BPDFamily.com

For some time now, years in fact, I have noticed my S12 become increasingly disrespectful toward me.  In particular when he is with his mother and mother’s boyfriend attending one of S9’s activities.

On many occasions I have disciplined him at these activities (mother and bf don’t watch him very closely) for doing things he shouldn’t be doing, riding a bike without his helmet, climbing on things, etc.  Some of his responses, “I don’t have to listen to you…….I don’t have to say hello to you…….,” not making eye contact, etc.  He’ll always sit or stand next to the boyfriend at these activities.  Basically he acts as if I’m not there.   

He really acts as if empowered to treat me as insignificant.  This really started happening when mother and I were sentenced to a second round of coparent counseling.  During these session the counselor had explained that I, father, was to not be viewed as “peripheral” in the childrens’ lives.  Looking back I don’t think it is a coincidence that this behavior increased at the same time the counselor was telling both of us that this should not happen.  He gave mother the idea.

Other things going on, in many cases turns up his nose to my cooking, doesn’t wear the clothes I buy him, doesn’t use the gifts I get for him, won’t ride the bike I have for him, etc.  I know some of this is fueled by mother too, but these are the things that are happening.  He really behaves as if he wants me to see him not enjoying himself while with me.

I really don’t know what to do or what to do at this point.  I feel as if this is making me feel more crappy than I know and affecting my confidence.

Scraps,

I found this enlightening - Childress' description of Pathogenic Parenting.  In particular, the checklist of observed behaviors.  https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/09/11/diagnostic-checklist-for-pathogenic-parenting/

You made one mention that struck me dead center: " in many cases turns up his nose to my cooking".  My daughters always enjoyed (loved?) my cooking. As they were pulled further and further down their mother's rabbit hole, they started ignoring/avoiding anything I did that they might enjoy.  When my youngest turned her nose up to my roast chicken (I know I make an excellent roast chicken - and they had enjoyed it for years), and dismissed it as "slimy", I knew things were bad.  Of course, mom of the year took her order and sped out to acquire another bag of take out crap.

And when you transition from ":)ad" to "Him", you will know you have arrived in Hell.

Oof, your description of S12's rejection is painful to read.

I don't have much advice except to say that SO's S17 is like this toward his dad, too. S17 is on the autism spectrum.

SO now has a very dutiful, obligatory type relationship with S17. He drives to see him once every six weeks (in another state) and they do something together for an hour or two. SO calls and texts regularly. The calls are always brief.

S17 used to be much meaner toward his dad and would even throw tantrums (over things like being asked to turn music down at 2am on a school night).

SO started to say things like, "I feel like I'm losing you, S17." Or, "I feel sad, it feels like you don't seem to want me in your life." SO kind of surrendered and realized that his regular parenting of S17 was not having an effect, either because everything was undone by uBPDx or at the least not upheld by her. There is also an affair partner in the picture and it's unknown how he is affecting anything.

It's pretty messed up  

I can almost see that day coming LnL, the day I give up because it affects my own life too much as a distraction.  On the other hand, S12 is not doing well, he still behaves in ways that embarrass himself in school and alienates himself from his classmates. 

I should be more clear  :), SO is not giving up or walking away. He is expressing how he feels instead of what he used to do, which was to give direction or lecture (understandably), neither of which had any effect and seemed to play into the narrative his uBPDx spun that SO was controlling and mean and invalidating, etc.

S17 also embarrasses himself in school and alienates classmates. He is a champion liar and lives in a fantasy land that make it impossible for kids (and adults) to take him seriously.

I will say that in the past year or so, S17 has become noticeably kinder, altho I can't see him ever having the kind of relationship SO dreamed of when his son was born. Some of that is probably autism, though autism + BPD parenting is something else altogether.

Not to mention that middle school can be a diabolical experience even for alpha kids with superior social skills