BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

After some advice... my other half and father of my youngest child (10months) has BPD. He just started his first group DBT yesterday. It's a 12 week course. He quit his job and currently isn't working.

He just told me that he wants to go on holiday (by himself)  overseas to visit some relatives. He says it will help him get better.

I personally think he'd be better off focusing  on his therapy and finding work to support his children. I don't see what 5 days away is really going to achieve and I think the money could  be better spent.

HOWEVER! I cannot vocalise how I feel. If I do, he will flip out and get nasty. I'll be accused of not supporting him, of bullying him, he'll say that he has no say over his own life blah, blah, We've been here many times... .

My question is, how do you disagree with a BPD partner without them flipping out?  If I have a different opinion to him, he calls me opinionated. If I challenge him, for example, deciding to go out late at night to smoke joints with his brother with no notice, just a 'I might be back late or maybe in the morning', he twists it round telling me I'm not 'allowing' him to see his own brother.

The consequence of this is of course that I don't challenge him anymore as it always escalates into him hitting himself in the face or threatening to kill himself. Hence he gets to do whatever he likes, whenever he wants. Which makes me angry and resentful as I am left looking after OUR baby. 

I've thought about retaliating and going out myself so at least things feel more balanced but I'm not sure I completely trust him to look after our little one and my other children properly. I can see him getting stoned (which I HATE him doing and something we argue over) and falling asleep on the sofa with the baby.

He is 43 by the way and has only recently been diagnosed. Any and all advice welcome. My friends are telling me he is being manipulative and controlling. I can see this but how do you know what is BPD and what is him being utterly selfish and self centred?

Thanks in advance! X

Hi Scarletstar ,

I always get nervous when I need to have a hard conversation with my uBPDh. For a long time I stopped disagreeing with him altogether because I didn't want to deal with the blow up. I get it! But then I became so depressed because I stopped having a voice for myself.

One thing I'm learning is that the best way to disagree with a pwBPD is to first validate what they are feeling. He may be feeling overwhelmed by a new diagnosis or just the change of going to therapy. He may want to escape. He may be feeling shame for having a mental illness or needing counseling. Whatever the emotion behind the behavior is should be addressed first.

Perhaps you could start the conversation something like, "I know (or I can see) that you are feeling really overwhelmed with your new diagnosis. A vacation sounds like a great idea, but I am concerned that now may not be the best time. Could you finish your DBT course first and then go to visit family?"

This addressed his feelings but also gently shares your thoughts too. If you approach from an attitude of not tryign to prevent him from getting upset, but instead from genuine concern for him,  I've found that being authentic to myself, validating his feelings first, then being direct with him, and sharing what I need to say works very well.

As for friends, it can be hard to hear what they have to say. Most people do not understand BPD at all. They just see someone being mean to their friend and want them to get out of that situation. It's much more complex than that. As a partner to someone with BPD friends don't see how great things can be when they are good. They hear about our fights and problems and that is what they focus on.

Your friends may be right that he is being manipulative and controlling, but that is often one of the side effects of BPD. The manipulation and control usually comes from a place of feeling unworthy and rejected, not necessarily from wanting to hurt you or control you. They get desperate when they feel rejected so they use inappropriate behavior to get their way. After all, it's worked for them in the past and may still be working.

Thanks for replying! I had thought I might tackle it that way... suggest he goes at a later date but I KNOW what will happen. There'll be all the reasons under the sun as to why he HAS  to go when HE wants to, including some lies Id bet like ''this is the only time it's convenient for them, I can't tell them when I'm coming to stay!' With a roll of the eyes... If I ever challenge him on his lies, by the way, he denies ever saying these things. He's already told me that his relatives were going to pay for his flight and has since backtracked when I asked him why he was costing flights. He said they MIGHT, according to him. That's just rubbish.

It's so exhausting. It happens all the time. I just constantly feel like I'm being played or am about to have a fight. He will happily argue with me in front of the kids too which I hate so I end up not ever saying how I feel - unless of course I agree with him on it. Feel very manipulated

Friends see a symptom but can't understand the situation is far more complex.  I kinda ignore baseline advice like, "he's just being controlling."  It doesn't help or offer solutions, and duh, I know he's trying to make me agree.  So let's move on to something constructive instead of comments like, "water is wet."

Look into SET - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

This "might" help.  I know when I have something I need to talk to H about, I get nervous, and I tend to wait for a time when he seems less emotional, and I try to mention things in an off-hand "by the way, we need to ... ." way.

It's never easy, and you can't always avoid the blow up that may come from stating something your SO does not want to hear.  But also, a pwBPD often needs to hear something more than once to let it sink in. 

Best advice I've read from this forum!

And recognise that after all this, you cannot control someone else. Even if they are your partner, they are free to choose whatever path they want. You can tell him how you feel about his choices, and the impact those choices will have on your and your child, but they are HIS choices. So DON'T "retaliate" by going out - that is trying to punish him. No! You can PROTECT yourself from his choices, but that is about taking care of yourself. (This is like boudnary setting). If you decide that him smoking pot is unacceptable to you, then tell him what YOU will do to protect YOU ("If you choose to smoke pot, I will protect myself and my family by not being around you for 12 hrs. This is not a punishment, this is to protect me".