks ago I took the whole family (she has three kids) away on the weekend prior to her daughter's birthday to celebrate. Even though we had agreed that was to take care of it, once the birth date came about that next Thursday she wanted to celebrate again. Here she comes with the sad story about wanting to do it, and not having money. After some thought, since she said it was to get a cake and get the cousins together, I told her I was going to send her 50.00. To being so desperate, all of the sudden there were pictures of the celebration even though she had not picked up the money. When I asked her about it she stated the child's grandfather gave her the money. Well, I canceled what I sent, and yet she went next day to pick it up. Of course a fight on her part ensued. She could not see that I felt fooled into sending money. Well, that aside, now it appears I am dating a prostitute. Every week before I leave she asks me how much money I am going to give her. I told her how I felt about it, and she stated, "that is not the case, I love you." However, it is becoming more difficult by the day to feel comfortable with that. We got off the phone a few minutes ago. A few days ago she said she did not needed my help. Today it was that she was all stressed out because she had the kid's school party and bills due. I let her know that bills were to be covered, not to worry, and that for the kid's party to let me know how much so I could send it right then since it was today. All she kept asking was how much I was going to give her that week. I kept answering, tell me what you need now, and we deal with the rest later since I am at work and can answer that right now. All of the sudden it was, "dont worry, keep working. Ill deal with this myself," and proceeds to say goodbye. I tell her, "here you are discarding me again?" To which she answered, just for today. Dont text me. I will be doing this today. See you tomorrow. The discarding me thing comes about that every week she is breaking off the relationship. I am getting to my wits end. I want to understand if this is the push-pull, or if I am just a freaking ATM. I dont like the feeling of the latter. If I am just a financial resource, I definitely not signing up for this. Oh, the latest thing is, I was unfriended from Facebook. This has been a major issue for me since I dont see how is it that me being the financial support strangers have access, and I dont. Mind you, I am not a social media freak, but I find that very disturbing, and she does not see it. Please insight! Title: Re: Boundaries on money Post by: GD39 on April 30, 2017, 06:07:20 PM Well, you sort of confirmed my thoughts. Thanks for the insight. I told her today that we need to get help. She is all for it, but lets see how long it last. Ill give an update. I already told her how the budget is going to go for the next four weeks until I go to her town. If its not enough, well, then so be it.
Title: Re: Boundaries on money Post by: Tattered Heart on May 01, 2017, 10:36:10 AM Hi GD39,
Welcome to the boards. I"m sorry that you are unsure of where you stand with your pwBPD. It sounds like setting boundaries could help you find the answer you are looking for. Perhaps you could set boundaries on scenarios in which you will get money, such as only giving money for the kids, or groceries, emergencies, etc. This is your money and you are not required or obligated to spend it if you do not want to. I know it's hard when you want to help and you know that your girlfriend is in a difficult situation, but I have found that when people are desperate for money, somehow they manage to get things to work out on their own without the help. It's just easier to go to the easy sources first. One thing I do when I give money is that I will actually purchase the items for the person instead of giving them cash. This way I know that the money is actually being spent appropriately on the things they say they need. Here is a link to one of our articles on determining whether you are supporting your partner or enabling her: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0 |