BPDFamily.com

It's been a  few months since I visited BPD family. A quick recap - 2 sons 29 and 21 both BPD both with serious addiction problems, older one attempted suicide in 2014 whilst out of his head on something and spent nearly 2 years in hospital recovering, younger one deeply traumatized by his brothers actions turned to drugs. So I now have to BPD substance addicted crack cocaine addicts that have bled me dry finacially and emotionally. I have lost my job and we are now forcing them to be independent and face life on their own or accept rehabilitation, we have benefitted from help from the national health service and famanon. Its been a nightmare and remains so, dealing with BPD mental illness physical problems from my older sons suicide attempt and crack cocaine has left me and my wife in pieces. Of course we love them but we are having to take the tough road to try and get our own lives back.

Hi calmwaters

My heart goes out to you.  I'm also very sorry to hear that you've lost your job, this must be a big blow on top of everything else.  It is very hard to deal with the fear of crisis, but you know, with crisis there is change.  Your own financial situation is forcing your sons to be independent.  I'm really glad to know that you've got help from your NHS and famanon and hope it continues so you get the support you need. It is a tough road.

You're so right, you do need to get your own lives back. Your lives matter and everybody deserves happiness.

Gently forwards my friend.

LP

Hi Calm Waters,

I have often thought about how you were doing. Thanks for the update. I am sorry to hear the situation with your sons is still so difficult, yet knowing your previous posts it was clear they were dealing with some serious issues for quite some time.

Do you at least feel like your sons have ever shown any true insights into their own behavior? Do you feel like they have ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with the way they behave and how it negatively affects the people close to them?

I am also very sorry to hear you lost your job. That's tough, especially considering all that is going on with your sons. I too am glad that you have had some help from the NHS and Famanon though.


I definitely understand and it is important that you and your wife are also very mindful of your own well-being and not just focus on taking care of your sons. Though we mostly present and discuss all the tools separately on this site, love, validation, boundaries and setting limits actually go hand in hand. Love without boundaries isn't really love at all and can easily turn into total self-sacrifice.

Take care

Hi Calm Waters,

I'm glad you came back to let us know how you're doing, and so sad to hear about your job and the ongoing struggles your two sons have with addiction and mental illness. Somehow you and your wife have managed to stay together and soldier through what by any measure are traumatizing and heart breaking experiences

If I remember correctly, your son broke up with his GF when he was in the hospital? Is she completely out of the picture? It can be hard to love and care for someone who is hell bent on sending you away

The tough road, yes. It is so hard to let go and live our kids stand on their own when we know they are nowhere near ready.

What is next for you as you take stock of things and start to rebuild?

LnL

Thanks all, I can report that tentatively there seems to be some improvements. Laying down clearer boundaries and  ' letting go with love' is proving to be helpful to all of us. However my wife still finds it hard not to 'rescue' whenever the opportunity arises. Also the fact that the younger one is now on probation for breaking in to a shop back at Xmas and the threat of us kicking him out if his behaviour doesn't improve both of these mean we have some serious sanctions if we need them. Yes all girlfriends have run off scared! - hoping the summer will be ring further improvements - Best regards - Calm

Hi Calm Waters

Well I am glad there have at least been some improvements. I hope the situation with both your sons will continue to get better, also so you and your wife will hopefully experience a bit less stress and can experience some calm(er) waters :)

Take care

The Board Parrot