BPDFamily.com

Hi BPD family,
Not sure where to place this post, since my neighbor friend (not a family member) has BPD (I think) and it's getting very stressful to interact with her. Any advice would be very helpful. 

I guess I should give some more info:

She is undiagnosed and untreated (as far as I know) but has about 90% of the symptoms of BPD, so I'm pretty certain that's what she has.

She texts me around 70-100 texts a day, some of which are very flattering and positive, but most of which are extremely hostile and condemning. (She either loves me or hates me, there is NO in between!) I have repeatedly communicated to her that I am working full-time and cannot be in constant communication with her, but she gets extremely upset and enraged when I don't answer immediately. She says a lot of rude things when she's upset, calling me profane names and guilt-tripping me. I feel like she's constantly trying to manipulate me. (It seems that BP's don't even realize their behavior is coming across this way). Defending myself isn't helpful and just escalates her anger, so I usually stay calm and only answer valid questions, but try not to address her vicious statements. Sometimes, if the whole stream is negative, I won't answer at all. I'm realizing now that this is probably triggering for her fear of abandonment. I've known her for several months but have only recently realized she has BPD. So I'll be the first to admit, I may not have dealt with things the best way for her in the past few months. I was dealing with things as if she was a non-BPD.

Anyways, I need to lay down some boundaries and want to do it in a kind, but firm way. In short, I don't want to make things worse. I know I can't change her or her behavior, but I want to communicate what I MYSELF am going to change in my communication with her. So for instance: If she lashes out at me and I am silent, she deserves to know why I'm silent (so she doesn't think I'm just ignoring her). I'm drafting a letter to give to her because I know my words will come out all wrong if I do it in person. A lot of people in my life think I should cut off all communication with her, but I don't think that's the best plan right now... .I am basically her only friend. She's attempted suicide before (like before I met her) and I'm afraid cutting her off will trigger suicidal behavior again. I don't have the time or energy to be her only support network, and I feel so stuck. I am a kind person and don't want to hurt her or cause her pain. Please help!

From a neighbor/friend,  I'd say 20-30 is a  red-flag but up to 100?

What is your typical text response? What about in person?

We have info here on asserting boundaries with a pwBPD which can help,  take a look:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0;all

I particularly like the second workshop. 

How did this relationship as neighbors develop into she reaching out to you such as she has been doing?

Thank you, Turkish. Very helpful!

You asked how did this relationship develop... .it took some time as most of my neighbors are the kind you'd expect - the ones that wave at you when you take the trash out or bring you cookies at Christmas, but don't even know your last name or contact you at any other time.

This neighbor had some needs that I could help with, so that's how I got sucked in to it in the first place... .I work remotely from home so it appears as if I have a bunch of extra time (which I don't) but she sees my car here pretty much all the time... .so she asked for my number because she was really sick and needed to go to the ER. She ended up going in an ambulance and naturally I was worried about her. I ended up picking her up from the ER and that was the first time we met in person. After that I gave her rides occasionally to the doctor since she has a TON of heath concerns and she doesn't have a car. She also has no income, just food stamps. I'm a religious person so I have felt a desire to befriend her and help her in what ways I can, like driving her places, although I can't help with financial needs, etc.

For the first couple months, things went pretty smoothly. The only weird thing was she seemed SO desperate to be my new "best" friend, which is not an option. Best friends don't just happen overnight. And not that there's anything wrong with this, but she's at least 40 years older than me. She insisted on telling me quite a bit of private info about herself and her family and her past even though I was uncomfortable with it. And refused to share private info about myself. So gradually she got more and more upset with me that I wasn't being a good friend. That she was telling me things but I wasn't telling her things. I have a quite a bit of personal experience with depression and anxiety, so at first I just thought she was just depressed, which she is! But as time went by, I realized there's something else going on in her life. I finally talked to a therapist who after moments of listening to my story said "Oh she has BPD. No doubt!" After I looked up the symptoms of BPD, I confirmed this to be the most likely diagnosis. She also has depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia. She doesn't get out of bed most days so texting is her way out. Texting is her livelihood. And she texts me 70-100 times a day. About the weather, about her pets, questions about my personal life, which I don't answer... .she texts me how much she loves me and then a few minutes later she'll be texting me expletives about what a horrible person I am because I'm SO rude. (My "rude" comment is usually a one or two word answer  like "thank you" because I'm working and can't send more than that at that time. But she freaks out that it's rude.) She also projects a lot so if she's having a bad day, she'll assume I am also. Or she'll accuse me of manipulating her, when that's actually what she is currently doing to me. In person, she's more docile and usually doesn't lash out one bit. She is much more comfortable lashing out by text. My response is usually something like "Thanks for your texts." or "Cute story about the dog!" or if she asks if I can drive her to an appointment, "Yes, 10:30 works for me. See you then!"
I don't engage in arguments, defending myself, or any other "rude" thing. I am brief and kind, but distant. I have realized that I have not communicated my boundaries clearly enough to her so have drafted a letter to send. I realize she probably isn't going to take it well and I will expect some backlash. I also expect her to push the boundaries, so I will need to stay firm on my end. I can't change her at all. This letter is simply about how I myself am going to behave in my dealings with her. I don't want to cut her off completely, and I don't want the letter to be either too harsh or too kind. Any thoughts would be welcome!


Letter:

I appreciate your efforts to stay in touch and your care and concern for me. You have mentioned that you would like to have open and honest communication with me - I would like that also! I hope this is helpful to understand my actions better. As your caring neighbor, I'd like to share with you some changes in the way I communicate with you from now on:

- My husband and I are able to help sometimes with driving you to doctor's appointments and prescription/grocery errands. If an appointment conflicts with our schedule, we will let you know. We truly want to be blessing, as we are able!
- I have been receiving a large volume of texts from you daily. They are not always sent at once, but can stack up throughout the day. If I don't check my phone for a while, I often have a very large number of unread messages. Unfortunately with my many pressing responsibilities, I cannot read, process, or respond to a large volume of texts. If I receive a large volume of texts, I very likely will not be able to answer at all.
- I care about you and want to engage in respectful and kind conversation together. Some of your text messages have come across as negative fault-finding towards me. When you reach out in a kind manner, I will respond. Otherwise, I will remain silent. To be clear, I will not be answering negative text messages. I also will not be giving out information or answering questions about my personal life or work.
- I cannot read or answer texts as they arrive to my phone. I will not be able to read or respond to texts until the evening after my work is complete for the day. Since my hours vary a bit, I cannot say when that will be exactly, but I will respond as I am able (as long as the texts are brief and positive, as mentioned above).

Thank you for your understanding. I truly care deeply about you and want the very best for you, __________!
You are in my daily thoughts and prayers,
____________

It sounds like you are versed in boundaries,  and being firm and short is better than nebulous and long-winded. We have communication tools in Lesson 3 to the right of this board which might further help.  Take a look and let us know what you think. 

I like your letter,  but paragraph 3 sounds like it might be triggering. 

I feel that you don't want to cut off contact completely,  yes?

Thanks, Turkish! Your words are helpful.  :)

Let us know how it goes.  Sometimes being brief gives a smaller target,  so to speak. I've found the following communication style works verbally as well, in combination with SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

(Ignore the subject line,  it's the BIFF tool that is helpful)