BPDFamily.com

Hi there,
I've posted on here a year or so ago about abuse I suffered within my relationship. Me and my partner split up 4 months ago.
Within this time I really started to look at myself and improve on my self awareness, I also played the victim and told myself and others he was bad and I was good and that was that. I longed for him everyday and I missed my step son. I found parenting my daughter difficult and would blow up every now and again.
Just over a week ago I found myself looking at one of his accounts that had old photos of us in which we were really happy and it brought back a lot of fond memories. I then proceeded to contact him. We chatted back and forth via text and then decided to meet up I was genuinely over the moon at the thought of seeing him again and when we saw each other for the first time in 3 months (a very long time given we were attached at the hip) we ran at each other and hugged and it just felt so right. We had a wonderful time together and have been genuinely happy in each other company ever since. Our kids have met up again and they have known each other since they were both 1 - they are totally head over heels for one an other, they call each other brother and sister and his son calls me mummy without prompting and my daughter calls him daddy without prompting: They know we are a family and both me and my partner know we are a family.
Now, the issue I have is that since I have seen him again I have realised a lot about myself, how abusive I was in that relationship and how my past (which included rape, school expulsions, promiscuity, heavy drinking and self harm) can't be ignored any more. I have impulsive behaviour and incredibly unstable emotions. I have attachment issues from my narcissistic mother and abandonment issues to boot. I now feel it's the right time for me to start looking at my own mental health and get the help I've needed for so many years. But how the hell do I explain this to my family and friends? All they know is that he was abusive and bad and should be away from me, how do I tell them that it was both of us and that we are both in incredibly good mental places and our self awareness is on point and we are both getting the help we need to save our family?
My head is filled with instrusive thoughts of disappointment and abandonment but on the other hand I feel like y'kbow what? I got this! I'm in control, I'm aware of myself and I can trust my own decisions. But I'm still scared.
I want my family more than anything and I truly believe abuse will not be a factor anymore but I hate the thought of people thinking that I'm weak or just a cliche abused woman going back to an abusive man. It's not true.
We both have mental health issues and we're both trying our hardest (successfully at the moment) to stableise ourselves and I genuinely believe we could work well together. I don't want these thoughts and others opinions to lead me down a path that I don't want to go down as I have been very susceptible to following the advice of others for most of my life instead of trusting myself.
Any advice would be apparexiated.
Thanks.

Welcome back. Congrats for being in a good place right now.

Your concerns are perfectly understandable. Being afraid of what our family might think it's always a pressure in the back of our head.

You can have a plan for abuse, and show it to them, assuring them that safety is your first concern, as it should be. It will be great that you never use it, but it doesn't hurt to have one, and it would give peace to your family.

You both are open to getting help, and that's great. You deserve to be helped in order to have a happier life for you and your loved ones. Often the first step, admitting we need help (we all need it)  makes itself a good difference.

Even those who doubt, with time will see that you were right. Be happy that you have people that are concerned with your safety, it's good that they worry. You can say that you understand they don't trust your man so much, and that you are sorry they worried them so much, you were heart broken and you needed their support. But you had time to regroup, and to restart things in a different way.  You had a lot of time to think, and you are not a fool. You get that they might think this is weakness, but you are the first one who's going to apply zero tolerance for abuse in this new stage of your life.

People that love you want you to be happy, if this is what you want, they'll end up supporting your decision.

Good luck.

Hi Tturnipp,

*welcome*

How do you think they'll receive it? Do you feel like family will be supportive and understanding?

Congratulations! 

I can speak to this, but only from my own experience.  And I don't think there's a right or wrong way to move ahead; you just have to do what feels right to YOU.

Having said that, I personally wish I'd told my loved ones that my partner and I were back together a lot sooner than I did.  I made the choice to keep it a secret for several months- and until then only my therapist knew.  In the meantime, my Father's cancer got a lot worse, and we lost him before I could tell him.  My partner didn't even go to his funeral because she was still a secret.

She doesn't blame me for that choice at all.  I made it with her involvement.  She understood that the damage she'd done in the past had made my loved ones angry at her, and she accepted the consequences. 

You may have contributed to the damage caused in your relationship, but that doesn't mean your partner gets an "out of jail free" card.  Your loved ones still have a right to hold your partner accountable for his or her actions, and they still have a right to whatever emotions they have about it. 

When I finally did tell everyone, I can say it went much better than I was fearing.  Did I lose some friends over it?  You bet I did!  But, in the end, they weren't people I would have wanted as friends anyway.  The few people I did lose didn't even wait to talk to me about it; to "hear me out" in any way... .they just said, "You're an idiot," and POOF they were gone.  Now, I ask you... .who would want those kind of friends anyway?

My Mom and my step-mom have been AWESOME.  They were concerned, but they listened to me and supported me.  And, once they saw how committed my partner was to her treatment, they listened to her and supported her too.  My Step-dad even calls her "my other daughter".

So, in the end, I think you'll be surprised by the people who really love and support you, because they KNOW you better than anyone, and they know they can trust your judgement. 

Good luck!  It will not always be easy, but it WILL be worth it!

This may sound naive but just sit them all down together and tell them exactly what you just typed.  You have a lot of insight and emotion in those words.  Acknowledging that you were part of the problem may be scary for them to hear but they may have seen some of those tendencies and just not said anything.

I have thought about this myself recently regarding what i would do if I ever hear from the uBPDex ever reaches out and we explore a relationship.  I found out after our 2nd split that most of my friends and my ex wife were happy when we split the first time and angry when we got back together.  Apparently they all saw the things that were happening and knew it would end again with my heart getting broken.  Not sure how I will approach these people as they are my support system.  You need to just be honest as those people are your support system.